Wednesday, July 27, 2011

#52--Was It Worth It?

Maybe. I can't tell yet.

Lunch, which I thought was good. I felt the air was cleared. Or at least more clear than before.

Evening, which is tense. I don't know why. I can't even carry on a decent conversation. Talking goes both ways.

I can't decide if I'm ashamed or disgusted or upset or sad. But at what part?

I am a trusting person, and a forgiving person too. Does this mean that I have made the wrong choice? I saw/heard/read something recently that said something like "There is no *wrong* choice. Only another choice." I don't remember where that is from. It might be from the new Captain America movie. I'm not really sure.


Shooting An Elephant, George Orwell

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

#51--"Always A Reason To Smile"

My husband sent me this link, probably because I am often in need of staying on track and remembering that life isn't always all about work (though work does help). I read through the list and I found that all of these were helpful to me, and that some of them could be used in multiple different aspects of my life, or in regard to different goals that I have for myself.

The last week (or so) has been pretty rough around the edges, and there is not a whole lot that I can really do to change things. People have died, others were married, and still others made their first appearance into this world. But that's the process of life, really.

Moving away from that which could very quickly become quite depressing, I still have school on my mind and I am still quite excited for orientation and the upcoming term. I am diving into literature that I haven't read since high school. It is a grand adventure all over again. I should also probably do at least a glance-over of some of my textbooks from my undergraduate semesters, just to brush up before I jump headfirst into teaching and taking graduate classes. I have a strong feeling that I am going to be quite busy this semester.

And next year we are hoping to be able to go to Australia! I am not sure if I have previously mentioned this on my blog, but there it is. As of right now there are four of us who are really planning to go, though four or six more have been invited to join in our escapades. I am not sure if the other six will be able to go due to some scheduling. Right now it is looking like the best time to go is in August. I am very excited for this trip. Number one, it's AUSTRALIA. Number two is, culture! and I think Number three is the bit about how I'm writing a story/novel/series that takes place in Australia, and so having the experience of going there and seeing everything firsthand will really be a benefit to my writing (and this will be the first official trip someplace where I am also using what I will see and learn to directly fuel the setting for a piece of my work). This is not to say that I do not use my other experiences in building the setting for my written works, it just means that most of the settings I have to pull from are of the midwestern influence, with a chunk of London and a small splash of Canada. I am truly looking forward to the vast differences that Australia has to offer, but that plane ride! Whew!

Well I suppose that is about all for now. I have some DDR on PS2 to get back to. Yay home workouts!

Monday, July 11, 2011

#50--Dreams and Money; The Money of My Dreams

Each dream is a hidden desire, a passion within me that I do not actively recognize.
There is some sort of truth about them--they say things about me that I would not admit to be true,
or at least not to your face.

But dream I do, and dream I have,
And for all those things that I dream and deny,
I cannot pretend or cover them all.

I am lucky to remember that which I dream,
Just like I am lucky to dream at all.
And in my heart I know that they should lead me to some part of myself that is hidden.

And a million and one questions rise up out of the gloom of my subconscious,
And I find the questions are more numerous than my answers.

I feel that will always be the case.

Sometimes my wish is to dream, and I do not;
Other times I do not expect it and then I do.
It is quite hard coming back from those alternate realities that can seem almost better than the dawning of the day

But I have to remember that while I may be a different girl in my mind,
the one I am out here needs sustenance too,
And I cannot abandon her.

So the girl I dream of being, dream that I am,
she travels from my mind to my hand to the paper and lives;
She lives for so long that she is a legend, a myth--
A dream.

And so she comes full cycle,
taking pride in her effortless work
While I am breaking my back and my bank just to live,
Just to have food and shelter and a smile on my face.

The dreams that I dream and the girl within, they fade
into myth and legend and dream;
and I wonder if I will get to fulfill the same things as she.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

#49--Heat Rising

What can you say about the middle of summer other than that it is usually miserable?

I had a lovely Fourth, though it didn't quite compare to previous years (which is good, while at the same time disappointing). Though I have more mosquito bites for having lit all the fireworks at night.

