Friday, October 8, 2010

#9--My Father Gave Me A Name

As in, Love Potion #9.

But this is not a funny post.

i hope.

I thought I fixed this. By ignoring it. HA. Maybe that's why its not fixed. Maybe that's why the wound is continuously reopened.


You cannot exclude yourself for so long and claim its my fault for not contacting you, or claim that you were "there" all along. BULLSHIT.


You are a product of your own effort. Your lack thereof has changed the outcome of your physical product, and therefore I will never be like you. We will probably never relate.

I can't rely on you. I don't trust you. I never know when you're lying, or when you're telling the truth. Your "give a damn" is permanently busted.

I can generally forgive someone who has done wrong by me, and most times I can recognize (even if it takes time) that part of the wrong was due to my own actions/words; it has never been this way with you. It is NOT my fault that you cheated, that you lied, that you said one thing and did another. It didn't matter what you said when I was six, because I believed it. I was spoon-fed on lies, nursed with bitterness. When I was old enough to understand that you were lying, I chose not to believe what everyone else said. I ignored them because I WANTED to see the good in you.

But year after year, on the one day a year, I would not receive even a phone call. Never a card. You promised me things and then refused them later. You yanked my emotional chain back and forth, to and fro. Finally, I dismissed you.

If you really loved me, if you really had loved me all this time, you would have called me every day only to ask how the dog was. You would have scolded me for having my music on too loud at night, you would have made me do my homework, you would have asked me to help you with your own chores. You would have told me about how dangerous boys are, and you would have told me when you thought I was with the wrong one. You *should* have done these things, but you didn't.


and that's all that matters.

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