Saturday, June 30, 2012

#68--Sleeping Past Dawn

Yesterday I did some writing and finally made my music files MUCH easier to navigate on my computer. Now I don't have to worry about creating files as I upload discs and downloads from the internet. As for the writing, I started over on a story. I was about five pages in (single-spaced for my English friends) when I started anew. Same character names, different events. And then, ultimately, new characters.

Well anyway, I was thinking about my story progress and how to make the concept original when I was struck with some new ideas. I haven't sat down to work them into the story yet (since I'm here typing this) but I think they will result in some interesting paths. The only trouble is, I have until tomorrow, probably in the afternoon, to "finish" that story and one other.

So I suppose I should stop being vague about it--the first story is an apocalypse tale, and the second is about monsters. I can't say much about the monster story as I haven't started that one yet. I should also probably mention that each story should be no longer than 10 pages. This is a prompt given by Alex, and he didn't specify whether it had to be a complete story arc or not, but I'm assuming it does so I should really get off here and get working on it.

I should also mention that I didn't even wake up until 12:30 today, and didn't get out of bed until an hour later. It was kind of nice, but I'm still a bit drowsy (the consequences of sleeping for too long). Otherwise, I am feeling fine.

ALSO: I have about 400 vinyl records for sale, mostly 80s rock. If you're interested, please send me a message or somehow otherwise indicate your interest.

And now I'm off to work on story writing.


Monday, June 25, 2012

#67--Today I _____________

Today was a full day. Started with a lengthy post about who knows what really. I reread it and it makes sense to me anyway, and it is just as impacting as it was earlier when I wrote it. I suppose that is nice. That is something that I love about words and their construction. If you do it right, they never lose their power. Really, they never lose their power anyway, but still, I think you get my meaning here. I had some things today I meant to do that didn't get finished. For instance, I washed and dried laundry but I didn't get it put away. So the mess that was in my room that I cleaned up is back, as if it never moved, except it did, to get washed and then to get all dumped back on the floor again.

I made a couple trips to the store, once for baking soda and again for vegetables. I suppose those are good things to buy. I said to myself that I would make cream puffs today but I didn't. Instead I made oatmeal-choco-chip cookies for the hubby. I DO intend to make those damn cream puffs this week--or I won't ever make them. The only problem with this is it is supposed to be over 100 outside all week, and that means it will suck to be standing over a hot stove. However, cream puffs are the kind of treat that are nice to have around in the summer when it is hot, so I'm hoping for a stellar win on this one so that my intense heat cooking time will be totally worth it. Except I'm not sure it will be because I've never made them before. Which is good. I guess. It is good to experiment in the kitchen as long as you don't get too crazy with it and end up throwing out more food than you can actually tolerate to eat.

I'm sure you don't really want a piece-by-piece reconstruction of my day. If you did, it would only be because I'm a celebrity and everyone wants to know every little detail about THEM. Why is that? Only "important" people are paid attention to.. Isn't everyone important? I must be off my rocker today because I'm asking some funny questions (see previous post).

I'd like to go ahead and apologize right now to anyone who attempts to read through all of these posts. If you are a regular (Jason) then I thank you for taking the time to read these and being interested in what I have to say. At the same time, I shouldn't have to apologize for the length of my posts because if you've stuck around this long then obviously you're interested in what I have to say and that's not only cool, but not apologizing is totally fine. I mean, it's all legit right? Oh, it is late and I'm not sure I'm making any sense. Anyway, I felt compelled to write on here again today and so I did. So there.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

#66--Abnormally Normal and Vice Versa

"What I mean to say is,"

"What I've been trying to tell you..."

"Well, frankly, I just can't find the words."

"When was my last attempt? I'm not sure."

"It's been awhile, I can tell you that..."


"No, no one has looked after me in a long time. Should they have?"

"Who would care enough?"

[lengthy pause; playing with a napkin on the counter]


[quick sigh; leans forward to prop head in hand]

"Well, I don't know."

"When you figure it out you should let me know."

"No, I'm not trying to be sarcastic, I just mean if you hear anythin--"



"Yeah, I'm okay with it...If I wasn't I'd have told you."

"I'm sighing because I'm tired."



"Thanks again. Let me know how it goes."

"Yeah. Bye."

[drops phone onto counter. leaning on hands, pushes back from counter and walks away.]

