Saturday, July 28, 2012

#80--Sleep and Listlessness

When in doubt, take a nap.

Not really.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. I've never made that complaint before. Sure I've had nights where sleeping just wasn't working out for me, but not usually several nights in a row. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong. I was in bed for an hour and a half, trying not to toss and turn and wiggle. My head pounded, my ears popped, and my throat scratched. I was miserable. I fetched some water and a large dose of tylenol and went back to bed. I think it was another half hour before sleep finally came, and then it was frail and sporadic.

Alex says I need to wear myself out and go to bed at 10. I'm not sure if that would work. But something's gotta give because the fall semester fast approaches and I teach at 8 a.m. I've got to be ready and peppy for those students, even though I likely won't get that from them.

I'm just over halfway done reading Yanni In Words. I love it. I borrowed it from a friend but I've decided I'll have to get my own copy, so that I can reread it whenever I need a boost. I thought about writing a fan letter, but fan mail is cheesy and I'm not really sure what the likelihood would be of him actually reading it. LOOK AT ME: I am a writer that is avoiding writing because I assume that my work will never be read! What kind of life is that! I am so ashamed right now, of myself and that I could even THINK of limiting myself in that way. I'll write the letter. It will be the most gorgeous letter I've ever written. If it is read by the intended audience, fantastic. If not, at least I wrote it.

If other writers had said the same to themselves, nothing would ever have been accomplished. And yes, it is about recognition and, I suppose, a "public" that recognizes your name and your work and appreciates it. I don't like to call that fame, but maybe that's what it is.

I wonder where my passion went. As if it is gone from me. Hidden. I want it back. That is my greatest fear--that I have lost my passion to some black void. That it is irretrievable. I remember having such passion so regularly that I didn't know what to do with it. I applied it to everything. Then what? Where did it go? Now I only see it sometimes? I don't know. I want it back. Music was my passion, and love, and friendship, and dancing (mostly spinning in circles) in the sun. I threw myself into everything. Poetry. Cleaning the chicken coop. Standing up for myself and my sanity. Making my opinion known. What are these things but the result of passion? And of course, finding myself. And I realized that instead of embracing who I am, I reject it and am never happy with myself. Then I whine about my inability to change myself into that person (that unknown person) that I want to be. I want to be me, but I want others to see something different. I don't want them to see me.

Like this is about maintaining an image. I'm not sure what this is about. Me, being me, and my passion. Letting it rage. It needs out. I've kept it locked away and starved for so long that I've almost become blind to it. Why did I put it away? Whatever made me think that was a good idea?

Today is step one. Today I will find my passion and I'll stuff it full of the things that make my heart soar. I'll stuff it full of the things that make me crazy, the things that make people look askance at me, the things that make me roar with life so everyone else can hear.

If people call me passionate now, with my real passions locked away, then they will be blown away once I've got the real deal back in the game. They won't know how to respond. And then you'll see it in my writing too. Then what will they call me? It is a challenge I am willing to face and take head on.

Therefore, I will write the letter to Yanni. I will unlock my passion and feed it what it needs. I will make myself known.

I will.

Thursday, July 26, 2012


This post is all about Yanni and I don't care if you judge me.

I've been reading his... biography? memoir? (Yanni In Words) lately and I realize just why I look up to him so much. I suspected his strength of independence just from how my mother talked about him. He's a genius and a revolutionary and he set the pace for all those who followed him. And he never let anyone tell him he couldn't do something and he refused to get distracted from his life goal and he did everything he wanted to do.

And that's awesome.

And I'm going to see him live on the 14th, and I'm so excited. (I'm seriously screaming inside when I think about it. I get really giddy--hearing those familiar songs LIVE is going to rock my socks off!).

People look at me funny for liking Yanni and his music. I don't always understand why. Maybe they don't see what I see or hear what I hear. They haven't really connected with his music and his work.

