#56--Pondering Thesis Ideas

I'm torn. I can't decide if I want to do a Creative Writing thesis or a Non-Creative Thesis.

There are pros and cons to each side. Let's start with the Creative Thesis.

Creative Pros:
I am very creative.
I currently have a ton of ideas to pull from/work with.
I would have a blast writing a creative thesis.
I would easily be able to relate my own work with a field of writing (like magical realism or that "everyday horror").
I would be challenged, but maybe not as much as a non-creative thesis.

Creative Cons:
I would be challenged, but maybe not as much as a non-creative thesis.
It might be too easy.
I may not fully relate it to the area of writing.
A creative thesis may not open many doors for me career (or continued education) -wise.


Non-Creative Pros:
I am very interested in language learning/acquisition as well as linguistics and rhetoric.
With this thesis and background, I could travel more for work.
I may have a bigger job market or greater opportunities (education included).
I would be challenged a lot.
I would learn something.
I would more easily be able to become part of the academia in a particular field.
I could publish my works/findings/research and become more well known/have even more opportunities come my way.
I could eventually (or do this with my thesis) link the impact linguistics/language has on writing whether it is creative or not, and how these ties influence authors/readers/researchers on multiple levels.

Non-Creative Cons:
I would be challenged a LOT.
I might get burned out.
I may not like it as much as I thought.
Dr. Storm would probably be my committee chair for my thesis defense. (EEP!)



What do you think?

#55--End of the Semester Giddyness

First things first--the semester is done! I posted grades today for my students and was able to view my own grades as well.

We moved recently out of a house and a bad situation. We are renting our own place now and are much happier. While the drama is not completely done and packed away, it has reduced to almost nothing. The only thing left for us to do is to clean up our old place, but that will likely be difficult given that our former roommate still lives there. Hopefully we will be able to go over and clean without running into him or even having to speak to him really. BLAH!

I got a puppy for my birthday and his name is Alfonz. We call him Fonz or Fonzie. He is a mini-schnauzer that we got from my mom. He's pretty mellow for the most part, loves to play and loves to cuddle. His favorite things are chewing on rawhides and chasing bugs.

This holiday season has been rough on everyone. We chose to move at a time that was not the best for us financially, but we were able to come out in the green for this month anyway. This will make next month feel pretty awesome, since we won't have to pay extra fees associated with moving.

As break has officially begun, I am quite excited to be able to do a whole lot of nothing for a day or two, then get back into the swing of writing or I might read a book for fun--not for a class. Strange I know.

Today we did some Christmas shopping and I had more fun doing it than I thought/remembered. I am looking forward to Christmas this year, even though money has been tight. Maybe the government will get its stuff sorted out and then the whole nation will be better off. But that may never happen since this nation as a whole is so money-oriented. At the same time, the whole world is tripped out on money, so that complicates things even further.

Ah, oh well. At the moment, these are things I have no way of fixing, and so rather than stress myself out about them, I will set them aside (not ignore them, because that doesn't solve anything) for now and return to them later when some of my brain power has been returned.

In the meantime, I am trying to think of what to do for my thesis. I really have no idea. I wanted originally to do something with the elements of resistance and submission of victims in vampire fiction, but that seems awfully broad and potentially overdone. Then I thought of doing something regarding the use of laughter as a literary tool, specifically maniacal laughter. However, this topic may be too difficult to research. Then I thought of something regarding linguistics or language acquisition. Those are definitely fields that I could easily become a part of, and likely have a career set out before me for the rest of my life. With additional studies I am sure that it would be a fulfilling career too. However, none of this means that I have given up on my dream of writing creative fiction and being a published author. Teaching is also a viable career option, and not out of the question. However, if I do teach, I would like to teach an upper level kind of class in a collegiate or university setting. While community colleges are great, they are not exactly a place I dream of teaching at.

While I feel like I have a lot more to say since the last time I posted, most of it is stuff that has either been resolved or no longer matters that much.

Ciao for now.

#54--A More In-Depth Study of the Fall Semester

When I started school this semester, I was pretty nervous about teaching. I didn't know if I would be any good, or if I would really even like it at all. As it turns out I enjoy teaching quite a lot, and after the mid-term evaluations, I think I'm doing pretty well.

I've met some cool people and been able to become more acquainted with others that I knew before. Kari is a fun character, frequently singing quietly (and quite well!). Kat and Josh are siblings that have entirely too much fun together for siblings, and are quite the tricky duo. Eric I knew from undergrad, and of course Lindsey as well. Overall it is a fun time.

As GTAs, we have a lot of fun. I have learned how to play the cauldron game. I am not much good at the game, however, but it is still great stress relief. We also had our office remodeled lately, and now that the renovations are finished, we are all moved back in. What was just an office for English GTAs is now an office for the English and History GTAs. The room is quite broken up, but seems more or less okay. Since the remodel, the center of the room has a sort of island of five desks and the printer area. As a result, one could run a circle around the island if they wished.

Let me insert a small story here. We moved the mini-fridge and the printer from Roosevelt back to Plumb yesterday, and we used a small rectangular cart (really just a plank of wood with four wheels screwed to it) to move the items over. The fridge was quite a challenge to get to the other building, but I think the printer went easier. The cart was in the new office, waiting to be returned to it's owner. Becca decided to lay on her back on the cart, just to be silly. I saw this as an opportunity for her and I to have a lovely adventure. So she pulled her knees up to her chest and I pushed on the bottom of her sneakers. We made one full tour of the room, and I'm sure we were quite bemusing to one of the history GTAs, Nigel. Becca was laughing so hard that she couldn't breathe very well, so it took her a little while to recover once we had reached back to the finish line. Lindsey thought we were crazy. Which is to be suspected. I'm sure I've been crazy for a long time now.

The actual teaching aspect is an adventure all in itself. On the first day I was quite nervous. I had no idea what my students would look like, even though I knew their names from the list I have on my teacher page. Every now and again I still get nervous about teaching, for no apparent reason. Mostly, it is a fun time, and I enjoy helping them learn how to do new things, or practice what they already know. I didn't think I would like teaching as much as I do, but it is pretty awesome.

On a very different note: My ex-friend has been making an appearance in my life, mostly in passing-by, which shouldn't bother me but it does. It isn't so much that she goes to school here still, or that she's around, but what bothers me is that she sees me, and pretends like everything is fine, like nothing ever happened. I could claim, "O! The injustice!" but it would be to no point. I don't care that she's chosen to make the decisions she has. I don't care if she's miserable for the rest of her life. The only thing that gets me is that she smacked me in the face, stabbed me in the back, and 1. I don't know why she chose to do that and 2. when she sees/speaks to me, she acts like there is nothing wrong. I don't think I can ever be her friend again, and I don't know that I want to be her friend, especially after the way she has treated me. If she ever decides to  come crawling back to me, she can forget it. I'll have nothing to do with her. That is all I have to say on the subject.

Back to happier thoughts: My cousin is getting married this weekend, which is very nice. I would go except that I'll have a lot of work to do this weekend in terms of catching up on homework, making lesson plans, and celebrating my one-year anniversary on Sunday with Alex. (I mentioned in my last post that we'll be going to Santa Fe for the *real* celebration over fall break, and I will reiterate that I am very excited about this trip). I am disappointed that I will not be able to go to the wedding and remain productive over the weekend. Since I would have to leave tomorrow afternoon and wouldn't come back until Sunday, I would really be killing most of my weekend that way.

Coming up is Halloween, and my birthday just before. In November we're having a piano burning, which will be a ghastly but wonderful event all at the same time. I'm really looking forward to that, even though some folks will be sad at the death of the piano.

Because it is the fall season and the leaves are turning, the witchy part of me wants out, and so that means I need to fix my dress. It is a dress I got at the Renaissance Festival last year. The strap came undone where it attaches to the main part of the dress. However, I feel it is an easy fix (I only need to find my needle stash and my black thread). I am anxious to wear it. I feel I need to find a good amount of accessories to wear with it, and I'll go as a witch again for Halloween this year. I can't remember the last time I was a witch for Halloween, but I do know it has been a long time since I even dressed up.