A one-sided phone conversation and of course no one knows. No one knows what the point is, not even me and I wrote the darn thing. I'm sure there is some sort of meaning if someone dissected it and presented their theory to me. I might then find something enlightening about this work. Yet I don't want to know either. And sometimes I think it is this sentiment that prevents people from giving a damn about what it is that they do in life, or the people they come across each day, or the task that they've been entrusted with. For here we see a lack of compassion, or maybe too much--which is the problem in itself, don't you think? That leaves us in a sticky situation. We're unable to sympathize/empathize with others, and more significantly we don't want to. But when we do--Oh! when we do--that is when we really fall. We cannot contain ourselves. Our passion for caring for others bursts forth into the world, where it overwhelms everyone and makes the passionate man a lunatic (at least according to everyone else). And here we find frustration with the world, with those that label us, and with ourselves for being so overly passionate and caring and mindful and considerate of others that when we are treated unfairly or poorly we cannot stand it, and we often resort to anger and violence, purely out of frustration regarding our own emotions. Where does that leave us? Misunderstood? Certainly. Uncertain of ourselves, and our passion, and if it is even worth the trouble. Is it? I don't know. I can't answer that. But I will tell you that sometimes, which is more frequent now than before, I don't want to be compassionate. I don't want to be emotionally strung out over other people. I don't want to be the one they come to when their lives fall apart. I want to be that person that is....(I can't find the words to finish this sentence). Maybe that's because I don't know who I want to be. Maybe it is because as people we are always in flux, even if we refuse to acknowledge it. There it is! I'm just nervous because I change all the time. Right, it shouldn't be that easy for me to diagnose myself and my psyche all at once like that. But I am scared. I am nervous. Will this new "me" be worth it? Will I like it? I'm sure I will, otherwise I wouldn't morph into that person. But my past self--does it haunt me? I don't think it does, but I could be wrong there too. I should say "selves" because there are more than one historic versions of me. Identity, like a river, is never solid. Even if the colds of winter freeze the surface, the water moves and the life thrives beneath. For a river there is no death. Here lies immortality, for ever and ever, always in flux, never constant except in its constant change. And so in this way of growing and molting and shedding and bursting forth from my own cocoon, I could in time, achieve immortality. Whew.

*Letting that digest for a moment*

So then, in the plot of life, I don't suppose I have to care, or change, or morph, or be passionate about others and things. But if i didn't, and if I weren't, then what kind of anyone would I be? A simple human drone? People say that, "human drone," but that's impossible. We were given the ability (by someone/something...I'm not pointing any fingers here) to think for ourselves, to make choices, to see and understand death, etc. We can never be drones as long as we possess these abilities. Yet they are neglected, malnourished, ignored. And what then? Does that make a person a drone? No. I don't believe it does. They just likely haven't been taught or haven't discovered that they have these abilities, their own super powers. Not everyone will use them for good, and that is already true and I understand that. But I also know how easy it is to feel completely justified in an action while no one else understands you. That is a tricky slope in itself because then you feel alone and unable to speak about that which you would most like to share. So you do and you get confused looks, or snickers, or your friends stop talking to you. And then you wonder about yourself and you wonder about your friends and the types of people you keep around and are they worth it and here you are, back at square one.

I feel like I have tons more to say about this but in all honesty, I'm hungry and I'm going to end it here or nothing else will be accomplished today except the depraved ramblings of myself. Hooray.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

#65--The Places You Used to Know

All gung-ho to start, but not sure what to start with. I know I have cleaning to do, and playlists to make and papers to sort through. But I don't want to do any of those. Who knew Pinterest & Tumblr could be so useful for idea sprouting and for designing characters? Sometimes I think about how each character I make is a little part of me. And after each story is written, each plot arc is fulfilled I wonder which parts of me have made it to the page. Are these things I want to happen? Things I'm afraid of? Do I openly subject others around me to the same violent emotions that I write on the page? If I write only the morbid, dark, and grim, am I destined for misery? Am I unable to be happy? I don't think that these sorts of examinations of writing are ones that should be taken on alone, not to mention late at night and right before bed. These considerations lead to bad dreams and worse waking.

I am not imprisoned here, by my words. At least, I don't think I am. I could be subject to the Stockholm Syndrome, but I'm not sure that these bits of sound, these utterances, these twisting phrases and these spilled bowls of alphabet soup--that they are indeed restricting. Certainly there is more that I want to say that I struggle to find words for, and thus I am in a sense imprisoned. As long as I continue, the words will finally come, and even if they are not 100% what I want, they are always adequate at least, for their understanding by others. And I don't care if the grammar falls apart, that overlying structure that is supposed to be a rule system but that is more like guidelines for sounding credible and like you have half a brain...

