All gung-ho to start, but not sure what to start with. I know I have cleaning to do, and playlists to make and papers to sort through. But I don't want to do any of those. Who knew Pinterest & Tumblr could be so useful for idea sprouting and for designing characters? Sometimes I think about how each character I make is a little part of me. And after each story is written, each plot arc is fulfilled I wonder which parts of me have made it to the page. Are these things I want to happen? Things I'm afraid of? Do I openly subject others around me to the same violent emotions that I write on the page? If I write only the morbid, dark, and grim, am I destined for misery? Am I unable to be happy? I don't think that these sorts of examinations of writing are ones that should be taken on alone, not to mention late at night and right before bed. These considerations lead to bad dreams and worse waking.
I am not imprisoned here, by my words. At least, I don't think I am. I could be subject to the Stockholm Syndrome, but I'm not sure that these bits of sound, these utterances, these twisting phrases and these spilled bowls of alphabet soup--that they are indeed restricting. Certainly there is more that I want to say that I struggle to find words for, and thus I am in a sense imprisoned. As long as I continue, the words will finally come, and even if they are not 100% what I want, they are always adequate at least, for their understanding by others. And I don't care if the grammar falls apart, that overlying structure that is supposed to be a rule system but that is more like guidelines for sounding credible and like you have half a brain...
But here I am rambling. I'm avoiding the issue. An issue that is impossible to grasp--so slippery that I cannot even in full confidence guarantee that it is an issue at all. Am I silly? Am I paranoid? Over analyzing? No matter. I've been here before. Well, it isn't quite the same spot exactly, but the foliage is familiar. I can see old trees I've passed by before, not too far from where I am now. Do I regret having come around this way again? Probably not. After all, there must be something to be gained from this area if the resources are plentiful enough that I should return, consciously or not.
I find these images on Pinterest & Tumblr and I think that maybe I'm not projecting my true self via a physical outlet. And sure my physical and mental states don't have to be identical, but is it obvious to others? Does it need to be? Again I'm stuck figuring myself out, or trying to. But none of that is important. I already know that my whole life will consist of me trying to figure myself out. Which is, what it's all about basically.
Except not today. Today I don't know what it's about. Have I changed again? Perhaps that is what it is--an internal shift that I have yet to fully recognize and acknowledge. Here I am again, analyzing myself. Perhaps it isn't the change itself that is significant but the source of the change, or the parts that are different from what they were. Perhaps also it does not have to do with a change of existing parts, but an addition or subtraction of parts. Of course, this only makes it more confusing for me.
In the end...well, I cannot come to a conclusion yet. Maybe it is not an overnight change but something that will take a bit. Which is okay. I'm not going to rush it and come out with a half-finished product. I must be thorough. It is interesting though, that I should be conscious of a change now when previous changes I've gone through have been much less obvious to me until after the fact, and even then they usually have to be pointed out by others. But maybe this is part of the change itself. Becoming aware.
Does this even make sense anymore? Is this a clear thought progression? Maybe not. Regardless, I feel better for having written it out. Until more is discovered--
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
#64--What now?
Reading, writing, Netflix watching;
Washing, sorting, drying, folding;
Napping, dozing, waking, sleeping;
Eating, snacking, lethargic laying;
Walking, bouncing, going crazy;
Gaming, skulking, eyelid gazing;
Posting, sharing, facebook liking;
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Throwing; chasing, puppy playing;
Stewing, brewing, but not cooking;
Washing, cleaning; am I breathing?
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Two more months of this, by the way. Months more of not going, not doing, not paying, not playing, not saving, not progressing. Only fermenting and rotting away in a shell of a place that I long to be free of...Yet others stay and are satisfied and here I am caught between a rock and a stone and a ledge and a hard place, and I must be upside down, inside out, backwards--I don't know which way to move. I cannot move, it seems, at all. Nothing new, nothing old, nothing helpful, nothing sold. Desperation is a cancer that wards off all others and keeps the little man down. And here I am, in the midst of summer with no tan, no release, and no escape. What a challenge. What a waste.
