Friday, January 28, 2011


I feel disengaged from everything lately. I don't know if it is because I don't have a job and I'm having such trouble finding one, or if its for some other reason.

I'm not motivated to do things, like clean the house (which seems to be constantly dirty), to make dinner, and a lot of times, I'm not motivated to write. I feel like I really have to psych myself up before I can even *think* about writing, and then it takes forever for me to come to any kind of idea of what scene to write, or which story to write about, or what my characters are doing. And that's not quite the worst part of it: I feel, as I'm writing, like everything that I'm putting on the paper isn't making sense, or that it won't flow the way I want it to. I don't think this concern I have during writing is related directly to the act of writing itself, since I've never seemed to have a problem before, but that it is linked to the motivation issue I seem to be having.

Its hard to keep up confidence in yourself when you don't feel valued. Specifically, from employers. I honestly am so frustrated with the system its ridiculous. I don't *want* to apply for jobs. I'm starting to forget/not care what I even end up doing for a job, even if I end up miserable. I don't feel like this is any kind of resignation, just a lack of caring for my own jobless situation. It is repeated to me that I shouldn't give up; that I can't give up. This is all fine and good, but at this point, I don't know what to do to get an employer to notice me, my skills, my work ethic, or my willingness to do just about any job.

I'll scrub toilets if it means I'm getting paid.

Bills are constantly on my mind, and pressing on my wallet. Student loans start next month, and Alex's have already begun their repayment period.

No one ever said it was going to be this tough. I mean, sure, I expected it would be tougher than living at home, or at college. I don't mean to whine that no one warned me, that I am not being held by the hand anymore, but I feel like some sort of preparation would have been better for me, would have better prepared me for what was to come.

I think this is about where a psychologist would suggest depression, and potentially mania. And maybe they would be right about all of this. But perhaps they would also be able to recommend for me some kind of solution to these issues. I already know I have to keep my chin up, that I have to continue to apply for jobs until I finally get one, so that I can help pay the bills, get ourselves out of debt, and save for a honeymoon and/or new house.

No my tax refund will not save me this year. I don't know how taxes are going to turn out actually. And if I only get a small amount back, then that is still an amount that is able to be put towards something else. If I owe (which I doubt but who can ever tell) will be harder on us than I think I can stand right now.

And sure, the job market will pick up as spring comes on, but I can't wait that long for a means of employment, and the fact that no one is hiring at the moment only makes it harder.

I let my husband take my car to and from work to save gas, and since I don't typically have anywhere to go during the day since I am without a job, then I end up staying at home, and hoping to achieve some minor cleaning task or fill out a measly application.

I'm going nowhere and I know it, but its not like I don't want to go places. I just don't know how to move along at this point. The rut changed into a groove that is close now to being a dried up river valley.

I feel out of it. Discouraged. Disengaged. Disillusioned. Disenchanted.

Dis dis dis.

I think it's time for bed.


Thursday, January 20, 2011

#34--The Dullness is Overbearing

So it's been awhile. I know that.

I'm in the third book of the Twilight series. It is entertaining, and I still can't make up my mind about it.

You either love it or you hate it, but I seem to want to do both simultaneously. But because of the reactions people have, either loving it to death or hating it with equal passion, I feel that any person who regards it in both ways is, uncommon (to say the least).

Otherwise, things are dull a lot.

Last night I baked a cake. It is not as delicious as I thought it would be, but I'm going to eat it anyway. It was slightly overcooked, but I'm blaming it on my oven, which cooks hotter than it thinks it does.

There is lots of snow again, right when most of it had melted away. The guys are out shoveling the walks, some of them are using tillers to clear the sidewalks a little better for the guys with the shovels who come along behind.

Two months to the date that I walked out and I'm stressing, but I can't let it get to me too much. I am hoping the thing I really want pulls through, and soon. Not having a paycheck is killer, and may lead to bigger problems than one can legitimately anticipate.

However, there are bigger fish to fry in other areas of life, and I am hoping that I am not the only one to make the right decisions. I know the difficulties brought on by certain situations and connections with people and I know they can suck a lot, but sometimes that is required for the overall bettering of oneself.


Life goes on.

I will one day have a novel. And it will be published and it will be awesome. And then I'll tour with the book and for signings, and then from there I will travel around to colleges and high schools and writing groups and give little speeches and someday have enough money to go on the European honeymoon with my husband that we never got to take. And then I'll pay off my debt, and buy a house and have a baby. Then I'll publish lots of other novels and help my husband open his business.