But here I am rambling. I'm avoiding the issue. An issue that is impossible to grasp--so slippery that I cannot even in full confidence guarantee that it is an issue at all. Am I silly? Am I paranoid? Over analyzing? No matter. I've been here before. Well, it isn't quite the same spot exactly, but the foliage is familiar. I can see old trees I've passed by before, not too far from where I am now. Do I regret having come around this way again? Probably not. After all, there must be something to be gained from this area if the resources are plentiful enough that I should return, consciously or not.

I find these images on Pinterest & Tumblr and I think that maybe I'm not projecting my true self via a physical outlet. And sure my physical and mental states don't have to be identical, but is it obvious to others? Does it need to be? Again I'm stuck figuring myself out, or trying to. But none of that is important. I already know that my whole life will consist of me trying to figure myself out. Which is, what it's all about basically.

Except not today. Today I don't know what it's about. Have I changed again? Perhaps that is what it is--an internal shift that I have yet to fully recognize and acknowledge. Here I am again, analyzing myself. Perhaps it isn't the change itself that is significant but the source of the change, or the parts that are different from what they were. Perhaps also it does not have to do with a change of existing parts, but an addition or subtraction of parts. Of course, this only makes it more confusing for me.

In the end...well, I cannot come to a conclusion yet. Maybe it is not an overnight change but something that will take a bit. Which is okay. I'm not going to rush it and come out with a half-finished product. I must be thorough. It is interesting though, that I should be conscious of a change now when previous changes I've gone through have been much less obvious to me until after the fact, and even then they usually have to be pointed out by others. But maybe this is part of the change itself. Becoming aware.

Does this even make sense anymore? Is this a clear thought progression? Maybe not. Regardless, I feel better for having written it out. Until more is discovered--

Sunday, June 10, 2012

#64--What now?

Reading, writing, Netflix watching;
Washing, sorting, drying, folding;
Napping, dozing, waking, sleeping;
Eating, snacking, lethargic laying;
Walking, bouncing, going crazy;
Gaming, skulking, eyelid gazing;
Posting, sharing, facebook liking;

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Throwing; chasing, puppy playing;
Stewing, brewing, but not cooking;
Washing, cleaning; am I breathing?

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Two more months of this, by the way. Months more of not going, not doing, not paying, not playing, not saving, not progressing. Only fermenting and rotting away in a shell of a place that I long to be free of...Yet others stay and are satisfied and here I am caught between a rock and a stone and a ledge and a hard place, and I must be upside down, inside out, backwards--I don't know which way to move. I cannot move, it seems, at all. Nothing new, nothing old, nothing helpful, nothing sold. Desperation is a cancer that wards off all others and keeps the little man down. And here I am, in the midst of summer with no tan, no release, and no escape. What a challenge. What a waste.

Friday, June 8, 2012


You know what? Here's my American Dream. I put it on this platter for all to see and criticize. And I take that criticism and I apply it when necessary. But I am tired of you shitting on my dream. If this is how you see me and my efforts then screw you. You want to push your citizens to do well and to have an education and this and that and here you prevent them from accomplishing that goal. You're just a hypocritical bastard, giving a command which we bust our ass to complete, and then you just shrug when we need assistance from you. Screw you. You can have my American Dream. I don't need it anymore.

Thursday, June 7, 2012


Before I jump in, just let me point out that the title of this post is pretty random, as I'll be discussing multiple things.

First, I'd like to say that I've recently been accepted to a journal for publication! Woo! My poem "Blueberry Muffins" will be in the Fall edition of Quivira this year. SO excited.

Otherwise, I've been doing a lot more reading, though it still isn't as much as I'd like it to be. I suppose I should allot days for reading and others for writing. Maybe I could also effectively find a way to split the days between reading, writing, and organizing the house. We'll see.

Recently I finished Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, which will require re-reads since it is a text I'm studying for my thesis. I am currently reading Dr. Moledinky's Castle (a young adult novel), Swim, and I have yet to begin on The Island of Dr. Moreau (which will likely also be for my thesis).