But for now, I have to go, as Alex's homemade pizza is finished and I am hungry enough to eat a medium sized mammal.

#53--Two Months Later, Three Days To Go

Well a lot has happened since July and my last post. Some things I was on top of then  have fallen out of my higher priority list (KAFE being one of those, unfortunately).

As far as the lunch thing went from before, it was alright. Outside of that, the person has received quite an injury due to some negligence on the boss's part, and is laid up until who knows when. Maybe for quite a long time. There is nothing I can do about all that.


School has been quite an adventure so far... Between teaching and taking classes, there is a lot to be learned. I just had my mid-term evals the other day, and 99.9% of comments were positive reflections of my class times and efforts therein. I found this to be quite encouraging.

In three days it will have been a  year since the wedding, and I am excited to achieve that milestone. We are going to Santa Fe next week to celebrate (during fall break). That trip should be quite lovely as well, since my bro-in-law says the weather down that way is beautiful.

That's as much of an update as I can give right now, since I need to run to the store for pizza toppings. That's right--homemade pizza by Alex. :-D It is always quite tasty.

Ciao!

#52--Was It Worth It?

Maybe. I can't tell yet.

Lunch, which I thought was good. I felt the air was cleared. Or at least more clear than before.

Evening, which is tense. I don't know why. I can't even carry on a decent conversation. Talking goes both ways.

I can't decide if I'm ashamed or disgusted or upset or sad. But at what part?

I am a trusting person, and a forgiving person too. Does this mean that I have made the wrong choice? I saw/heard/read something recently that said something like "There is no *wrong* choice. Only another choice." I don't remember where that is from. It might be from the new Captain America movie. I'm not really sure.

*sigh*

Shooting An Elephant, George Orwell http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1SMRd5/ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/o/orwell/george/o79e/part4.html

#51--"Always A Reason To Smile"

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/8QPXfG/www.globalone.tv/profiles/blogs/16-rules-to-try-to-live-by

My husband sent me this link, probably because I am often in need of staying on track and remembering that life isn't always all about work (though work does help). I read through the list and I found that all of these were helpful to me, and that some of them could be used in multiple different aspects of my life, or in regard to different goals that I have for myself.

The last week (or so) has been pretty rough around the edges, and there is not a whole lot that I can really do to change things. People have died, others were married, and still others made their first appearance into this world. But that's the process of life, really.

Moving away from that which could very quickly become quite depressing, I still have school on my mind and I am still quite excited for orientation and the upcoming term. I am diving into literature that I haven't read since high school. It is a grand adventure all over again. I should also probably do at least a glance-over of some of my textbooks from my undergraduate semesters, just to brush up before I jump headfirst into teaching and taking graduate classes. I have a strong feeling that I am going to be quite busy this semester.

And next year we are hoping to be able to go to Australia! I am not sure if I have previously mentioned this on my blog, but there it is. As of right now there are four of us who are really planning to go, though four or six more have been invited to join in our escapades. I am not sure if the other six will be able to go due to some scheduling. Right now it is looking like the best time to go is in August. I am very excited for this trip. Number one, it's AUSTRALIA. Number two is, culture! and I think Number three is the bit about how I'm writing a story/novel/series that takes place in Australia, and so having the experience of going there and seeing everything firsthand will really be a benefit to my writing (and this will be the first official trip someplace where I am also using what I will see and learn to directly fuel the setting for a piece of my work). This is not to say that I do not use my other experiences in building the setting for my written works, it just means that most of the settings I have to pull from are of the midwestern influence, with a chunk of London and a small splash of Canada. I am truly looking forward to the vast differences that Australia has to offer, but that plane ride! Whew!

Well I suppose that is about all for now. I have some DDR on PS2 to get back to. Yay home workouts!

#50--Dreams and Money; The Money of My Dreams

Each dream is a hidden desire, a passion within me that I do not actively recognize.
There is some sort of truth about them--they say things about me that I would not admit to be true,
or at least not to your face.

But dream I do, and dream I have,
And for all those things that I dream and deny,
I cannot pretend or cover them all.

I am lucky to remember that which I dream,
Just like I am lucky to dream at all.
And in my heart I know that they should lead me to some part of myself that is hidden.

And a million and one questions rise up out of the gloom of my subconscious,
Unconscious,
And I find the questions are more numerous than my answers.

I feel that will always be the case.

Sometimes my wish is to dream, and I do not;
Other times I do not expect it and then I do.
It is quite hard coming back from those alternate realities that can seem almost better than the dawning of the day

But I have to remember that while I may be a different girl in my mind,
the one I am out here needs sustenance too,
And I cannot abandon her.

So the girl I dream of being, dream that I am,
she travels from my mind to my hand to the paper and lives;
She lives for so long that she is a legend, a myth--
A dream.

And so she comes full cycle,
taking pride in her effortless work
While I am breaking my back and my bank just to live,
Just to have food and shelter and a smile on my face.

The dreams that I dream and the girl within, they fade
into myth and legend and dream;
and I wonder if I will get to fulfill the same things as she.

#49--Heat Rising

What can you say about the middle of summer other than that it is usually miserable?

I had a lovely Fourth, though it didn't quite compare to previous years (which is good, while at the same time disappointing). Though I have more mosquito bites for having lit all the fireworks at night.

I write in my blog because sometimes it makes me feel relieved to have things out in the open. Granted there aren't many grand secrets shared here, but this is not the place for sharing secrets. And besides, if I did share them, then they wouldn't be secret anymore would they? I write on this blog so that someone may remember me.

Because after everything else in life, the only thing anyone wants is to be remembered. No one wants to be left behind or forgotten. I feel that a lot of life is based on a person trying to make themselves memorable. While there is nothing wrong at all with being remembered, it can be a treacherous road with many opportunities to go astray, or to be remembered in a negative light. I have no advice here, to offer the general public reading this as to how one should remain on the right path. And honestly, with each consecutive post I add to my blog, I feel a little more preachy each time.

I suppose that is a character flaw I will have to work on.

In other news, I am working on a project for a couple friends of mine, and while I have not spent too much time on it thus far, I am finding as I go along that I need more information than I have, and tools also, which are not readily at my disposal. What I shall have to do is make some time to go to KC so that I may use my mother-in-law's tools, or otherwise just have a craft day. I am excited to continue to work on this project, and the finished result should be quite impressive.

I am also working on my story "Morph" (working title), which I may have mentioned before. After a long conversation with Carol, I felt the need to make some changes, and from there I wrote out the general plot outline that I want to follow. I have also been playing Dungeons & Dragons recently, and I feel that is a great exercise for character building, and allows you to really get into the characters head. It nearly forces you to react and behave as that character. And while all characters have a little bit of ourselves in them, they will be almost completely different from their creator (with some similarities of course, either in behavior and habit of speech, or some such detail). I am wondering how that would work out in a classroom setting: to have each student create a character using a D&D character sheet and the rules thereof. It could make for an interesting exercise or segment of the class indeed. As a result of the D&D playing, I feel that I should make character sheets for my starring roles in Morph, so that I may come to a better understanding of how the characters would behave or interact. I say that I will do this for the starring roles because making sheets for 40 some odd characters would be SO intense. I'm not sure if I could handle that. But perhaps my writing would be better for it.

I picked up Rock Band yesterday with Carol and we played for several hours, until we started doing poorly on the songs/ran out of songs to play, and so we finally called it a night. And yes, my fingertips are particularly tender today, so writing this blog post has proved to be quite the challenge. However, I have made it this far and I feel that I am going to be just fine.