Thank you Yanni, for inspiration as a child who knew virtually nothing of the world. Thank you Yanni, for continuing to inspire me to create my own work, to address and express my emotions, and to go after what I want to do, no matter what.

Here's to Yanni!

Saturday, July 21, 2012

#78--Sometimes When You Feel

Once in awhile I just get in a mood. I guess I'm always in a mood, but never the same one. Sometimes I'd like it to rain for days, steadily. Other days I want to live a life I can't have.

That isn't to say that I'm unhappy with the one I've got, just that I wonder what it is like to be in a different situation, to practice a different set of skills, to have different goals. I suppose then, that having different goals is one of my goals, and so perhaps I should work on that and implement it into my life. I am not saying that what I've got going on is mundane either, but perhaps expected. Yesterday I wanted attention, today I'm after spontaneity.

I've decided nothing ever happens in Kansas. At least, nothing anyone really wants to hear about. Maybe that is the situation for a majority of the Midwest in general... But I can't say for sure. I've only ever lived in Kansas and visited those other places briefly. I think it is those brief ventures outside of the expectedness that makes me want to leave, to be different.

People are too focused on being different from others. People are too content with being the same as everyone else. How is this important? I'm back to yesterday's discussion of individuality versus group. Is that it? We view the 1% as individuals and the 99% as a group? Therefore we can never come out on top, can never regain what we've lost. But what did we lose exactly? Our courage? Our self-esteem and self-worth? Our ability to grow spines?

Love others and be true to thyself. <-- That's the best I've got. This is something we should all strive for. If we did these things, and only these things, the world would improve. But it isn't something only a few can do and expect profound results--it has to be a group/collective effort on the part of all. But then we become too focused on the differences between people, and their beliefs and their practices and their points of view, and we fight again, we belittle, and we watch at the other team kills itself and we smile smugly in satisfaction at their pain and lessened numbers and we think we are great, when the only thing we've really done is succumbed to evil and hatred.

So what, that person is a homosexual, and someone else isn't sexual at all, and one person has a penis and another one has a vagina. So what? Who cares? These are the ways in which we define ourselves and we allow others to define us. Then there's the whole... I'm this, this this, this, and HUMAN campaign, which is great but it is still a label. I'm alive, and I deserve to be treated fairly and with love. I treat you fairly and with love, unless you say something against me personally (like, that I'm an evil tyrannical bitch when I'm not) in which case I'll be upset and I'd like to talk to you about your viewpoint but you'd rather avoid me and only spread further gossip about me when you don't even take the time to tell me why you're angry. And no I won't retaliate, except not speaking to you when I see you in public places, and I feel that's fair. And if you really wanted to talk to me you would have done so of your own will rather than waiting for a chance meeting at the store. Unless you feel that vulnerable that you have to have strangers around to overhear your complaints... In which case, people need to be plain with one another. "I'm upset with you because...." and "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was upsetting to you. What I meant was..."

Two simple sentences. Instead we'd rather hold grudges or shoot up a theater or drop a bomb on someone else.


This went a lot differently than i thought it would.

Friday, July 20, 2012

#77--Just Another Girl

I'm just another girl. I've got the same dreams as anybody. I only think my ideas are original.

Before I go any farther, I should just go ahead and say this might seem like a downer post, but really it isn't. Bear with me.

As I was saying--

I'm just another girl. Except I'm not girly and I'm not a tomboy. I'm feminine and not. I'm eccentric and sultry and spiny and brash and nurturing all at the same time. Do I know who I am? Sometimes. I have the same dreams and goals as anyone else. So why should I be held apart from the crowd? How do you gain and maintain your individuality when there are so many other people just like you? What makes me more deserving than anyone else? What is the value of a person?

You don't know me. And you will probably never take the time. I'll be just another gravestone in another cemetery. Someday someone will walk past my head stone and say "She must have been a real person once. She must have mattered to someone. I wonder what she looked like?" Then they'll wander on and visit the grave they came for, or break up the vault they meant to, or upright all the fallen-over flower holders. And then they'll go home to their families or their dog.