Yesterday I wrote about Ray Bradbury's death and I may or may not have mentioned how I was looking for a copy of The Illustrated Man. However, I totally have a copy in a three-work anthology of Bradbury's, which we recently purchased at Barnes & Noble. Also included are The Martian Chronicles and The Golden Apples of the Sun. You can't know how excited I am that I have a copy of TIM, since it seems like it would be extremely helpful for my thesis.

And since I'm writing a creative thesis, I'll have to have short stories to go along with the research I do. It looks like I've got some good amounts of reading ahead of me, so I shall make the rest of this brief.

I am also currently reading Jenny Lawson's Let's Pretend This Never Happened. If you haven't heard of it or read it  yet, you need to. It is funny and serious and astounding and entirely relate-able. It is definitely a book that opens your eyes to a different kind of world. Now that I mention this book, I should probably find it and finish the darn thing. If I remember correctly, I am pretty near the end.

In any case, I'm off to indulge in thesis readings! Ciao!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

#61--Ray Bradbury, Icon

Today it was all over the news that Mr. Ray Bradbury had died. I am quite sad that he has passed, and he will be missed. Yet he will live on and continue to inspire and influence others through his writings, as well as his work on tv shows, tv films & more.

I am sad that I did not get to meet him before his passing. Of course, everyone wants to get to meet a celebrity, usually just to hold it over the heads of everyone else that didn't get to. However, all I would want to do is talk about stories and projects and character design.

I think a lot of celebrities assume that all we want is a shot at money and fame when we oogle them, but really all I'm after is intelligent and enthusiastic conversation. We could talk about bumblebees for all I care, as long as I get the chance to talk to those people that inspire me to do good work--the work I want to do with my life. Because really truly, there is no point in doing anything that you dislike.

The beginning of my list of people I-would-like-to-meet-maybe-for-lunch-or-something:
Betty White
Tim Burton
Johnny Depp
Emma Thompson
Will Ferrell
Jim Dale
Tanith Lee
Chelsea Quinn Yarbro
Jenny Lawson
Elizabeth Kostova
Gregory Maguire
Kenneth Branagh
Dame Maggie Smith

Unfortunately, the majority of my favorite authors are already dead, having been deceased long before my grandparents were even twinkles in their parents' eyes. This list may also be revised later, when I remember someone that I cannot now think to add. Either way, it would be lovely to meet with these folks at some point, before the cruel grip of death takes us all away. 


Does anyone read this blog?

Who cares, right? There are too many people in the world for only one person to make a difference. Right?

Don't take this the wrong way--it is only an observation. I'm not going to off myself or anything. I'm too chicken for that.

But really, it doesn't matter what I say here because I think only one or two people read this on a regular basis. I could say something crazy like "I got a tattoo on my left butt cheek of Obama's face," and I bet no one I know would say anything to me about it. Now the question is, did I really do that?

There are a lot of things you can do if you think no one is watching. It goes back to that question: If a tree falls in a forest, does it still make a sound? I probably got that wrong. I feel like I left out a crucial detail. It's like crying in the rain--no one can tell if its raindrops or tears on your face and no one asks about your face being all red and poofy because the rain makes for dim lighting, and even if you were asked about your face you could always blame it on allergies or pink eye. And then no one asks you any more questions and you are free to continue crying in the rain, probably alone.

Since I have no audience it doesn't matter how I end this post either, so really I could do it like this

Monday, June 4, 2012


Who isn't stressed?

But honestly, stress sucks. And I've had more than enough lately. I was grumpy today for no real reason that I could think of. I was okay with the sprinkly rain and with moving at a more relaxed pace, but I suppose the latter just wasn't in the cards. I'm tired. Tired of so many things and just wanting other issues to be solved. It can all be overcome, it is just a process of getting to that point that is nerve-wracking and stress-inducing and I can't shake the glumness that is put on me as a result. I think today was just destined to be that day.

It didn't help that I relieve stress sometimes via a game on my phone (Jewels, or Bejeweled, or whatever it is called) which was dead practically all weekend. Oh well. Now I've got it charging again and that's all that matters really. I should really find other ways to relieve stress than relying on an electronic game. I should also find a different method for time keeping. Or I suppose I could give that up entirely. Well, maybe not all the way. Maybe I could just care less about what time it is as long as I am moving forward and making progress on my goals that I have. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.

For now, I am too tired to continue to write anything else that is either relevant or coherent so I'm done for now. And no, I won't be reading Frankenstein before bed as I'm too tired and too preoccupied to really focus on the language. I love you Mary Shelley, but dang girl. You gotta let up on your reader sometimes.