I have so many projects I want to work on its ridiculous. I have enough to probably keep me busy for the next two years at least, and who knows what kinds of new ideas will continue to be generated in that time. This fall I begin grad school and teaching, and I've been reading a lot more lately (fiction, of course) but I also want to get into a good autobiography or other non-fiction. Outside of that I am wanting to brush up on some textbook reading (gasp if you will, I feel compelled). I want to design outfits and other articles of clothing and then sew them and wear them around and post pictures of my creations online. Fashion seems to be a newer interest of mine, and I was never especially fond of keeping up with trends or giving them any value at all until last summer when I started working at F21. I also want to finish painting the upstairs room, which means we will need to get more paint (which of course costs money, but what doesn't cost money lately?). I very much need to organize my roll-top desk (yes, roll-top desk: an antique in fact!) and set up my desktop computer and re-organize my filing cabinet. And I need to do laundry and clean up the walk-in closet and vacuum the whole house and plan a Harry Potter Movie-A-Thon. And on top of all these ambitions and things I'm going to be doing, there is NaNoWriMo in November to think about, and Sigma Tau Delta (which I will pick back up with the school year), and I also want to try to get involved with the community as well.

This is a lot on my plate I feel like, and I'm hoping I can achieve even a fraction of it. But if i keep confidence in myself and my wits about me, while also managing my time and money in a more economical fashion, then I am sure that I will be able to achieve ALL of these things.

And what I'm saying here is, if you have something you want to do, and you've never been able to do it, then set your mind to it. Research what you need to do to achieve your goal, and then go out there and grab it. Don't let yourself get to a point where you can never accomplish what you dreamed of. Make that bucket list, and then cross everything off as you complete the task.

We only have one life here on this Earth (for all we know) so we might as well make the best of it.

#48--Life, Writing, School, and Many More

Things are going. As they always are.

My working situation is still kind of crazy, and I am anxious for the summer to be done (never thought I'd say that) so that I can start classes in the fall. I have been recently enrolled in my classes, and have discovered that there is a week-long orientation immediately prior to the beginning of classes. My advisor claims it is most likely that I will be teaching my first classes on the first day of classes, so that should prove interesting indeed!

Something I've been doing a lot of lately is reading, which is fine by me, and I understand (again) why I love it so much and why I am unperturbed when I read instead of doing important things like laundry. My husband does not find this terribly useful though, and since the third book in the series I'm reading is being read by someone else currently, then I suppose I shall have to spend this week catching up on all those household chores that I've let fall behind.

Speaking of fiction, the same person who has book three also had a discussion with me last night into the wee hours of the morning regarding a story she had thought up a long time ago and seems to have extensive notes on but has never tried to really write. She has also not shared the plot or ideas with anyone except myself, and for this I feel quite honored. As we discussed her ideas, I became more and more excited for her story, and I have offered my assistance as she feels it is needed. I told her we could aim for getting our stories published around the same time. *Because that would be awesome!* And if you're wondering anything about the story she passed along to me last night, then I am very sorry to say that I cannot and will not reveal anything, as it is not my story to share. But I will tell you that it is quite compelling, and should she happen to get the work published, then I will divulge the title/author/isbn number with you, and you shall all have to take my word for it that it is awesome and go out to purchase and read the book.

In other exciting news, my mother has agreed to get me a Kindle or iPad, whichever I choose, so that I may put my textbooks on the device and thus save much money as I go into graduate school. This has led to some barrels full of research on my part. I seem to know a lot of people with Kindles, and they all love the Kindle, and I know one or two people with an iPad, and they like it just as much as another person likes their Kindle. I have a lot of stipulations for the device, things that I need it to be able to do so that I may make the best use of it for graduate school. I have taken all of these into consideration and received some important feedback from peers and professors regarding the particular devices. I think I have decided to go with the iPad, as it has the ability to do more, and I can get the Kindle app on the iPad and still have the HUGE selection of books that I feel I need access to. :)

Back to my friend's fictional adventure--this has re-inspired me to pick up the story I was working on long ago (No, not Angela's Story, as some of you may have read/seen on my other blog page). This story is one that I am attempting to hand-write first. You may call me crazy as a result, but I am okay with that. I feel that writing it out by hand gives me a stronger connection to the storyline, the characters, and helps me care a little more about how well I have crafted the story. I am sad that I have not worked on it since February (which wasn't THAT long ago, but it feels like it has been ages), but at the same time, I am glad to have it finally unpacked and to be thinking about it again. My first goal was to try to have the first draft done by the end of 2011, but I really don't think that is going to happen (but that doesn't mean that it won't!).

Since the laundry machine just buzzed at me, I shall have to go take care of that.

Until next time...

#47--This Crazy Heat

And tornadoes and floods and wildfires and...

Every crazy weather phenomenon that *could* happen seems to actually *be* happening across the country. Between the weather and the economy, I'm surprised we're managing to survive (not entirely surprised, but you get my drift).

I know I'm not the only one with money problems, not the only person who can't afford the things I need in order to live comfortably--and I'm not asking for a handout either. I'm just expressing that it is hard financially to come out even, but we're scraping by.

My workplace presents a continuous (and unnecessary) level of stress that I could really do without. It doesn't look like things are going to be getting better any time soon either, at least not until we have a meeting with the manager's boss, but who knows when that will actually happen. I'm looking forward to it though, so I can voice my concerns and so that we as a staff can come to some conclusions and work on making our work situation better and make it more safe overall, for guests and employees alike. But all these things going on with this make me look forward to teaching in the fall, and starting my graduate career as well.

Which reminds me, I need to get my bookshelf organized! Which means that I need to unpack all my books. Which means that I need some bookshelves to put them on. Whew. We'll get that worked out too I suppose. But I do fully intend to brush up on some knowledge and skills prior to starting everything in the fall, just so that I can get into a good groove again by the time school starts, and so I can be practiced in the same things that I'll be teaching.

My sister is about to have her baby (they are inducing her today) or have already induced her, I'm not sure which. We are all very excited for little Drake to get here, but we will have to hope that the internet does him justice when she gets around to putting pics up, since she's in Hawaii and we're all on the mainland. On another note, Peter is doing better after his surgery (if you don't know and are family you can email me privately for the full scoop). He is attending physical therapy three times a week and is going through a cardio rehab program as well. My mom has hurt her back by sleeping wrong, which tore a muscle and now she is having quite a hard time getting around. She has been to the doctor and received some medication and has also been excused from work as well, so all that we can do is wait for her torn muscle to heal so she can get around again. One of my aunts had surgery on her hand last week, and will have surgery on the other one in July, so that is a whole different adventure, one my younger sister has been helping out with.

Besides all of that we've had some issues with the house we rent and our landlord but nothing terribly extreme. I had a chance to talk to him today and he will come by to fix the broken things tomorrow whenever I give him a call to let him know we are awake and ready.

The summer so far has been kind of hectic but not in the bad way. It is tough though to get together with everyone that I want to hang out with, since we tend to have vastly different schedules. I did get some quality time in the other day with my gals Tina and Emily, and we went to see X Men First Class, which I'm pretty sure we all thought was awesome. If you haven't seen it, you should. I'm supposed to go swimming with some friends on Friday for more girl time (if it doesn't rain). But the weatherman has been talking about rain off and on for all week this week and it hasn't happened yet. Also we're going to our friends' wedding on Saturday, so we're all hoping that the rain holds off for that day too. They're getting married in the newly renovated "old" theater, that was built in the 1920s. It's really going to be beautiful.

And talking about weddings reminds me of pretty dresses and how I intend to make myself some. Also, I keep meaning to follow more fashion-oriented things and then I forget, which reflects badly upon me. What I really need (or feel the need to do) is start designing some things. Even if I never make them (even though I do hope to make them) then it will at least make me feel better. Maybe I can snag my roommate into helping me make them--that would be quite the series of projects.

Regardless of what I decide to do with my summer, be it reading or designing and sewing, I'm sure you'll be hearing much more about it in the near future. So until next time, goodnight.

#46--Acceptance

I did receive word that I have been chosen for the graduate teaching position I mentioned, which makes me very excited indeed for this fall. I am already giving thought to what areas I would like to study. Literature and Linguistics stand out the most to me I think, but I will have to see what my advisor says as well in regard to what his recommendations are for me.

We are finally getting things unpacked around the house too, and with our random and various work schedules, its hard to really see one another (or to see everyone) all at the same time.

I'm sure that whoever is reading this (besides my four or five loyalist readers) is probably pretty bored with what I've got going on. Because really, who wants to hear about someone else's day-to-day life, when they have their own (perhaps slightly dull) life to live and hear about a million times over from their families and friends?