What is the point of this post you might ask? I don't know. Do you? If you have any insight, please enlighten me.

I've got dreams. I've got goals. I've got secrets and confessions and favorites and dislikes and passions and star fire and you and I don't even know what else. I've got a house that I can call home and a two-dog family and I've got these things and you've got your things. I've got my memories, which will only ever be my memories and no one else's, for we all experience things differently. I've got all this unique and individualness that cannot be remade or copied or undone by anyone. How can I express that to you? You are just as individual as me, and in that we are the same. Little copies of each other for millenia and having sprouted from the loins of some water-turned-land-crawling-monkey-fish-ameoba.

Some might say that all anyone wants is to be famous. If we were all famous, no one would care. If they did, they'd care enough to be different. They'd be infamous; thus starting the cycle of difference and un-noticeability all over again. Here I am making up words. What did you do today? Yes that's a challenge.

I don't know that fame is what I want. I think I want to be noticed. Especially during the summer when one can't find a job and is at home a lot of the time and no one talks to you but your dog when they want to go pee and that's not a real conversation anyway because it isn't even the same language and doesn't hold the same conceptual structures either. Attention. So, that must be what I'm wanting now. As ever. But what is wrong with that? Doesn't everyone want to be acknowledged? Even folks that claim to be afraid of people or who are anti-social or worse, all they want is to be acknowledged, to have friends, to communicate and feel like their ideas are worth something; to feel like they are worth something to someone, even if only for a moment or twenty.

Are my ideas good ones? Are they worth sharing? Are they worth hearing? Hm?

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

#76--More of the Same

Lots of things are happening lately.

My car is close to being fixed. We'll see how that goes. Yay trees!

Friends are moving back to town and out of town, so some happy and some sad. Helping them takes a lot more time than one would anticipate.

I need me space though and I feel like I'm not getting that. I think I need to take up a new practice. Who knows. Maybe I'll start getting up early (I need to do this anyway in preparation for the fall semester since I am taking and teaching early classes) and going for walks before I start my day. Then I'll have some extra energy at the beginning of the day, I'll be keeping healthy habits, I'll be up on time, and maybe I'll even get a bit more in shape for it. This of course goes hand in hand with my gym attendance going up. I have started going every day and I intend to maintain that for the future.

In the meantime, still working on thesis findings. Got an email back from the prof. and I skimmed through it. It looks absolutely helpful, I just wasn't feeling entirely focused today. Hm.

Also not sure that my ideas are being taken entirely seriously. Ah well.

Pizza arrived... so ciao for now!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

#75--Too Tired to Write a Real Post

What a week.

Spent a lot of time with my friend Lisa, and that was nice. Now I'm home again, and back to reading and writing and posting on this lovely blog.

Otherwise, I'm pretty tired. I stubbed my toe today--hard enough to make my whole foot hurt. I may have also sprained a finger. I don't know how I managed that. I didn't think typing would really bother it but it does. All the more reason for me to make this a short post.

Got some WWI letters from an antique store, along with a cameo brooch and two skeleton keys. I fully intend to use these for story writing.

I'm ready for August for several reasons. If only I could go to that concert on the 8th--Fun, Electric Guest, Silversun Pickups, Alabama Shakes... <3!!!

Anyway, more substantial stuff tomorrow, or as soon as my finger doesn't protest too much.

Until then--

Thursday, July 5, 2012

#74--Fitting In... Blah blah blah

When I was a kid, I had a notion of what was "sexy" or "attractive" for females. Being a girl myself, I felt it was necessary to identify with some trope (and I still feel that way). However, I feel also that there are so many different versions of what is sexy or attractive that it is impossible for me to decide which one I should go with.

