Friday, January 28, 2011


I feel disengaged from everything lately. I don't know if it is because I don't have a job and I'm having such trouble finding one, or if its for some other reason.

I'm not motivated to do things, like clean the house (which seems to be constantly dirty), to make dinner, and a lot of times, I'm not motivated to write. I feel like I really have to psych myself up before I can even *think* about writing, and then it takes forever for me to come to any kind of idea of what scene to write, or which story to write about, or what my characters are doing. And that's not quite the worst part of it: I feel, as I'm writing, like everything that I'm putting on the paper isn't making sense, or that it won't flow the way I want it to. I don't think this concern I have during writing is related directly to the act of writing itself, since I've never seemed to have a problem before, but that it is linked to the motivation issue I seem to be having.

Its hard to keep up confidence in yourself when you don't feel valued. Specifically, from employers. I honestly am so frustrated with the system its ridiculous. I don't *want* to apply for jobs. I'm starting to forget/not care what I even end up doing for a job, even if I end up miserable. I don't feel like this is any kind of resignation, just a lack of caring for my own jobless situation. It is repeated to me that I shouldn't give up; that I can't give up. This is all fine and good, but at this point, I don't know what to do to get an employer to notice me, my skills, my work ethic, or my willingness to do just about any job.

I'll scrub toilets if it means I'm getting paid.

Bills are constantly on my mind, and pressing on my wallet. Student loans start next month, and Alex's have already begun their repayment period.

No one ever said it was going to be this tough. I mean, sure, I expected it would be tougher than living at home, or at college. I don't mean to whine that no one warned me, that I am not being held by the hand anymore, but I feel like some sort of preparation would have been better for me, would have better prepared me for what was to come.

I think this is about where a psychologist would suggest depression, and potentially mania. And maybe they would be right about all of this. But perhaps they would also be able to recommend for me some kind of solution to these issues. I already know I have to keep my chin up, that I have to continue to apply for jobs until I finally get one, so that I can help pay the bills, get ourselves out of debt, and save for a honeymoon and/or new house.

No my tax refund will not save me this year. I don't know how taxes are going to turn out actually. And if I only get a small amount back, then that is still an amount that is able to be put towards something else. If I owe (which I doubt but who can ever tell) will be harder on us than I think I can stand right now.

And sure, the job market will pick up as spring comes on, but I can't wait that long for a means of employment, and the fact that no one is hiring at the moment only makes it harder.

I let my husband take my car to and from work to save gas, and since I don't typically have anywhere to go during the day since I am without a job, then I end up staying at home, and hoping to achieve some minor cleaning task or fill out a measly application.

I'm going nowhere and I know it, but its not like I don't want to go places. I just don't know how to move along at this point. The rut changed into a groove that is close now to being a dried up river valley.

I feel out of it. Discouraged. Disengaged. Disillusioned. Disenchanted.

Dis dis dis.

I think it's time for bed.


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