So, we may be able to paint upstairs. If so, then I have a few swatches picked out. The main color would be "Sun Poppy" or something like that, with teal and dark brown accents. The brown would be used almost minimally, since we wouldn't want the room to become "heavy." I am also excited for the construction of new bookshelves, which may not happen for several months. But I am quite eager to get my books out of their boxes so they can "breathe" on the shelf. They will feel better which will make me feel better. And then of course I can read them all, all over again. :-)

And then I spent about an hour between that paragraph and this one, roaming facebook and checking various emails, and even discovering some new blogs (which I now follow). I do wonder sometimes if the whole concept of "following" someone on any of the various sites with the follow option is healthy or if it should be considered a form of stalking... Not to say that I seek out any other information from these blogs other than what is posted routinely (or not) by the blog operator. But isn't it weird how we creep on people and their lives, secretly peeking in at them and their personal moments? Whether we intend to be a more advanced form of a peeping-tom or if we're just looking to not be alone in the recesses of the internet, there is a level of mysticism to the whole act, and I feel that after a certain point, "following" gets to be too much. At what point do we become too wrapped up in someone else's life that we do not realize that we have our own? That perhaps we are not living our own life as we would want to because we are so caught up with making sure that some random person and otherwise a stranger made it through a particularly rough Tuesday afternoon, post-breakup, post-car wreck, post-raining for three days straight and now their flowerbeds have all gone to muddy awfulness. These details are not wrong to share, and probably not wrong to witness, but a flowerbed does not influence how I live my life, or the choices I make after I log off and go to bed. (On the same note, I do not necessarily mean that these details are entirely irrelevant either, just that there is a lot of mixup between what we do and what we wish we were doing, but instead we read about someone else doing those things we wish we would/could do, rather than seeking out a method to actually accomplish the goal ourselves.)

This seems like the kind of conversation that needs more studying, and more in-depth analysis, so for now, I really will go to bed and remember that I am me, and that no one else can be me.

#45--Summertime

I feel that I am often neglecting my blog, and for that I am disappointed in myself. However, life sometimes dictates that the time you want to spend writing on your blog should really be spent doing other things, like working or being with family.

Recently, I have purchased a new car: Dodge Caliber. It is very nice. There seems to be an issue with how it drives (more recently than when I bought it) and so I am taking it in tomorrow for servicing. I am hoping that it will not take the entire day, so that I might still be able to get some packing done and get some items moved tomorrow.

Speaking of moving and packing, I have been accepted to graduate school for the fall, and I am very excited. I am still waiting to hear about whether or not I will have the teaching assistantship position, but I really hope I get that too, because that will save me a lot of loan money. Since I have been accepted, moving is what we are focusing on now. Moving is alright, but I'd rather that we could get it all done in a day or so instead of taking a week to do it all, and that it wasn't so expensive to get everything from one place to another.

On another note, the dogs are sick. We think they ate something particularly nasty over the weekend when they stayed with my in-laws. I am hoping that they both recover soon, because constantly cleaning is a hassle, and also because I just want them to feel better.

About a week ago (a little more than) my father-in-law had a heart attack and had to have quadruple bypass surgery. He came home Sunday, and is glad to be home. He is doing very well also, even though many of us were fairly frightened with everything when it was happening. It has made me look at the things in my life that are important, and start thinking a little differently about the world.

It seems there are certain places where people really bond, regardless of race or creed. One of those places is a hospital waiting room. Stereotypical? Maybe. But it is true: everyone in that waiting room has something on their mind, and usually when people in waiting rooms talk, they display thoughts and feelings of sympathy to the others they are communicating with. Now if we were to apply that to everything else we do, we might have a better understanding of foreign affairs, issues within a community, etc. If I took a moment to think that the guy who cut me off on the highway might be rushing home to help his ailing wife, I might think twice about throwing the bird or honking my horn. If we thought about the person who is rude to the waitress at the next table might have lost a family pet or may have been fired from his job of 34 years, maybe we would think twice before we labeled that person as a jerk. I realize there are a lot of "ifs" and "maybes" here, but when you think about it, in the end you are not angry at the person, and instead try to rationalize their actions, and ultimately, sympathize with them for their unknown situation. And at the end of the day, you can say to yourself that instead of making that person's day worse, and instead of being upset that they cut you off in the first place, you can understand that you allowed that person to get where they are going, without causing a greater chance of recklessness. I also understand that not everyone always has something to rush home to, emergency or otherwise, and that people do tend to be jerks when they drive or eat out. I am not excusing those people from being jerks. What I am trying to say is, if we took a moment to smile, or say hi, or comprehend their situation, then we would probably make their day a lot better. A smile is always more welcome than a frown and a nasty middle finger.

Who couldn't use an extra jolt of happiness or kindness in their life? 

#44--Easter Weekend

I have been kind of bummed that I have to work all this weekend and so will not be able to be with family for Easter celebrations. At the same time, I am glad for the work and the income it supplies me with.

But what makes it all better is what my husband told me today:

"Since we've been married, I've fallen more in love with you."

I can't stop grinning.

<3

#43--What a Long Time!

My it has been awhile!

This post will be brief since I have jammed my finger well enough to make typing painful.

I have recently applied to graduate school (YAY!) and I should be hearing back about that this week or next. Hopefully soon, though.

Also, a new job has helped me and my husband get through some tough financial spots, but that does not mean that we are completely in the clear. Things seem to be getting better though. :)

In the meantime Alex has been making pizzas, and I've been having dreams that inspire story writing and campaign creations for D&D. Yes, I am a nerd like that. I am looking forward to playing in the dungeon-esque basement I will soon have, as well as completing the current campaign we are on.

Lately I have also taken up disc golf and tennis, as purely recreational physical activities and by no means am I competing in them, or even necessarily playing by the rules. In case you're wondering, this is not how I jammed my finger. I can't wait til the pool opens/the weather is nice enough to where we can play tennis every day.

Outside of that I have some projects I am working on, which are slow-paced at the moment. I intend to pick up on them more over the summer, between working, moving, and visiting old friends. Sounds like I'm not going to have a lot of time to do much else.

Hooray for busy times, and for good friends and family. Until next time, Happy Easter!

#42--St. Patrick's Day

Today and the last couple of days have been beautiful outside and I have been so excited about the lovely weather. I've been able to take the dogs to the park and let them run around for awhile, and we've also been able to go play tennis after the guys get home from work.

A small note here: unemployment sucks.

On to other things: I can't wait for even more warm weather, for the pool to open and for more grilling opportunities. I'm starting to get back into my writing, which I had put aside for a long time as a result of a temporary position as assistant editor and a then continuing job hunt. So as I said, I'm back into my writing, going slowly since I've been away for so long.

There is not much else to report here outside of the meeting I have tomorrow with ESU's career services. Hopefully that will really help me with finding a job or going back to school in the fall. Either way, more news to come.

#41--Pi(e) Day & Rejuvenation

Today Alex and I bought a new washer and dryer, since our dryer basically burned itself out (taking some clothing with it that could not be repaired. :( Bummer. But the new machines will be here tomorrow afternoon, and I am glad for it.

Also today I had an interview that went very well indeed, and so I hope to hear back about that tomorrow or Wednesday. :D That hopefully will be GREAT  hours and decent pay, and of course benefits.

And today is Pi Day (3.14) which we typically celebrate around here by indulging in a meal strictly consisting of various kinds of pie. This year we were not able to have an official Pi(e) Day, so I may surprise peeps this weekend with a slew of pies. Maybe. This mainly depends on what the job situation is by this weekend for me. We shall see. 

**** In Other News ****

So lately I've been thinking. Reassessing my educational choices. What I mean is, I'm thinking about going back to school.

The thing is, I am not entirely sure *what* I want to go back to school for. I am very much interested in the human condition, helping others, psychology, history, sociology, and so forth. At the same time, I still want to be writing novels (and I am still working on my personal writing). Many things will require a master's degree, which is fine, and should only take about two years. The only thing is deciding what I want to do. I suppose this decision is not necessarily a tough one but I want to be extra sure of my goal before I even look at schools to apply to.