Washing, sorting, drying, folding;
Napping, dozing, waking, sleeping;
Eating, snacking, lethargic laying;
Walking, bouncing, going crazy;
Gaming, skulking, eyelid gazing;
Posting, sharing, facebook liking;
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Throwing; chasing, puppy playing;
Stewing, brewing, but not cooking;
Washing, cleaning; am I breathing?
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Two more months of this, by the way. Months more of not going, not doing, not paying, not playing, not saving, not progressing. Only fermenting and rotting away in a shell of a place that I long to be free of...Yet others stay and are satisfied and here I am caught between a rock and a stone and a ledge and a hard place, and I must be upside down, inside out, backwards--I don't know which way to move. I cannot move, it seems, at all. Nothing new, nothing old, nothing helpful, nothing sold. Desperation is a cancer that wards off all others and keeps the little man down. And here I am, in the midst of summer with no tan, no release, and no escape. What a challenge. What a waste.
Friday, June 8, 2012
#63--Payback
You know what? Here's my American Dream. I put it on this platter for all to see and criticize. And I take that criticism and I apply it when necessary. But I am tired of you shitting on my dream. If this is how you see me and my efforts then screw you. You want to push your citizens to do well and to have an education and this and that and here you prevent them from accomplishing that goal. You're just a hypocritical bastard, giving a command which we bust our ass to complete, and then you just shrug when we need assistance from you. Screw you. You can have my American Dream. I don't need it anymore.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
#62--Influences
Before I jump in, just let me point out that the title of this post is pretty random, as I'll be discussing multiple things.
First, I'd like to say that I've recently been accepted to a journal for publication! Woo! My poem "Blueberry Muffins" will be in the Fall edition of Quivira this year. SO excited.
Otherwise, I've been doing a lot more reading, though it still isn't as much as I'd like it to be. I suppose I should allot days for reading and others for writing. Maybe I could also effectively find a way to split the days between reading, writing, and organizing the house. We'll see.
Recently I finished Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, which will require re-reads since it is a text I'm studying for my thesis. I am currently reading Dr. Moledinky's Castle (a young adult novel), Swim, and I have yet to begin on The Island of Dr. Moreau (which will likely also be for my thesis).
Yesterday I wrote about Ray Bradbury's death and I may or may not have mentioned how I was looking for a copy of The Illustrated Man. However, I totally have a copy in a three-work anthology of Bradbury's, which we recently purchased at Barnes & Noble. Also included are The Martian Chronicles and The Golden Apples of the Sun. You can't know how excited I am that I have a copy of TIM, since it seems like it would be extremely helpful for my thesis.
And since I'm writing a creative thesis, I'll have to have short stories to go along with the research I do. It looks like I've got some good amounts of reading ahead of me, so I shall make the rest of this brief.
I am also currently reading Jenny Lawson's Let's Pretend This Never Happened. If you haven't heard of it or read it yet, you need to. It is funny and serious and astounding and entirely relate-able. It is definitely a book that opens your eyes to a different kind of world. Now that I mention this book, I should probably find it and finish the darn thing. If I remember correctly, I am pretty near the end.
In any case, I'm off to indulge in thesis readings! Ciao!
First, I'd like to say that I've recently been accepted to a journal for publication! Woo! My poem "Blueberry Muffins" will be in the Fall edition of Quivira this year. SO excited.
Otherwise, I've been doing a lot more reading, though it still isn't as much as I'd like it to be. I suppose I should allot days for reading and others for writing. Maybe I could also effectively find a way to split the days between reading, writing, and organizing the house. We'll see.
Recently I finished Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, which will require re-reads since it is a text I'm studying for my thesis. I am currently reading Dr. Moledinky's Castle (a young adult novel), Swim, and I have yet to begin on The Island of Dr. Moreau (which will likely also be for my thesis).