So much to do, so little time.

But I'll make it.

We all will.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

#33--Chili at Twilight

This Sunday, we're hosting a chili cook-off at my apartment. We don't have categories, other than we're making chili for the general eating and enjoyment by ourselves and our friends. We're hoping that everyone will be able to make it (lots of snow fell yesterday, so it's a tad slippery outside).

Other than that, I've started re-reading the Twilight series.

It is a group of books that are not only extremely popular, but that also seem to be highly scrutinized by those that do not love them to pieces. I have to admit that I am guilty of judging it for what it does to vampire culture set up by Bram Stoker and others before him, including the actual legends and stories from multiple cultures across the world.

Let me be clear. Stephenie Meyer found a niche in literature that was otherwise unobserved--shiny, dazzling vampires. She has written four novels dealing with the same characters that are based around these vampires with diamond skin. As a traditionalist and having a deep love for the traditional (and quite scary) vampire, I feel that how she has portrayed vampires in her novels is a bit of a disgrace to those fearsome creatures that most people know (and tend to write off, though they wouldn't have been writing it off hundreds of years ago).

Not only that, but some of the writing is just plain bad. In the first book, there is a scene where Bella is in the kitchen, talking about "dust moats." The definition of "moat" is a body of water surrounding some structure, generally a house or castle. The term that should have been used is "dust motes." I realize this may not be a mistake on Meyer's part, but if the editor is to blame, then a big-time editor should have caught the mistake in the first, third, or seventh reading before it went to printing.

On another note, the characters and their emotions seem to be well written, even though Bella can tend to be whiney and stubborn, and Edward can be kind of a tool--but people are that way in real life as well, so I suppose it's forgivable. The storyline itself is compelling, but quickly-paced. I, as a reader, feel that it is highly demanding. I sweat with everyone in the story as they rush along to catch the evil vampire, to save Bella, and so forth.

I also feel that the writing gets better the farther into the series one goes, and the mistakes become fewer and fewer. I do not mean for this to be a scathing review of Meyer or her writing, I merely want to point out that I am personally torn on how to feel about her writing. Her books are fascinatingly irresistible (and believe me, I never thought I would say that, ever) and compelling. I simply cannot stay away from her books. I have the Twilight series and The Host all in hardback, though I have not yet begun reading The Host.

Something else about Stephenie Meyer--she's young, in her thirties--and she has achieved something miraculous for herself. It is SO inspiring for someone to achieve something they set themselves to. And perhaps it was never her initial intention to write and publish five novels successfully, but she did.

I feel that it is very important to accomplish one's dreams. And seeing it happen, every year, every day, gives me hope and fuels me to reach for the things that I want to accomplish--like publishing my own novels.

Additionally, I have been working on Morph, though it is slow going. Especially since I've picked up the Twilight series again.

In any case, I have to go walk the dogs now, in the blistering cold outside. No fun.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

#32--Story Installments & Ideas

Life is so many things at once, sometimes its hard to believe that anything can be achieved at all.

Today my life included walking the dogs, politics, shopping, driving, visiting friends, ghost hunters international (there are better ghost shows), doomsday speakers, love, responsibility, maintenance requests, writing, brainstorming, discussions about anything and everything.

These are not necessarily in order. And no I will not reorganize them for you. So ha.

I wrote some on my story about Angela on my conjoined blog. If you look on the right --> there should be a link to "view my complete profile." If you click it, you can see a list of My Blogs, and there you will pick "S.L.Caro" and you will be able to see the latest entry on the story, Part VII. I hope to have more again soon, so I'm thinking, this week. I'm already at ten thousand words for this story, unedited, which is awesome, and somewhat easier than I anticipated.

Thus, I feel that NaNo this year would be much easier than I expect, and my goal is to finish Angela's story this month, and perhaps to start a new story next month, or to go back through Angela's story and make a few tweaks here and there, fix grammatical errors and run spell check. Because of course, no first draft is ever perfect, even though I like to give myself a lot of credit. I feel it is well-written, yes, but not finished. And far from perfect.

As for the story goal... I believe a vote is in order.

1. Should I start a new story in February (or as soon as I finish Angela's story), or should I go back through Angela's story and clean it up?

2. Which story should I work on in the future, immediately following Angela's story?
  -Dr. Jack Price and his adventures,
  -Tattoo/social/kinda sci fi story,
  -The vampire story,
  -The Rumplestiltskin/Morph story (which is a current longhand project),
  -or something else?