I write in my blog because sometimes it makes me feel relieved to have things out in the open. Granted there aren't many grand secrets shared here, but this is not the place for sharing secrets. And besides, if I did share them, then they wouldn't be secret anymore would they? I write on this blog so that someone may remember me.

Because after everything else in life, the only thing anyone wants is to be remembered. No one wants to be left behind or forgotten. I feel that a lot of life is based on a person trying to make themselves memorable. While there is nothing wrong at all with being remembered, it can be a treacherous road with many opportunities to go astray, or to be remembered in a negative light. I have no advice here, to offer the general public reading this as to how one should remain on the right path. And honestly, with each consecutive post I add to my blog, I feel a little more preachy each time.

I suppose that is a character flaw I will have to work on.

In other news, I am working on a project for a couple friends of mine, and while I have not spent too much time on it thus far, I am finding as I go along that I need more information than I have, and tools also, which are not readily at my disposal. What I shall have to do is make some time to go to KC so that I may use my mother-in-law's tools, or otherwise just have a craft day. I am excited to continue to work on this project, and the finished result should be quite impressive.

I am also working on my story "Morph" (working title), which I may have mentioned before. After a long conversation with Carol, I felt the need to make some changes, and from there I wrote out the general plot outline that I want to follow. I have also been playing Dungeons & Dragons recently, and I feel that is a great exercise for character building, and allows you to really get into the characters head. It nearly forces you to react and behave as that character. And while all characters have a little bit of ourselves in them, they will be almost completely different from their creator (with some similarities of course, either in behavior and habit of speech, or some such detail). I am wondering how that would work out in a classroom setting: to have each student create a character using a D&D character sheet and the rules thereof. It could make for an interesting exercise or segment of the class indeed. As a result of the D&D playing, I feel that I should make character sheets for my starring roles in Morph, so that I may come to a better understanding of how the characters would behave or interact. I say that I will do this for the starring roles because making sheets for 40 some odd characters would be SO intense. I'm not sure if I could handle that. But perhaps my writing would be better for it.

I picked up Rock Band yesterday with Carol and we played for several hours, until we started doing poorly on the songs/ran out of songs to play, and so we finally called it a night. And yes, my fingertips are particularly tender today, so writing this blog post has proved to be quite the challenge. However, I have made it this far and I feel that I am going to be just fine.

I have so many projects I want to work on its ridiculous. I have enough to probably keep me busy for the next two years at least, and who knows what kinds of new ideas will continue to be generated in that time. This fall I begin grad school and teaching, and I've been reading a lot more lately (fiction, of course) but I also want to get into a good autobiography or other non-fiction. Outside of that I am wanting to brush up on some textbook reading (gasp if you will, I feel compelled). I want to design outfits and other articles of clothing and then sew them and wear them around and post pictures of my creations online. Fashion seems to be a newer interest of mine, and I was never especially fond of keeping up with trends or giving them any value at all until last summer when I started working at F21. I also want to finish painting the upstairs room, which means we will need to get more paint (which of course costs money, but what doesn't cost money lately?). I very much need to organize my roll-top desk (yes, roll-top desk: an antique in fact!) and set up my desktop computer and re-organize my filing cabinet. And I need to do laundry and clean up the walk-in closet and vacuum the whole house and plan a Harry Potter Movie-A-Thon. And on top of all these ambitions and things I'm going to be doing, there is NaNoWriMo in November to think about, and Sigma Tau Delta (which I will pick back up with the school year), and I also want to try to get involved with the community as well.

This is a lot on my plate I feel like, and I'm hoping I can achieve even a fraction of it. But if i keep confidence in myself and my wits about me, while also managing my time and money in a more economical fashion, then I am sure that I will be able to achieve ALL of these things.

And what I'm saying here is, if you have something you want to do, and you've never been able to do it, then set your mind to it. Research what you need to do to achieve your goal, and then go out there and grab it. Don't let yourself get to a point where you can never accomplish what you dreamed of. Make that bucket list, and then cross everything off as you complete the task.

We only have one life here on this Earth (for all we know) so we might as well make the best of it.