Yesterday I wrote about Ray Bradbury's death and I may or may not have mentioned how I was looking for a copy of The Illustrated Man. However, I totally have a copy in a three-work anthology of Bradbury's, which we recently purchased at Barnes & Noble. Also included are The Martian Chronicles and The Golden Apples of the Sun. You can't know how excited I am that I have a copy of TIM, since it seems like it would be extremely helpful for my thesis.
And since I'm writing a creative thesis, I'll have to have short stories to go along with the research I do. It looks like I've got some good amounts of reading ahead of me, so I shall make the rest of this brief.
I am also currently reading Jenny Lawson's Let's Pretend This Never Happened. If you haven't heard of it or read it yet, you need to. It is funny and serious and astounding and entirely relate-able. It is definitely a book that opens your eyes to a different kind of world. Now that I mention this book, I should probably find it and finish the darn thing. If I remember correctly, I am pretty near the end.
In any case, I'm off to indulge in thesis readings! Ciao!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
#61--Ray Bradbury, Icon
Today it was all over the news that Mr. Ray Bradbury had died. I am quite sad that he has passed, and he will be missed. Yet he will live on and continue to inspire and influence others through his writings, as well as his work on tv shows, tv films & more.
I am sad that I did not get to meet him before his passing. Of course, everyone wants to get to meet a celebrity, usually just to hold it over the heads of everyone else that didn't get to. However, all I would want to do is talk about stories and projects and character design.
I think a lot of celebrities assume that all we want is a shot at money and fame when we oogle them, but really all I'm after is intelligent and enthusiastic conversation. We could talk about bumblebees for all I care, as long as I get the chance to talk to those people that inspire me to do good work--the work I want to do with my life. Because really truly, there is no point in doing anything that you dislike.
The beginning of my list of people I-would-like-to-meet-maybe-for-lunch-or-something:
Betty White
Tim Burton
Johnny Depp
Emma Thompson
Will Ferrell
Jim Dale
Tanith Lee
Chelsea Quinn Yarbro
Jenny Lawson
Elizabeth Kostova
Gregory Maguire
Kenneth Branagh
Dame Maggie Smith
Unfortunately, the majority of my favorite authors are already dead, having been deceased long before my grandparents were even twinkles in their parents' eyes. This list may also be revised later, when I remember someone that I cannot now think to add. Either way, it would be lovely to meet with these folks at some point, before the cruel grip of death takes us all away.
I am sad that I did not get to meet him before his passing. Of course, everyone wants to get to meet a celebrity, usually just to hold it over the heads of everyone else that didn't get to. However, all I would want to do is talk about stories and projects and character design.
I think a lot of celebrities assume that all we want is a shot at money and fame when we oogle them, but really all I'm after is intelligent and enthusiastic conversation. We could talk about bumblebees for all I care, as long as I get the chance to talk to those people that inspire me to do good work--the work I want to do with my life. Because really truly, there is no point in doing anything that you dislike.
The beginning of my list of people I-would-like-to-meet-maybe-for-lunch-or-something:
Betty White
Tim Burton
Johnny Depp
Emma Thompson
Will Ferrell
Jim Dale
Tanith Lee
Chelsea Quinn Yarbro
Jenny Lawson
Elizabeth Kostova
Gregory Maguire
Kenneth Branagh
Dame Maggie Smith
Unfortunately, the majority of my favorite authors are already dead, having been deceased long before my grandparents were even twinkles in their parents' eyes. This list may also be revised later, when I remember someone that I cannot now think to add. Either way, it would be lovely to meet with these folks at some point, before the cruel grip of death takes us all away.
#60--Audience
Does anyone read this blog?
Who cares, right? There are too many people in the world for only one person to make a difference. Right?
Don't take this the wrong way--it is only an observation. I'm not going to off myself or anything. I'm too chicken for that.
But really, it doesn't matter what I say here because I think only one or two people read this on a regular basis. I could say something crazy like "I got a tattoo on my left butt cheek of Obama's face," and I bet no one I know would say anything to me about it. Now the question is, did I really do that?