It seems that maybe the most logical choice of story to work on would be the Rumplestiltskin/Morph story, since I am already working on that, but it never hurts to have a challenge I suppose. I love working on that story and it feels really exclusive, probably because I am writing it in longhand and in a blank journal. Only Gracie has read the first bit, and Alex will read it once I have more than five pages of material. That is, five pages at 5x8". Pardon me, twelve pages.

I feel good about that story. Maybe I'll work on Morph and Angela at the same time, and then launch into heavy research for Jack Price. I have *got* to learn more about Australia and various other things before I can write him and feel good about what I'm writing as I write it.

On that note, since I've been away from Angela's story for so long, I've been having to go back and re-read bits to make sure that I'm not having her wear shoes if she doesn't have any shoes to wear (but she had them, so I was fine there). I recently read a book where a woman got out of the car, got lost in her thoughts about where she was, and then got out of the car again, without having moved or returned to the interior of the car. I really did go back and make sure it was an error before I told anyone about it, and I chuckled on the inaccuracy of the editor/writer. I don't remember the name of the book or I'd mention it here.

Either way, I think this is enough contemplation for now. Be sure to check out the latest installment of Angela's story on my other blog page. :D

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


Today was kind of boring, sitting at home.

I got to talk with my girl Kristen today about her wedding and we sent links to pictures back and forth. She showed me a really awesome floor-length dress and I am just dying to try on, and I sent her a link to a pair of screaming yellow shoes. It was fun :D

On another note, I made a decision about the job dilemma, but that doesn't make me feel any better about the day. :/ Really, I'm just tired of the whole situation. And I don't want to work for minimum wage. blegh.

I'm tired. This is all for now. Its been too much of an eventful/eventless day.

Monday, January 3, 2011

#30--A New Year, A New Story Concept

Happy New Year!

It had a rough start Friday night, due to someone being a drama queen, lol. And no, I do not mean myself.


But I'm not dwelling on the fact that it was a crazy night, as New Year's Eve often is. Saturday was totally fun, got to hang with my girl, Ashley that I haven't seen in forever, and that was a blast. Then, saw some friends from F21, which was also very nice. Spent the evening relaxing and went to bed early.

Sunday I had the great pleasure of going to our cousin's house with my husband, and the four of us lunched, played games, and watched a little Big Bang Theory, followed by an episode of How I Met Your Mother.

Today I had two interviews. The first went very well, and I got all pumped up for the second one, which didn't seem to go as well as I would have liked for it too. There are pros and cons to both of them, but I'm *really* leaning towards the first one. As in, I am calling the first interview place tomorrow at noon to learn their decision and to tell them mine. I'm really hoping that they will coincide.

In the meantime I am in the mood to do multiple things: finish putting away the clean laundry, vacuuming, rearranging the bedroom and the downstairs, cooking dinner, writing, getting involved again in the political things I was involved in a few weeks ago. That means twitter. I also need to start working out again since that is my New Year's Resolution (and to also stop saying "that's what she said" jokes).

Later, being tomorrow or some other time this week, I need to go shopping for new professional clothes. I've pretty much exhausted my current collection which is very small. Eeep! And if I'm going to be flying to New York for training for this job that I want, then I'm going to have to look goooooood.

The only thing with this is the exams I have to take are kind of expensive, but I suppose we'll find a way to get through that. I really feel this is a good choice. I'm sad that the other wasn't what I expected. And maybe I still need to think about this a little before I go jumping into something I'm not ready for. Then again, what's life without a little risk? What is learning without a bit of a gamble?

And I feel like I'll be working with some really fantastic people. Not that fantastic people don't exist elsewhere, just that I'm impressed with what I've seen so far on side A.

Another one of those things that I really want to work on is writing (and I have been, I swear! Every day!)

Remember when I said that I was going to work on a story but not online? Yeah, I'm working on that one, previously entitled "Morph." I may or may not keep that title. It has to be a title that really sticks out and grabs for attention, so that people will want to read it.

Another idea I want to pursue in writing is an old one that I have not as of yet started researching for. Last night we watched a documentary on tattoos, and I was reminded of my story and got some fresh ideas for it. That may well be a project for 2011. However, I do want to finish Morph this year. And I really think I could do it, especially with NaNo in November. Shoot, I might even pick up my tattoo story for NaNo, and give myself something fresh to work on for the month. So really, I'm giving myself until the end of October to finish Morph (because really, nothing is going to get done in December).

I suppose this is about all for now, since I really feel like taking up those things I was talking about earlier. Ciao!