I've been able to help people before, and I feel like I have a talent for helping others. With as much as I love children and with so much compassion that I feel I hold for others (yes, sometimes I am quite short with people, but I think everyone is subject to that sometimes) I think that a career in social work would not be out of the question for me.

But is it what I *want* to do? I know that I am the only one that can answer this question. I want to be able to do good things with my life, and I want to be able to look back and say "I helped someone be a better person. I helped to make a difference, providing a positive experience for someone who needed a friend." I want to be able to do that in any way I can. I want to help improve the quality of life for as many people as I can manage to influence. Whether its through writing, counseling, listening, voting, writing to senators and congressmen, etc.

I suppose what I'm feeling here is a bit confused, but I want to turn that confusion into a positive energy force and ride the wave for as long as I can manage. Is that wrong of me? To want to entertain and assist, to help and comfort, to make a difference in my local and national community.

And of course there is some recognition to be had in there somewhere. And who isn't after a little piece of "fame?" But that is not my motivation for getting into this thread of ideas, for wanting to go to school again and become something better than I am now, to widen my possibilities for my future (and the future of others). And my desire to return to school is not solely based in the fact that I'm fresh from my undergraduate career and I'm missing the routine and the atmosphere (it is true, I am, but so what? I have a desire for more *education,* more **knowledge?** Ha).

I remember what my grandfather was like: He would talk to anyone and everyone that he could get to listen to him. Sure he distracted people and made them late for their original plans, or came off as the crazy old man with one eye that wouldn't shut up--but who cares? He made people laugh. He made people blush (especially me). He so enjoyed talking to people at random, people he didn't know and would never see again. For him, it wasn't about making a lifelong friend, or even remembering their name the next day (he did remember most times, but sometimes he'd forget). For Grandpa, it was about sharing an experience. Making a frowny-faced person smile a little at the hotel's continental breakfast. And no one could resist his hefty laugh.

I guess the point I'm driving at is that ultimately, I want to be like him. I want to be as congenial and friendly and open as he was. I want to love people and animals and the world they way that he loved the color of the trees in the fall, how he loved taking me to the lake to feed the geese bits of bread, how he longed for the road trips in summer and fishing just to find the fish that lived in the lake. That is the kind of person I want to be, and I think that a new path is the way to achieve that. Specifically, a path towards helping others, talking to them, and making them laugh. And at the end of the road, as I take my last breath, I want to know that I loved as much as I could. I want to wallow in the feeling that I gave love with every ounce of my being. I want to know that love that I gave will live on in someone else.

So I suppose that over the course of this post, I have determined what I want to do, and now I know where to begin. More thought will be put into this topic, and hopefully I will decide on the specific degree that will best suit what it is that I want to do with my future, to get me on the path to greater love.

#40--Out of "IT"

IT.

The most important thing that could possibly exist.

And I've run out.

That's all there is to (it).

Today was an adventurous day. It rained. I did something I've never done before (yes, that's all you get to know). I may or may not do it again in the future. I had a meeting. Went to dinner with my hubby and saw Rango (awesome!) after foods.

Home now, and feeling in a rut. Or a trench. Or maybe I'm just outside of the whole thing. Not necessarily feeling invisible, just awkward. If that makes sense.

I've not had much opportunity lately, for anything. Or at least it feels that way. Maybe I'm just not getting out enough. But that's hard to do when you're trying not to buy a tankful of gas every three days. And at the outrageous price of nearly 3 1/2 per gallon, its not worth (it). IT is much better to stay at home. Where IT is safe, and not awkward.

You probably don't have any idea what I'm talking about, and that's okay; I don't know what I'm talking about either.

So much is different today than from yesterday. IT is crazy to think about. Specific examples, while they could be given, are not necessarily applicable to YOU. I'm sure you can think of your own examples.

I'm feeling a lot of things lately. Frustrated. But who isn't? IT will be spring soon, so people will be hiring. For real jobs. I'm thinking a lot of things lately too. Like something that Alex said: You can't always be waiting on (living for) the next step. You have to live for the present situation. (This is not an exact quote, but a paraphrase, so forgive me if I am incorrect in my phrasing here.) But the whole idea makes sense. There is a significant amount of "dwelling on the past" that one can do before exhausting themselves or becoming totally depressed. But the pendulum swings the other way too, and one can become so obsessed with what might happen or what they want to happen in their future or life that they become sullen, aggravated when they do not achieve the goals they had in mind. IT is different from perseverance and determination, willingness and ability. IT is the mere *thought* that does all the slaying.

Interesting isn't IT?

Knowledge and use of thought are all powerful beings which we take for granted. And I'm sure that some think of them as a curse in a sense, bestowed upon mankind when Eve plucked the apple from the tree. But the self-awareness and thought processes we possess separate us from other beings, and certainly our extended emotional depth is configured in there somewhere as well.

That is an old argument that I do not currently wish to pursue. IT just always comes up.

Finding one's path through life is a daunting challenge, since that every day that one lives is entirely different from the one before. IT can be hard to maintain a stable level of self-respect, self-knowingness from day to day, or year to year. You age and grow, learn, lead, follow, trip, screw up, apologize (or not), and the next day you are different. Changed.

So as the song goes: "the only thing that stays the same is, everything changes, everything cha-ee-anges." (lol).

You can always count on IT.

IT will always be there for you. IT will never abandon you, or judge you or ask you to be different. IT will never throw you a curve ball. IT is always fair. IT is unbiased and spreads unconditional love to all.

If you think you are not affected by IT, think again. IT has you in IT's clutches. You will never escape.

So you might as well make friends with IT now, before you waste your life trying to be the same as you ever were.

#39--Year of the Rabbit

So today, I had a meeting with my boss, who, it turns out, is totally cool with the idea of me going to China! I can still work for him while I'm overseas making more money, and get double experience! I know that I will more than likely be extremely busy, but I am going to have sooo much fun and I'll get to take the hubby with me!

Back to my original train of thought: I had a meeting today with my boss and I decided to wear my rabbit shirt, which I got as a present from my youngest sister a couple of Christmases ago. After my meeting ended I met my dear hubby for lunch at Panda Express, where a sticker on the glass door informed me that 2011 is the year of the Rabbit. (For those of you who don't know, I was born in the year of the Rabbit, so this was kind of exciting to me). I also got a really good fortune which I cannot immediately remember (but it's upstairs on my dresser!).

So considering all my good fortune lately, I'm going to say that it is due to this being MY YEAR: The Year of the Rabbit. At the same time it sounds like a great story title. And a quick search results in not a whole lot under that or similar titles (mostly it is relating to the Chinese zodiac).

I also find it interesting that this opportunity for me to go overseas and teach in China coincides with it being a year represented by the same animal I was born under.

All of this has led me to some impromptu research on the Chinese zodiac.

http://www.chinesezodiac.com/

The Rabbit symbolizes creativity, compassion, and sensitivity. They are friendly, outgoing and prefer the company of others. They also prefer to avoid conflict.

Rabbits believe strongly in friends and family and lacking such bonds can lead to emotional issues.

(There was a bit about not liking competitive situations, and for me at least, I would probably have to say that is not entirely true--I can be very competitive during card and board games).

Rabbits are also classy, sophisticated, expressive, well-mannered and stylish; enjoy learning about cultural issues and people from other countries (How appropriate--and true!), are articulate and good communicators, and friends and peers seek out their advice. Its also why Rabbits make excellent diplomats and politicians. Some other good careers for Rabbits include: writer (awesome!), publisher (yes!), actor, fashion designer, therapist, doctor, administrator, public relations, and teacher (woo!).

I might mention now that I've had interests in the other areas listed above: I am very intrigued by fashion, wanted to be an actress when I was little (and would often practice for the mirror and make so much noise that my mother would tell me to SHUSH!), I did contemplate going into the health field while I was in school with my main interest being in Psychology, I am very good at public relations, perform administrative tasks very well, and now, I will be teaching English in China! This is almost too cool to believe.

Apparently there are five elements that influence the Chinese zodiac signs, and those elements are Earth, Fire, Water, Wood, and Metal.