As a girl, I really had a thing for Anjelica Huston in The Addam's Family. Another big influence for me was Winona Ryder in various roles such as Beetlejuice, Edward Scissorhands, and Star Trek.  I was also very fond of Cher, especially in her role from Mermaids, along with Whoopi Goldberg, Demi Moore, Gillian Anderson, Madonna, Julie Andrews, Deborah Kerr, Betty White, Bea Arthur, Catharine O'Hara, etc. Even my mother fell into this category for awhile, but that may have been because I did not yet know her intimately as an adult does, as I do now.

I think I lost my gusto for this halfway through making that list. It wasn't about who was pretty in the face for me (though that was a factor) but it was more about who they were (or are) as a person and the roles they chose to perform during their careers be it on a musical or theatrical stage or both.

I'm also not saying I don't still look up to these people, or that they are any less an ideal of beauty than they used to be--just that I finally feel society's push for what I should feel is attractive. And maybe society has changed since I was a kid (most likely) and that's okay too I suppose.

I guess all I really wanted to accomplish with this is a throw-back to my childhood and remembering those values that I had in mind then--values I had selected myself and not because someone or a group of people told me to choose differently.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

#73--Contests & Stuff

I entered a contest today. Not a writing contest, though there was a box for an "essay" which I totally filled with haiku instead. Well, at least halfway. In any case, it will be fun to see whether or not I win something from the contest. If not, then maybe I'll get a mention on the show or something. Which means I need to find a way to stream the current episodes but that doesn't seem too hard. I should probably stop talking about it.

A friend of mine was recently informed that a publisher in Germany would like to publish her thesis, so this is very exciting news! A big shout-out to Lindsey! Hooray!

In the meantime, I'm feeling creative but strangely unable to pinpoint what exactly I'd like to do with that energy. Should I make a new playlist on 8tracks? Should I work on revising the monster story I finished? Should I do some crafting that I'm behind on (gift-making)? Baking?

I'll take a vote! Leave answers below in the comments!

Also, I should probably figure out what to do about dinner since it is almost 8 and we're all hungry. Figures. Hm.

I guess I didn't have anything extraordinary to say this time around. Poop.

Until next time--


Just so everyone is aware and not extremely confused, the last three posts before this one are posts I found in my draft box that I had not published. I still have posts numbered 22, 35, and 39 but they are different than what you will read in these posts, likely because I lost internet and thought I lost my post as well, when really blogspot just saved it as a draft that I was unaware of. So I started over. So there's a bit of a flashback to 2010 when I was jobless (much like I am now) and frustrated.

I'm still going with my goals that I posted in #71 regarding things I'd like to finish reading so that I can move on to other works and fully work from the inspiration those works provide for me. I have also made another goal for myself: I can get a cute new hair cut after I lose 15 pounds. That might seem like a lot but it isn't really. So here's hoping I can achieve all of the goals I set for myself.

In the meantime I am going to look up recipes for eggs, since I have six dozen and I'm not eating them nearly fast enough to use them while they're good.

Tomorrow is the 4th, when we celebrate the nation's independence from Britain. I'm not really that into it. I like the smoke bombs for the color and automatic mosquito repellent but that's about it. I don't mind watching fireworks in the sky, but I think it is a bit ridiculous to celebrate freedom from something when we are so oppressed by our current system. Buuut that's just me. So oh well. Also, that was over 200 years ago, so it seems just a hair outdated to me. I'm sure someone will read this and be upset and call me "unpatriotic" but I really don't feel any particular attachment to this nation. Sure I was born here, and sure I live here, but those are things that I cannot change at the moment. It is just really hard to feel connected to a place where even the government doesn't want to feel connected to. Hm. I think this thought requires more thought. I'll get back to you.

Until then...

Monday, July 2, 2012

#39 Interesting Turns (Previously Unpublished)

The last few days have held some interesting turns for me, and I now face a decision between some things that are ridiculously exciting and difficult to choose between. I don't know really how I will manage, but I am sure I will find a way.