Until the next blip--

Saturday, June 2, 2012

#58--Six Months Later

So as it turns out, I never update this thing, and friends like Jason get upset because I haven't been posting all semester. For this I apologize sincerely. Spring was a very busy time for me, what with graduate school and all. I met new people, learned to leave things in the past, and generally speaking had a good spring semester. I did great in my classes and my classes that I taught did pretty well too. Most recently, I have attended graduation and celebrated with friends, congratulated others on jobs they've accepted, and mainly been working on various projects I have for myself this summer.

I have been intending to work on my thesis over this summer, and I suppose you can say I've been making progress as far as that goes. I've been reading Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, which is the main literature I'm focusing on for my thesis. I have learned that I shouldn't read it before I sleep, not because it is scary (which it isn't, exactly) but because I end up having really WEIRD dreams afterwards. I am mostly done with it now even though I'll end up re-reading it several times. This particular story is also a prime example of (again) how movies and different interpretations of a piece of work cannot be trusted. People might say that books aren't important, but without them, no one would know the full story as it was originally written.

I've dyed my hair a couple of times this year to attempt a darker hair color overall. I like the darker colors, but it fades more quickly than I'd like for it to. (Random)

I realize that I don't care about my transitions as I write this post and I guess that's okay. Because really, who needs transitions in informal writing anyway? I think I am just tired of writing infrequently on this thing, and then ending up writing summaries of my life for the last several months or year. I think this summer will be difficult since I'm broke, but it does allow a lot of opportunity and time to work on those things that I want to achieve.

So I mentioned my thesis already but I didn't give the topic and that's okay too because I'm slightly paranoid about people stealing my ideas. Having influences is one thing, but I'd rather not set myself up for a hassle later if I can avoid it. I'd rather keep some of these awesome ideas to myself so that I might actually craft them into the gloriousness that I know I can make them. And this tells me that "gloriousness" is spelled incorrectly, but what does blogspot know? It even says that blogspot is incorrect. Whatever.

Another project I have is more along the creative lines, and that's going to stay on the down-low until I have more to present. Not only that but I'd like to emphasize my slight paranoia at this point. I suppose though that it isn't so much me worrying about my ideas being used by others as having too much initial feedback and people's opinions interfering with what I'm trying to do. I understand that I am not the Almighty Writer, but I can pretend at least until I'm done and thus not have to worry about what other people think.

I had intended to go through all of my music files and organize them, which I successfully accomplished this week! Hooray completed goals! Now I just have to put everything back into iTunes and then double check my files with the cds that I have to make sure I didn't miss anything. After that I'll be able to update my iPad with new songs and I won't have to listen to the same old music anytime Alex & I decide to go anywhere. I already know that I lost my Supertramp files that were on my computer, but I still have the disc so that will be the first thing that I re-save to my computer, whenever I get around to putting all those cds worth of music on... which will likely be next week at the earliest. I don't see myself getting to that before Tuesday.

Today though, Alex had the day off, and between numerous phone calls and visits to our house by the landlord, etc., it was a long day. However, we did get some down-time in the afternoon when all we did was sit and enjoy each other's we both played on our individual laptops. Alex stumbled and I played Sims on Facebook, because I'm ultra classy like that.

It was too bad though that it was cold and rainy today, because it would have been nice to go on a long walk with Alex and the dogs. Perhaps that will have to be another day. It doesn't help that the light bulb in our living room burned out and we have to use the table lamps (gasp! first-world problem) so that makes it pretty dark in the living room. Oh well. Not like it matters much.

Otherwise, the summer shall be interesting and promises lots of visits among friends and lots of time management opportunities in balancing social aspects and projects. (I also need to organize all my files from this last  year, including textbooks and supplies that I can use again next year). I am okay with striking this balance though, as it will be crucial to get into a sort of routine so that I can actually accomplish that which I have listed out for myself. Thesis and the other writing project (previously alluded to) are both large projects, and the filing project will take at least a day or two, depending on my level of sloth. However, I feel like I can accomplish quite a bit this summer... I just have to do it.

In any case, this week has been unexpectedly hectic yet fun, and I anticipate next week to be .... much calmer. I am hoping also to submit some work to various journals (which will require research unless anyone has any current ideas?) and contests. Publication is what it is all about.

On a final note for today, it is late and we're going to Buzz Beach Ball tomorrow with friends so we will have an early start. Ciao!