I was born in 1987, so that makes me a Fire Rabbit, which possesses the additional traits: "Fire adds spark to the Rabbit's personality and all that Fire Rabbits do. Fire compels Rabbits to seek new adventures. Prone to tantrums, Fire Rabbits prefer to avoid conflict."
I don't know about the tantrums part, but I'm sure my mom might have something different to say about that. ;-)

I feel that most of the information provided on this site (noted above) is accurate for myself, though I do not invest a lot of effort into heavily following any horoscope-type thing, though it is interesting to see how these things can be found in the people they are said to apply to.

I find it quite interesting to read about the other signs as well. It is not terribly difficult to deduce which sign is yours, or what element applies to your sign.

This is another compelling aspect of Chinese culture, and I have many more to discover before I am going on the adventure to China later this year.

There is so much to learn!

***Computer! Commence Absorption of Chinese Culture Sequence!***

Good careers for Rabbits include:

#38: Bamboozled!

Well, life is sure something.

I've got curve balls coming in from all directions it feels like.


Mostly in the area of loans. I thought I had a lot, then I figured I had a lot less, then I discovered I had more than I thought I did the first time around. It sure is something. The phrase "hell on a cracker" comes to mind, and as I'm pretty sure I've never actually heard that spoken before, then I can't really say I've got any good examples for how to use it. Except now I'm hungry.

Today has got me thinking. A lot of things are a mystery. So much of life is based on "what we know," or "who we know." But what is knowledge really? Is it what we assume to be true? All those things we learn in elementary and high school are the basis of rudimentary knowledge, and everyone should have fair access. Yes I agree. Fair access. MMM-hmm.

Well then, why are we so focused on educating ourselves with information that is all based on assumptions, or on some STORY that someone once told to someone else?

Of course, this all makes perfect sense. In ancient Greece and Rome, philosophers debated things day in and day out. They never tired. Ideas then were so new, so fresh (so clean), that it must have been very confusing indeed to really find a way through all of the mental sludge.

They talked about politics and sex and government and democracy and what that means to a people; they talked about education and who was the better philosopher and they solved puzzles that never had a moral to them in the first place and yet they were "satisfied" on some level.

Does this mean they were not satisfied with some of their discussions? Sure. But they sat around and THOUGHT about what the meaning or implication of a certain thing was or what it could be. How convenient! To have nothing better to do with one's time than to think and to talk!

But they were in for a change I'm sure. And who's to say that Plato or Aristotle didn't hoe their fair share of dirt in their day? After all, the beauty of thought lies in that you can do it while completing some other task. For instance, right now I am thinking about 1.) how much I don't want to do the dishes, 2.) that student loans suck and how did I accrue so much to begin with, and 3.) this conversation about philosopher's that break a sweat.

If we take it one step further, we could say that all animals or organisms have "thought" on some level. They can think about what they need to do according to what nature has divined that they shall do. They can think about the pecking order in their pack or how much food they need to eat before winter or how to hide in the bushes to avoid their predators. The same creatures also have emotion, and can experience pain, sadness, loneliness, love, heartbreak, happyness and contentment.

I feel then, that it is fair to say that those same creatures as mentioned above do not think about the things that humans think about. They aren't concerned with democracy (though we might call them democratic in their actions and behaviors, that is only a projection of our understanding of things onto them as a species or group). They are not concerned with how to further GAIN knowledge. They have a certain knowledge yes, and have the capacities to learn MORE certainly, but they do not actively strive for "knowledge." They do not strive for power through knowledge, unless it was through some knowledge they already possessed. We have a curiosity, a THIRST, to know more than what our instincts are.

What then, separates us from these animals? Well, thought of course. We cannot claim to have language all to ourselves, though we might be able to claim that we have the most different TYPES of language per species (but I am not a scientist and cannot prove that, nor do I wish to assert that my claim here is entirely 100% "true").

As humans, we THINK. And with "thought" comes sophisticated things, such as the concept of wearing clothing. What other animal actively puts on a garment before associating with other animals of its own or of a different kind? None that I can think of. And sure, little monkeys might put a leaf on their head to protect them from the sun, but that is not a daily routine, and those leaves are not washed, dried and reused on a daily basis.

Something else that separates us from animals is RELIGION. So far as I know, there is not (or are not many; again, I am not a scientist) an animal or species outside of ourselves that actively worship any higher being which we have NEVER seen with our eyes. You may claim that you've had visions, or dreams, or seen pictures, or someone at some point in time DID see the diety, or the proof thereof. I am not meaning to sound like a skeptic here, or renounce my faith in any way, but I personally have not laid eyes upon the true God. I have spoken with him, or in some way communicated with him (speech wasn't really involved, it was way more internal than that, a THOUGHT) in the past, but have not witnessed any monkeys or koalas, lizards, donkeys or anything else actively building shrines and temples and churches and then congregating in their structures (or even in a holy place) for any action outside of eating, drinking, birthing, and dying. What spurs us to be so motivated to search for and believe in something that is SO truly unique to our species?

Religion cannot be limited to one or even a few human cultures. Every single human culture has had the following things: thought, language, religion, suicide, music and song, war, politics, scandal, murder, marriage, birth, and death. (I am not an anthropologist, so if I'm missing some utopian society by throwing in "suicide," "war," "scandal," and "murder," I apologize for my inaccuracy).

These are things in this life of which every person can be certain.

Again I ask you, why do we seek after these things which no other creature holds to be of any importance? Does that not mystify you? Of course it does. And if you feel you have an answer, please share it. I am open to all theories, this just happens to be mine.

I was reading an article today (I forget the title, the anthology, and the editor that put it all together), about fantasy fiction. The article discussed how we (in the royal sense) strive to discover that which is unknown to us, but that we also recognize that some things are better left undiscovered, unsaid. The question here is not how we differentiate or if we should, or whether or not one way is better than the other, but merely, WHY? Why do we have this YEARNING to know what is unknown? And better than that, WHY ARE WE SO SCARED OF IT?

Think about it!

What is one thing that is completely unknown to ANY and ALL humans?

What happens after death!

I mean, what does happen?

YOU DON'T KNOW!

I know this has got to drive a lot of people crazy.

*back on track now, promise*

As I continued reading the article about curiosity and the known vs. the unknown and why we are so obsessed with it, it discussed in more detail how we (again with the royal) are not satisfied with not knowing, but if we did know, we STILL would not be satisfied!

Such a conundrum!

What a quandary!


And then there was a bit about something C.S. Lewis said, that I cannot remember exactly, about being "constricted to this earth," or something of that nature, dealing mostly around the word "constricted."

And then I thought to myself, how glorious! How marvelous and uncanny (also topics of the article)! To be set here, upon this earth; to have descended from who-knows-what (since we didn't have a written or very well structured oral language waaaaaay back in the day) and become what we are; to desire a thing called "knowledge," regardless of who bestowed it upon us or in what manner--

To think we are the only creatures we know of that are this way!

AND MORE IMPORTANTLY

To think that, if we are so different from other creatures in life, then who can REALLY claim that we will be so similar to those same other creatures in death?

Upon death, will we cease to exist entirely? Will we go on to be with the Lord? Or will we find some other method of being released from this "constriction of life" as it were?

I think that this is enough mind-boggling for one afternoon, and now must see to the dishes that I mentioned earlier. ;-)

#37--Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!

I am now employed, and loving it so far! It is so exciting to be employed in my field, actually using the degree I went to school for, but its also very exciting to be employed after being out of work for so long. Okay, so it wasn't really THAT long, but it sure felt that way.

In the meantime, I've been working on some fictional writing of my own. I recently discovered a fiction contest, so I have been working on a piece for that. My limit is 2500 words, but when I counted them all, I have about 1100. So there is a lot of wiggle room for editing.

This last weekend the guys worked on a stop motion film that is pretty awesome. I'm not allowed to say a whole lot about it, but every part of it is going to be completely amazing. I really can't wait to see it when it is all finished.