That's about all the details I can give on that.

On a different note, I wish it would hurry up and be spring already. The weather the last few days has been so nice (in the 70s!) but I keep hearing reports that its supposed to snow on Monday, and today is significantly colder than yesterday. I don't want any more snow, I want sunshine! But I guess we can't always have what we want.

Or can we?

I feel like saying here, that if you want to do something that you should do it, and that there is no limit to what you can accomplish if you strive for it. And sure that sounds cheesy to a lot of you, and everyone always says that but no one ever does it, blah blah--But if you live your life that way and that is your true opinion, then no, you never will really move forward like you want to do.

As for me, there are things that I want to do, things I know and feel that I must accomplish before I don't have that option anymore. And for a very long time those things have seemed out of reach, or like they could not be worked on in a simultaneous fashion. This relates back to the decision that I have to make, which is all dependent upon a conversation I must have. What I'm saying here is I've discovered that is is very possible that these things I want to do CAN be done at the same time, that I do not have to allot different time periods for these things. And the more I think about it the more I realize that I AM capable of completing the tasks simultaneously, and that the challenge of it would be excellent, the dual learning experience and work experience would be beyond any other experience I might have by itself at one time.

I guess then, that the only real obstacle to doing both of these things at once is the conversation that I need to have. I suppose then, that I would be able to better determine when these things would happen and how they would come into being.

Both of these options are crazy! Intense! I never thought that (at this point in my life) that I would be faced with these two options, or that I would be progressing so quickly! It is very exciting, but also daunting and I can't decide what to do.

And based on the conversation and how that goes, then I may not have to decide between the two, or I might be asked to make a decision point-blank.

Either way.

I guess I didn't really have much else to talk about today than this decision, lol. Yay for vague blog entries!

#22 Professional Blog (Previously Unpublished)

Alright everyone, I've decided to make a professional blog! It will be connected to this one, and should be accessible via the tool bar on the right. The purpose for this new blog will be to display larger chunks of stories in a more organized fashion, with consistent titling and numbering, so they are easier to find and read through.

This blog will still be active and will be where I first post these story ideas and where I will hash out title issues and other such conundrums.

In the meanwhile, today is the last day for NaNoWriMo, and needless to say, I did not win the challenge of writing 50,000 words in one month. I only wrote about 2,196 words. However, I have deemed that this is just fine, as Grace and I have agreed to compete with each other AGAIN for the month of December for our own personal NaNo event. Yesterday I did a lot of reading and got some inspiration from Julie & Julia, the movie about Julia Child and her fabulous cooking. So I am feeling rejuvenated a little bit, and in addition to the fun day I had today with Gracie, which also contributes to my overall lifted spirits.

Isn't that a funny thought: there are religions with one deity and others with several, but for the most part, everyone is considered to have one soul or spirit. Yet every once in awhile we have several... Hm.

Back to what I was saying! I will have a professional blog! I am excited for this. :-D

#35--Where's Mine? (Previously Unpublished)

At what point does one give up?

Is giving up really an option?


"don't find reasons not to be happy"

I'm not going to pick this apart. i just feel awful.

i'm thinking about writing a piece or something on the job search. yeah, we (as americans, the collective we) know its tough out there, searching for and finding a job. things are looking down, and its hard on a lot of folks.

But this is getting ridiculous.

I've signed up for multiple job search websites, for free. Its great that they're free because I have no money to pay them if they weren't free.

