Thursday, March 17, 2011

#42--St. Patrick's Day

Today and the last couple of days have been beautiful outside and I have been so excited about the lovely weather. I've been able to take the dogs to the park and let them run around for awhile, and we've also been able to go play tennis after the guys get home from work.

A small note here: unemployment sucks.

On to other things: I can't wait for even more warm weather, for the pool to open and for more grilling opportunities. I'm starting to get back into my writing, which I had put aside for a long time as a result of a temporary position as assistant editor and a then continuing job hunt. So as I said, I'm back into my writing, going slowly since I've been away for so long.

There is not much else to report here outside of the meeting I have tomorrow with ESU's career services. Hopefully that will really help me with finding a job or going back to school in the fall. Either way, more news to come.

Monday, March 14, 2011

#41--Pi(e) Day & Rejuvenation

Today Alex and I bought a new washer and dryer, since our dryer basically burned itself out (taking some clothing with it that could not be repaired. :( Bummer. But the new machines will be here tomorrow afternoon, and I am glad for it.

Also today I had an interview that went very well indeed, and so I hope to hear back about that tomorrow or Wednesday. :D That hopefully will be GREAT  hours and decent pay, and of course benefits.

And today is Pi Day (3.14) which we typically celebrate around here by indulging in a meal strictly consisting of various kinds of pie. This year we were not able to have an official Pi(e) Day, so I may surprise peeps this weekend with a slew of pies. Maybe. This mainly depends on what the job situation is by this weekend for me. We shall see. 

**** In Other News ****

So lately I've been thinking. Reassessing my educational choices. What I mean is, I'm thinking about going back to school.

The thing is, I am not entirely sure *what* I want to go back to school for. I am very much interested in the human condition, helping others, psychology, history, sociology, and so forth. At the same time, I still want to be writing novels (and I am still working on my personal writing). Many things will require a master's degree, which is fine, and should only take about two years. The only thing is deciding what I want to do. I suppose this decision is not necessarily a tough one but I want to be extra sure of my goal before I even look at schools to apply to.

I've been able to help people before, and I feel like I have a talent for helping others. With as much as I love children and with so much compassion that I feel I hold for others (yes, sometimes I am quite short with people, but I think everyone is subject to that sometimes) I think that a career in social work would not be out of the question for me.

But is it what I *want* to do? I know that I am the only one that can answer this question. I want to be able to do good things with my life, and I want to be able to look back and say "I helped someone be a better person. I helped to make a difference, providing a positive experience for someone who needed a friend." I want to be able to do that in any way I can. I want to help improve the quality of life for as many people as I can manage to influence. Whether its through writing, counseling, listening, voting, writing to senators and congressmen, etc.

I suppose what I'm feeling here is a bit confused, but I want to turn that confusion into a positive energy force and ride the wave for as long as I can manage. Is that wrong of me? To want to entertain and assist, to help and comfort, to make a difference in my local and national community.

And of course there is some recognition to be had in there somewhere. And who isn't after a little piece of "fame?" But that is not my motivation for getting into this thread of ideas, for wanting to go to school again and become something better than I am now, to widen my possibilities for my future (and the future of others). And my desire to return to school is not solely based in the fact that I'm fresh from my undergraduate career and I'm missing the routine and the atmosphere (it is true, I am, but so what? I have a desire for more *education,* more **knowledge?** Ha).

I remember what my grandfather was like: He would talk to anyone and everyone that he could get to listen to him. Sure he distracted people and made them late for their original plans, or came off as the crazy old man with one eye that wouldn't shut up--but who cares? He made people laugh. He made people blush (especially me). He so enjoyed talking to people at random, people he didn't know and would never see again. For him, it wasn't about making a lifelong friend, or even remembering their name the next day (he did remember most times, but sometimes he'd forget). For Grandpa, it was about sharing an experience. Making a frowny-faced person smile a little at the hotel's continental breakfast. And no one could resist his hefty laugh.

I guess the point I'm driving at is that ultimately, I want to be like him. I want to be as congenial and friendly and open as he was. I want to love people and animals and the world they way that he loved the color of the trees in the fall, how he loved taking me to the lake to feed the geese bits of bread, how he longed for the road trips in summer and fishing just to find the fish that lived in the lake. That is the kind of person I want to be, and I think that a new path is the way to achieve that. Specifically, a path towards helping others, talking to them, and making them laugh. And at the end of the road, as I take my last breath, I want to know that I loved as much as I could. I want to wallow in the feeling that I gave love with every ounce of my being. I want to know that love that I gave will live on in someone else.

So I suppose that over the course of this post, I have determined what I want to do, and now I know where to begin. More thought will be put into this topic, and hopefully I will decide on the specific degree that will best suit what it is that I want to do with my future, to get me on the path to greater love.

Friday, March 4, 2011

#40--Out of "IT"


The most important thing that could possibly exist.

And I've run out.

That's all there is to (it).

Today was an adventurous day. It rained. I did something I've never done before (yes, that's all you get to know). I may or may not do it again in the future. I had a meeting. Went to dinner with my hubby and saw Rango (awesome!) after foods.

Home now, and feeling in a rut. Or a trench. Or maybe I'm just outside of the whole thing. Not necessarily feeling invisible, just awkward. If that makes sense.

I've not had much opportunity lately, for anything. Or at least it feels that way. Maybe I'm just not getting out enough. But that's hard to do when you're trying not to buy a tankful of gas every three days. And at the outrageous price of nearly 3 1/2 per gallon, its not worth (it). IT is much better to stay at home. Where IT is safe, and not awkward.

You probably don't have any idea what I'm talking about, and that's okay; I don't know what I'm talking about either.

So much is different today than from yesterday. IT is crazy to think about. Specific examples, while they could be given, are not necessarily applicable to YOU. I'm sure you can think of your own examples.

I'm feeling a lot of things lately. Frustrated. But who isn't? IT will be spring soon, so people will be hiring. For real jobs. I'm thinking a lot of things lately too. Like something that Alex said: You can't always be waiting on (living for) the next step. You have to live for the present situation. (This is not an exact quote, but a paraphrase, so forgive me if I am incorrect in my phrasing here.) But the whole idea makes sense. There is a significant amount of "dwelling on the past" that one can do before exhausting themselves or becoming totally depressed. But the pendulum swings the other way too, and one can become so obsessed with what might happen or what they want to happen in their future or life that they become sullen, aggravated when they do not achieve the goals they had in mind. IT is different from perseverance and determination, willingness and ability. IT is the mere *thought* that does all the slaying.

Interesting isn't IT?

Knowledge and use of thought are all powerful beings which we take for granted. And I'm sure that some think of them as a curse in a sense, bestowed upon mankind when Eve plucked the apple from the tree. But the self-awareness and thought processes we possess separate us from other beings, and certainly our extended emotional depth is configured in there somewhere as well.

That is an old argument that I do not currently wish to pursue. IT just always comes up.

Finding one's path through life is a daunting challenge, since that every day that one lives is entirely different from the one before. IT can be hard to maintain a stable level of self-respect, self-knowingness from day to day, or year to year. You age and grow, learn, lead, follow, trip, screw up, apologize (or not), and the next day you are different. Changed.

So as the song goes: "the only thing that stays the same is, everything changes, everything cha-ee-anges." (lol).

You can always count on IT.

IT will always be there for you. IT will never abandon you, or judge you or ask you to be different. IT will never throw you a curve ball. IT is always fair. IT is unbiased and spreads unconditional love to all.

If you think you are not affected by IT, think again. IT has you in IT's clutches. You will never escape.

So you might as well make friends with IT now, before you waste your life trying to be the same as you ever were.