Some goals I have for this year include:
- Finish writing my book and find a publisher (and hopefully get it printed!)
- Research and incorporate that research into the story about Jack Price.
- Finish Angela's story.
- Participate in NaNoWriMo AND SUCCEED!
- Conduct my own NaNo with my friend Grace
- Have my own home with my husband!

It sounds like a lot, but I think I can accomplish all of these things.

Well, here goes!

#36--D&D Weekend

This last weekend was a weekend spent with friends, playing D&D. It was the second time I've ever played, and it was buckets of fun! I also have purchased my own dice, so that really helped me feel more connected as well.

Friday I had an interview and I am waiting to hear back from that. I have another one tomorrow at a different place, so I am hoping that goes well or proves to be something I am capable/want to do.

A writing contest has come to my attention, which has no entry fee, so I anticipate to be working on that soon in hopes to get something created in that way. I have also been working on the Rumplestiltskin story, and I'm becoming more wrapped up in it the more that I compose. Lately though, due to D&D weekend probably, I have been feeling creatively drained, and characters are bleeding from one into another, and becoming less distinguishable. So a brief break is in order it feels like. I'm hoping also that the editing process won't take terribly long, but who can tell at this point. In the meantime, I'm waiting to hear back from a potential publisher about whether or not they are able to accept international works (I'm assuming they are/will).

Also this weekend, I did a little dress "shopping" with Miss Kristen for her wedding, so really, I went along and gave feedback on the dresses she's tried on. It was a lot of fun, and she found (at least two, I think) that are viable options. :D

Outside of that I am feeling down still, but I am trying very hard not to let myself get discouraged about things. It is difficult to be positive when there's not much going on, and not a lot to do, and when getting out of the apartment (not counting dog walking) is a rare occurrence. I keep looking forward to the things we'll be able to accomplish soon, but all of it is pending upon employment.

There's not much else to report outside of this. Evan recently got jellyfish and they sit in our living room, providing entertainment for all. Sometimes they get stuck in the rocks on the bottom, and then they have to be pulled out from between them. The snow outside isn't melting fast enough I feel, and the weather is forecasting for more starting this afternoon and continuing all night long, with temps in the lower single digits all day tomorrow. Look at me, I feel like a weatherman. Ha. Either way, I'm tired of snow. I need some sunshine to warm myself up, and not only that, but to cheer me up too. I can't wait til I am able to go play tennis with the guys at our court at our apartment. We got all the stuff last year, but never had the opportunity to play. But this year, oh yes. Not to mention that I really want to be fit by summer, so I actually feel good in a swimsuit. I do not want to be overweight for the rest of my life. And for those of you that know me personally, and say that I don't need to lose weight, yes, yes I do. I don't intend to do this in an unhealthy manner by any means, but I can legitimately say I don't feel energized, or thin, and I don't fit in a lot of things that I want to fit in. It's pathetic, and I need to get on the ball. Which is why I'm going to finish this post right about now and turn on my Wii and workout with my Wii Active. So take that BMI! I'm coming after you, and you're going down.

#35--Discouraged

I feel disengaged from everything lately. I don't know if it is because I don't have a job and I'm having such trouble finding one, or if its for some other reason.

I'm not motivated to do things, like clean the house (which seems to be constantly dirty), to make dinner, and a lot of times, I'm not motivated to write. I feel like I really have to psych myself up before I can even *think* about writing, and then it takes forever for me to come to any kind of idea of what scene to write, or which story to write about, or what my characters are doing. And that's not quite the worst part of it: I feel, as I'm writing, like everything that I'm putting on the paper isn't making sense, or that it won't flow the way I want it to. I don't think this concern I have during writing is related directly to the act of writing itself, since I've never seemed to have a problem before, but that it is linked to the motivation issue I seem to be having.

Its hard to keep up confidence in yourself when you don't feel valued. Specifically, from employers. I honestly am so frustrated with the system its ridiculous. I don't *want* to apply for jobs. I'm starting to forget/not care what I even end up doing for a job, even if I end up miserable. I don't feel like this is any kind of resignation, just a lack of caring for my own jobless situation. It is repeated to me that I shouldn't give up; that I can't give up. This is all fine and good, but at this point, I don't know what to do to get an employer to notice me, my skills, my work ethic, or my willingness to do just about any job.

I'll scrub toilets if it means I'm getting paid.

Bills are constantly on my mind, and pressing on my wallet. Student loans start next month, and Alex's have already begun their repayment period.

No one ever said it was going to be this tough. I mean, sure, I expected it would be tougher than living at home, or at college. I don't mean to whine that no one warned me, that I am not being held by the hand anymore, but I feel like some sort of preparation would have been better for me, would have better prepared me for what was to come.

I think this is about where a psychologist would suggest depression, and potentially mania. And maybe they would be right about all of this. But perhaps they would also be able to recommend for me some kind of solution to these issues. I already know I have to keep my chin up, that I have to continue to apply for jobs until I finally get one, so that I can help pay the bills, get ourselves out of debt, and save for a honeymoon and/or new house.

No my tax refund will not save me this year. I don't know how taxes are going to turn out actually. And if I only get a small amount back, then that is still an amount that is able to be put towards something else. If I owe (which I doubt but who can ever tell) will be harder on us than I think I can stand right now.

And sure, the job market will pick up as spring comes on, but I can't wait that long for a means of employment, and the fact that no one is hiring at the moment only makes it harder.

I let my husband take my car to and from work to save gas, and since I don't typically have anywhere to go during the day since I am without a job, then I end up staying at home, and hoping to achieve some minor cleaning task or fill out a measly application.

I'm going nowhere and I know it, but its not like I don't want to go places. I just don't know how to move along at this point. The rut changed into a groove that is close now to being a dried up river valley.

I feel out of it. Discouraged. Disengaged. Disillusioned. Disenchanted.

Dis dis dis.

I think it's time for bed.

Nite.

#34--The Dullness is Overbearing

So it's been awhile. I know that.

I'm in the third book of the Twilight series. It is entertaining, and I still can't make up my mind about it.

You either love it or you hate it, but I seem to want to do both simultaneously. But because of the reactions people have, either loving it to death or hating it with equal passion, I feel that any person who regards it in both ways is, uncommon (to say the least).

Otherwise, things are dull a lot.

Last night I baked a cake. It is not as delicious as I thought it would be, but I'm going to eat it anyway. It was slightly overcooked, but I'm blaming it on my oven, which cooks hotter than it thinks it does.

There is lots of snow again, right when most of it had melted away. The guys are out shoveling the walks, some of them are using tillers to clear the sidewalks a little better for the guys with the shovels who come along behind.

Two months to the date that I walked out and I'm stressing, but I can't let it get to me too much. I am hoping the thing I really want pulls through, and soon. Not having a paycheck is killer, and may lead to bigger problems than one can legitimately anticipate.

However, there are bigger fish to fry in other areas of life, and I am hoping that I am not the only one to make the right decisions. I know the difficulties brought on by certain situations and connections with people and I know they can suck a lot, but sometimes that is required for the overall bettering of oneself.

*sigh*

Life goes on.

I will one day have a novel. And it will be published and it will be awesome. And then I'll tour with the book and for signings, and then from there I will travel around to colleges and high schools and writing groups and give little speeches and someday have enough money to go on the European honeymoon with my husband that we never got to take. And then I'll pay off my debt, and buy a house and have a baby. Then I'll publish lots of other novels and help my husband open his business.

So much to do, so little time.

But I'll make it.

We all will.

#33--Chili at Twilight

This Sunday, we're hosting a chili cook-off at my apartment. We don't have categories, other than we're making chili for the general eating and enjoyment by ourselves and our friends. We're hoping that everyone will be able to make it (lots of snow fell yesterday, so it's a tad slippery outside).

Other than that, I've started re-reading the Twilight series.

It is a group of books that are not only extremely popular, but that also seem to be highly scrutinized by those that do not love them to pieces. I have to admit that I am guilty of judging it for what it does to vampire culture set up by Bram Stoker and others before him, including the actual legends and stories from multiple cultures across the world.