So i'll go to one of these said websites, which sends me email on a regular basis, screaming LOOK AT THESE JOBS THAT WE PICKED FOR YOU EVEN THOUGH THEY DON'T REALLY MATCH  YOUR SKILL SET, EDUCATION OR INTEREST AT ALL!

and then they send me reminder emails, making sure i've seen the opportunity to apply for crap i can't do or don't want to do.

keep in mind that i'm not trying to be terribly picky, since there's not much for me to pick from in the first place. i generally tend to stay away from things that require licensure or in any way deal with accounting since i really don't like math (that doesnt mean i have zero skill, but accounting really isn't for me).

so this means that out of 100 jobs that i might look at in a day, (or an hour), --and these are my own very rough estimations-- about 30% have to deal with accounting/insurance/required licenses, 40% are in nursing, healthcare, or a service related industry, like driving medical equipment around the city. I've done pizza delivery, i know how it works, and it sucks. so that's a rough 70% of the 100 jobs that i won't/can't apply to/am not eligible for anyway.

Now lets say that 20% of the remaining jobs might match what i can do, or what i could do with minimal training, and i start reading the descriptions and requirements and i get all excited--only to find out the job is in CALIFORNIA, ARIZONA, COLORADO, ILLINOIS, OHIO, ARKANSAS, NEW YORK, CHICAGO, OR MARYLAND.


(some of you at this point may say, well, you could move! but i don't have the money for that either, thank you).

SOOOOO,   this leaves me with 10% of the 100 initial jobs. in my area, not likely to be in my field or skill set, are generally part-time, temporary or both, paying under or just at minimum wage, and require me to drive at least 20 minutes to get to work (which is expensive since gas is sitting just under 3 bucks a gallon and we're trying to only use my car to save some extra cash).

so out of that last measly 10%--

(Please note that I found this in my "draft" box which probably means my computer lost internet connection and I had to start the post over. I will be posting the rest of these drafts as well.)

#71--Spirit & Dreams

Random title. Random post.

Helped a friend find an apartment today. Yay!

My hand is still crazy sore from yesterday. I realized that my injury was caused by me attempting to cut my dog's hair with scissors while she was halfway through her bath. Foolish idea and it will never happen again. In the meantime, I have my wrist brace on as a helpful thing. It doesn't really work 100% for the palm of my hand where the muscles have been overworked, but it does help at least a little.

Also had the opportunity to share a story with my friend. Yay! I was glad for the conversation and the helpfulness it brought about. You know who you are and thank you very much! We stayed up late even though you were probably dead tired, and I thank you for that as well.

So like I said in yesterday's post, I finished a story but I need to rework some of the details after the reveal. It is the monster story, so it should be more monstrous. In the meantime, the apocalypse story is on hold until I feel like I can write more than what you'll get in this blog post.

So I think this week will be for reading. I'm going to shoot for finishing Let's Pretend This Never Happened (Jenny Lawson), The Illustrated Man (series, Ray Bradbury), and The Island of Dr. Moreau (H.G. Wells). And then it will be on to other titles that I have not yet explored. I feel I need to re-read The Hero With A Thousand Faces (Joseph Campbell) so that one is likely next.

And now my wrist is tired. TTFN.

Sunday, July 1, 2012


Today the low was WAY TOO HOT.

I have finished a story!!


In the process I pinched a nerve in my shoulder!


And now I am showered and waiting for my friend to get here.

I gave the dogs a bath. I cut off some of Sydney's multitudes of hair. She looks "skinny." I put it in quotation marks because she doesn't look like *as much* of a moose as she did before I cut her hair. Fonzi didn't get a hair cut because I don't care enough today. Plus that's an outside activity. Plus he's not that bad right now.

In the meantime, my shoulder hurts. I probably shouldn't be typing. Oh well.

I was trying to figure out what to do for dinner, since it is getting to be about that time, but I don't really want to cook and it's too hot for that action anyway. Milk was a bad choice.

La la la. I finished a story! La la la!


#69--Heh heh.

So I took a glance at some of my past posts. Of course, every writer should do this when they need a blurb of inspiration or something else to reflect on. Maybe I do too much reflecting but that's alright.