There are a lot of things you can do if you think no one is watching. It goes back to that question: If a tree falls in a forest, does it still make a sound? I probably got that wrong. I feel like I left out a crucial detail. It's like crying in the rain--no one can tell if its raindrops or tears on your face and no one asks about your face being all red and poofy because the rain makes for dim lighting, and even if you were asked about your face you could always blame it on allergies or pink eye. And then no one asks you any more questions and you are free to continue crying in the rain, probably alone.
Since I have no audience it doesn't matter how I end this post either, so really I could do it like this
Who cares, right? There are too many people in the world for only one person to make a difference. Right?
Don't take this the wrong way--it is only an observation. I'm not going to off myself or anything. I'm too chicken for that.
But really, it doesn't matter what I say here because I think only one or two people read this on a regular basis. I could say something crazy like "I got a tattoo on my left butt cheek of Obama's face," and I bet no one I know would say anything to me about it. Now the question is, did I really do that?
There are a lot of things you can do if you think no one is watching. It goes back to that question: If a tree falls in a forest, does it still make a sound? I probably got that wrong. I feel like I left out a crucial detail. It's like crying in the rain--no one can tell if its raindrops or tears on your face and no one asks about your face being all red and poofy because the rain makes for dim lighting, and even if you were asked about your face you could always blame it on allergies or pink eye. And then no one asks you any more questions and you are free to continue crying in the rain, probably alone.
Since I have no audience it doesn't matter how I end this post either, so really I could do it like this
Monday, June 4, 2012
#59--Stress
Who isn't stressed?
But honestly, stress sucks. And I've had more than enough lately. I was grumpy today for no real reason that I could think of. I was okay with the sprinkly rain and with moving at a more relaxed pace, but I suppose the latter just wasn't in the cards. I'm tired. Tired of so many things and just wanting other issues to be solved. It can all be overcome, it is just a process of getting to that point that is nerve-wracking and stress-inducing and I can't shake the glumness that is put on me as a result. I think today was just destined to be that day.
It didn't help that I relieve stress sometimes via a game on my phone (Jewels, or Bejeweled, or whatever it is called) which was dead practically all weekend. Oh well. Now I've got it charging again and that's all that matters really. I should really find other ways to relieve stress than relying on an electronic game. I should also find a different method for time keeping. Or I suppose I could give that up entirely. Well, maybe not all the way. Maybe I could just care less about what time it is as long as I am moving forward and making progress on my goals that I have. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.
For now, I am too tired to continue to write anything else that is either relevant or coherent so I'm done for now. And no, I won't be reading Frankenstein before bed as I'm too tired and too preoccupied to really focus on the language. I love you Mary Shelley, but dang girl. You gotta let up on your reader sometimes.
Until the next blip--
But honestly, stress sucks. And I've had more than enough lately. I was grumpy today for no real reason that I could think of. I was okay with the sprinkly rain and with moving at a more relaxed pace, but I suppose the latter just wasn't in the cards. I'm tired. Tired of so many things and just wanting other issues to be solved. It can all be overcome, it is just a process of getting to that point that is nerve-wracking and stress-inducing and I can't shake the glumness that is put on me as a result. I think today was just destined to be that day.
It didn't help that I relieve stress sometimes via a game on my phone (Jewels, or Bejeweled, or whatever it is called) which was dead practically all weekend. Oh well. Now I've got it charging again and that's all that matters really. I should really find other ways to relieve stress than relying on an electronic game. I should also find a different method for time keeping. Or I suppose I could give that up entirely. Well, maybe not all the way. Maybe I could just care less about what time it is as long as I am moving forward and making progress on my goals that I have. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.
For now, I am too tired to continue to write anything else that is either relevant or coherent so I'm done for now. And no, I won't be reading Frankenstein before bed as I'm too tired and too preoccupied to really focus on the language. I love you Mary Shelley, but dang girl. You gotta let up on your reader sometimes.
Until the next blip--
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