Let me be clear. Stephenie Meyer found a niche in literature that was otherwise unobserved--shiny, dazzling vampires. She has written four novels dealing with the same characters that are based around these vampires with diamond skin. As a traditionalist and having a deep love for the traditional (and quite scary) vampire, I feel that how she has portrayed vampires in her novels is a bit of a disgrace to those fearsome creatures that most people know (and tend to write off, though they wouldn't have been writing it off hundreds of years ago).

Not only that, but some of the writing is just plain bad. In the first book, there is a scene where Bella is in the kitchen, talking about "dust moats." The definition of "moat" is a body of water surrounding some structure, generally a house or castle. The term that should have been used is "dust motes." I realize this may not be a mistake on Meyer's part, but if the editor is to blame, then a big-time editor should have caught the mistake in the first, third, or seventh reading before it went to printing.

On another note, the characters and their emotions seem to be well written, even though Bella can tend to be whiney and stubborn, and Edward can be kind of a tool--but people are that way in real life as well, so I suppose it's forgivable. The storyline itself is compelling, but quickly-paced. I, as a reader, feel that it is highly demanding. I sweat with everyone in the story as they rush along to catch the evil vampire, to save Bella, and so forth.

I also feel that the writing gets better the farther into the series one goes, and the mistakes become fewer and fewer. I do not mean for this to be a scathing review of Meyer or her writing, I merely want to point out that I am personally torn on how to feel about her writing. Her books are fascinatingly irresistible (and believe me, I never thought I would say that, ever) and compelling. I simply cannot stay away from her books. I have the Twilight series and The Host all in hardback, though I have not yet begun reading The Host.

Something else about Stephenie Meyer--she's young, in her thirties--and she has achieved something miraculous for herself. It is SO inspiring for someone to achieve something they set themselves to. And perhaps it was never her initial intention to write and publish five novels successfully, but she did.

I feel that it is very important to accomplish one's dreams. And seeing it happen, every year, every day, gives me hope and fuels me to reach for the things that I want to accomplish--like publishing my own novels.

Additionally, I have been working on Morph, though it is slow going. Especially since I've picked up the Twilight series again.

In any case, I have to go walk the dogs now, in the blistering cold outside. No fun.

#32--Story Installments & Ideas

Life is so many things at once, sometimes its hard to believe that anything can be achieved at all.

Today my life included walking the dogs, politics, shopping, driving, visiting friends, ghost hunters international (there are better ghost shows), doomsday speakers, love, responsibility, maintenance requests, writing, brainstorming, discussions about anything and everything.

These are not necessarily in order. And no I will not reorganize them for you. So ha.

I wrote some on my story about Angela on my conjoined blog. If you look on the right --> there should be a link to "view my complete profile." If you click it, you can see a list of My Blogs, and there you will pick "S.L.Caro" and you will be able to see the latest entry on the story, Part VII. I hope to have more again soon, so I'm thinking, this week. I'm already at ten thousand words for this story, unedited, which is awesome, and somewhat easier than I anticipated.

Thus, I feel that NaNo this year would be much easier than I expect, and my goal is to finish Angela's story this month, and perhaps to start a new story next month, or to go back through Angela's story and make a few tweaks here and there, fix grammatical errors and run spell check. Because of course, no first draft is ever perfect, even though I like to give myself a lot of credit. I feel it is well-written, yes, but not finished. And far from perfect.

As for the story goal... I believe a vote is in order.

1. Should I start a new story in February (or as soon as I finish Angela's story), or should I go back through Angela's story and clean it up?

2. Which story should I work on in the future, immediately following Angela's story?
  -Dr. Jack Price and his adventures,
  -Tattoo/social/kinda sci fi story,
  -The vampire story,
  -The Rumplestiltskin/Morph story (which is a current longhand project),
  -or something else?

It seems that maybe the most logical choice of story to work on would be the Rumplestiltskin/Morph story, since I am already working on that, but it never hurts to have a challenge I suppose. I love working on that story and it feels really exclusive, probably because I am writing it in longhand and in a blank journal. Only Gracie has read the first bit, and Alex will read it once I have more than five pages of material. That is, five pages at 5x8". Pardon me, twelve pages.

I feel good about that story. Maybe I'll work on Morph and Angela at the same time, and then launch into heavy research for Jack Price. I have *got* to learn more about Australia and various other things before I can write him and feel good about what I'm writing as I write it.

On that note, since I've been away from Angela's story for so long, I've been having to go back and re-read bits to make sure that I'm not having her wear shoes if she doesn't have any shoes to wear (but she had them, so I was fine there). I recently read a book where a woman got out of the car, got lost in her thoughts about where she was, and then got out of the car again, without having moved or returned to the interior of the car. I really did go back and make sure it was an error before I told anyone about it, and I chuckled on the inaccuracy of the editor/writer. I don't remember the name of the book or I'd mention it here.

Either way, I think this is enough contemplation for now. Be sure to check out the latest installment of Angela's story on my other blog page. :D

#31--Simplicity

Today was kind of boring, sitting at home.

I got to talk with my girl Kristen today about her wedding and we sent links to pictures back and forth. She showed me a really awesome floor-length dress and I am just dying to try on, and I sent her a link to a pair of screaming yellow shoes. It was fun :D

On another note, I made a decision about the job dilemma, but that doesn't make me feel any better about the day. :/ Really, I'm just tired of the whole situation. And I don't want to work for minimum wage. blegh.

I'm tired. This is all for now. Its been too much of an eventful/eventless day.

#30--A New Year, A New Story Concept

Happy New Year!

It had a rough start Friday night, due to someone being a drama queen, lol. And no, I do not mean myself.

Ha.

But I'm not dwelling on the fact that it was a crazy night, as New Year's Eve often is. Saturday was totally fun, got to hang with my girl, Ashley that I haven't seen in forever, and that was a blast. Then, saw some friends from F21, which was also very nice. Spent the evening relaxing and went to bed early.

Sunday I had the great pleasure of going to our cousin's house with my husband, and the four of us lunched, played games, and watched a little Big Bang Theory, followed by an episode of How I Met Your Mother.

Today I had two interviews. The first went very well, and I got all pumped up for the second one, which didn't seem to go as well as I would have liked for it too. There are pros and cons to both of them, but I'm *really* leaning towards the first one. As in, I am calling the first interview place tomorrow at noon to learn their decision and to tell them mine. I'm really hoping that they will coincide.

In the meantime I am in the mood to do multiple things: finish putting away the clean laundry, vacuuming, rearranging the bedroom and the downstairs, cooking dinner, writing, getting involved again in the political things I was involved in a few weeks ago. That means twitter. I also need to start working out again since that is my New Year's Resolution (and to also stop saying "that's what she said" jokes).

Later, being tomorrow or some other time this week, I need to go shopping for new professional clothes. I've pretty much exhausted my current collection which is very small. Eeep! And if I'm going to be flying to New York for training for this job that I want, then I'm going to have to look goooooood.

The only thing with this is the exams I have to take are kind of expensive, but I suppose we'll find a way to get through that. I really feel this is a good choice. I'm sad that the other wasn't what I expected. And maybe I still need to think about this a little before I go jumping into something I'm not ready for. Then again, what's life without a little risk? What is learning without a bit of a gamble?

And I feel like I'll be working with some really fantastic people. Not that fantastic people don't exist elsewhere, just that I'm impressed with what I've seen so far on side A.

Another one of those things that I really want to work on is writing (and I have been, I swear! Every day!)

Remember when I said that I was going to work on a story but not online? Yeah, I'm working on that one, previously entitled "Morph." I may or may not keep that title. It has to be a title that really sticks out and grabs for attention, so that people will want to read it.

Another idea I want to pursue in writing is an old one that I have not as of yet started researching for. Last night we watched a documentary on tattoos, and I was reminded of my story and got some fresh ideas for it. That may well be a project for 2011. However, I do want to finish Morph this year. And I really think I could do it, especially with NaNo in November. Shoot, I might even pick up my tattoo story for NaNo, and give myself something fresh to work on for the month. So really, I'm giving myself until the end of October to finish Morph (because really, nothing is going to get done in December).

I suppose this is about all for now, since I really feel like taking up those things I was talking about earlier. Ciao!