Sixty posts ago (#9) I read again. I was angry. I think I somehow managed to forget that anger. Maybe I buried it that day, leaving it to rest and be outside of me. I don't like being angry. Does anyone? There was another post regarding the same topic though I don't remember what post it was...I think it was called "Was It Worth It?" But anyway, I am astonished at myself. Because during that meeting, that one lunch time, I did not say to you the things I wanted to say. I did not really express all of my pent-up anger, because I had stowed it away in a corner of my mind and I had allowed it to gather dust. Does that mean I am moving on from that angry person I was/am? Rereading that post made me realize the disgust is still there at least. But what can I do? What does it matter if I'm still angry with you or not? If I die without telling you how angry I am, is there guilt attached?

I suppose it is enough to know that you don't know me, and that you likely never really will. And still, even after that brief meeting and attempt at discussion, things are still broken and unfixed, rusting in the rain and wind and sun. It was never a problem that would be solved with a simple apology, not that you offered one. I suppose in that way I'm just as bad as you because I didn't offer one either. In fact, when you put me on the spot about the wedding I lied to you, just the same as I imagine you would have lied to me in any other situation. Why did I lie? I hate confrontation. I hate fighting. I hate yelling. I hate feeling guilt for something I shouldn't feel guilty for. I didn't invite you because you would have been upset. I didn't invite you because you didn't invite me. I didn't invite you because you never come to things that I do, things I'm involved in, or even just for a damned visit. Would people have liked you better if you had? Probably not. But at least they wouldn't have been able to speak out against you. And that's the worst bit about it too, is that they tore me apart. Every mention of your name and they cringed, they grimaced, they spat it at me like it was poison.

I saw something recently that hit me like a brick in my gut. It was a meme-thing that said basically, every time a parent bad-talks the other parent in front of/to a child, that child feels like shit because they are one half of each parent. And that's so true. So a big shout out to anyone and everyone who ever had something nasty to say about you, and who said those nasty things to my face. Thank you for making me feel like one-half a loser. And you know, once you're halfway to something, you just keep on going. Thanks for impressing upon me that I am one-half bum, liar, scumbag, cheater, thief, coward, gossiper, sleazy, likely drug abuser, whore of a person. Because those are all things I heard about you. And will you ever admit the truth? Will you ever own up to your own past and your own actions? Did you ever? Not likely. And here I am, an adult, trying SO hard NOT to be you, based only on what I know from other people. Here I am, half-poisoned. And whenever anyone said I did something that reminded them of you, I sunk so low. Instantly. I was the lowest thing ever. I was despicable to them. Unmentionable. Disgusting. Worth spitting on. ONLY worth spit. And sometimes not even worth that.

This seems--is--a defining characteristic for me. I am the offspring of all of the above. There is no escaping that, even if I try my damndest to be a good person. Even if I struggle and fight and claw my way up out of this hole.

I did not intend for this to be a violent post. I think this is something that I will have to deal with perpetually for the rest of my life. Unfortunately.

On another note, I went to a BBQ this afternoon/evening at a friend's house. It was quite fun, the conversation was engaging and such; I got to hang out with Baby Z and Miss Jewel & Miss Cordee, though the girls were more involved with the rabbit and tribal drums. It was a little uncomfortable though, since I was the only one there who didn't bring a child along, having none to contribute. I'm still not sure how that makes me feel. And of course, there's never a "perfect" time for that sort of thing... Anyway. I'm not getting into that. It was a good time. I took beer bread & some dip, both of which were quite tasty. I had a couple servings of strawberry daquiri but all that did was give me a headache that took FOREVER to get rid of. And yet, here I am at 230 cranking out the longest blog post in history. I don't mind calling attention to my actions in this way. Random.

I stayed up with the intention of writing more on a story I've been working on (the one about monsters) but I didn't do any writing since I re-opened my computer at 100. Ah well. At least I have all day tomorrow to do something. While my body is wearing down, my brain is still pretty awake, so I may end up staying up longer after all. Who knows. I feel like this post is too long so here it is.

Happy 69 to all.