So today, I had a meeting with my boss, who, it turns out, is totally cool with the idea of me going to China! I can still work for him while I'm overseas making more money, and get double experience! I know that I will more than likely be extremely busy, but I am going to have sooo much fun and I'll get to take the hubby with me!
Back to my original train of thought: I had a meeting today with my boss and I decided to wear my rabbit shirt, which I got as a present from my youngest sister a couple of Christmases ago. After my meeting ended I met my dear hubby for lunch at Panda Express, where a sticker on the glass door informed me that 2011 is the year of the Rabbit. (For those of you who don't know, I was born in the year of the Rabbit, so this was kind of exciting to me). I also got a really good fortune which I cannot immediately remember (but it's upstairs on my dresser!).
So considering all my good fortune lately, I'm going to say that it is due to this being MY YEAR: The Year of the Rabbit. At the same time it sounds like a great story title. And a quick search results in not a whole lot under that or similar titles (mostly it is relating to the Chinese zodiac).
I also find it interesting that this opportunity for me to go overseas and teach in China coincides with it being a year represented by the same animal I was born under.
All of this has led me to some impromptu research on the Chinese zodiac.
http://www.chinesezodiac.com/
The Rabbit symbolizes creativity, compassion, and sensitivity. They are friendly, outgoing and prefer the company of others. They also prefer to avoid conflict.
Rabbits believe strongly in friends and family and lacking such bonds can lead to emotional issues.
(There was a bit about not liking competitive situations, and for me at least, I would probably have to say that is not entirely true--I can be very competitive during card and board games).
Rabbits are also classy, sophisticated, expressive, well-mannered and stylish; enjoy learning about cultural issues and people from other countries (How appropriate--and true!), are articulate and good communicators, and friends and peers seek out their advice. Its also why Rabbits make excellent diplomats and politicians. Some other good careers for Rabbits include: writer (awesome!), publisher (yes!), actor, fashion designer, therapist, doctor, administrator, public relations, and teacher (woo!).
I might mention now that I've had interests in the other areas listed above: I am very intrigued by fashion, wanted to be an actress when I was little (and would often practice for the mirror and make so much noise that my mother would tell me to SHUSH!), I did contemplate going into the health field while I was in school with my main interest being in Psychology, I am very good at public relations, perform administrative tasks very well, and now, I will be teaching English in China! This is almost too cool to believe.
Apparently there are five elements that influence the Chinese zodiac signs, and those elements are Earth, Fire, Water, Wood, and Metal.
I was born in 1987, so that makes me a Fire Rabbit, which possesses the additional traits: "Fire adds spark to the Rabbit's personality and all that Fire Rabbits do. Fire compels Rabbits to seek new adventures. Prone to tantrums, Fire Rabbits prefer to avoid conflict."
I don't know about the tantrums part, but I'm sure my mom might have something different to say about that. ;-)
I feel that most of the information provided on this site (noted above) is accurate for myself, though I do not invest a lot of effort into heavily following any horoscope-type thing, though it is interesting to see how these things can be found in the people they are said to apply to.
I find it quite interesting to read about the other signs as well. It is not terribly difficult to deduce which sign is yours, or what element applies to your sign.
This is another compelling aspect of Chinese culture, and I have many more to discover before I am going on the adventure to China later this year.
There is so much to learn!
***Computer! Commence Absorption of Chinese Culture Sequence!***
Good careers for Rabbits include:
Monday, February 21, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
#38: Bamboozled!
Well, life is sure something.
I've got curve balls coming in from all directions it feels like.
Mostly in the area of loans. I thought I had a lot, then I figured I had a lot less, then I discovered I had more than I thought I did the first time around. It sure is something. The phrase "hell on a cracker" comes to mind, and as I'm pretty sure I've never actually heard that spoken before, then I can't really say I've got any good examples for how to use it. Except now I'm hungry.
Today has got me thinking. A lot of things are a mystery. So much of life is based on "what we know," or "who we know." But what is knowledge really? Is it what we assume to be true? All those things we learn in elementary and high school are the basis of rudimentary knowledge, and everyone should have fair access. Yes I agree. Fair access. MMM-hmm.
Well then, why are we so focused on educating ourselves with information that is all based on assumptions, or on some STORY that someone once told to someone else?
Of course, this all makes perfect sense. In ancient Greece and Rome, philosophers debated things day in and day out. They never tired. Ideas then were so new, so fresh (so clean), that it must have been very confusing indeed to really find a way through all of the mental sludge.
They talked about politics and sex and government and democracy and what that means to a people; they talked about education and who was the better philosopher and they solved puzzles that never had a moral to them in the first place and yet they were "satisfied" on some level.
Does this mean they were not satisfied with some of their discussions? Sure. But they sat around and THOUGHT about what the meaning or implication of a certain thing was or what it could be. How convenient! To have nothing better to do with one's time than to think and to talk!
But they were in for a change I'm sure. And who's to say that Plato or Aristotle didn't hoe their fair share of dirt in their day? After all, the beauty of thought lies in that you can do it while completing some other task. For instance, right now I am thinking about 1.) how much I don't want to do the dishes, 2.) that student loans suck and how did I accrue so much to begin with, and 3.) this conversation about philosopher's that break a sweat.
If we take it one step further, we could say that all animals or organisms have "thought" on some level. They can think about what they need to do according to what nature has divined that they shall do. They can think about the pecking order in their pack or how much food they need to eat before winter or how to hide in the bushes to avoid their predators. The same creatures also have emotion, and can experience pain, sadness, loneliness, love, heartbreak, happyness and contentment.
I feel then, that it is fair to say that those same creatures as mentioned above do not think about the things that humans think about. They aren't concerned with democracy (though we might call them democratic in their actions and behaviors, that is only a projection of our understanding of things onto them as a species or group). They are not concerned with how to further GAIN knowledge. They have a certain knowledge yes, and have the capacities to learn MORE certainly, but they do not actively strive for "knowledge." They do not strive for power through knowledge, unless it was through some knowledge they already possessed. We have a curiosity, a THIRST, to know more than what our instincts are.
What then, separates us from these animals? Well, thought of course. We cannot claim to have language all to ourselves, though we might be able to claim that we have the most different TYPES of language per species (but I am not a scientist and cannot prove that, nor do I wish to assert that my claim here is entirely 100% "true").
As humans, we THINK. And with "thought" comes sophisticated things, such as the concept of wearing clothing. What other animal actively puts on a garment before associating with other animals of its own or of a different kind? None that I can think of. And sure, little monkeys might put a leaf on their head to protect them from the sun, but that is not a daily routine, and those leaves are not washed, dried and reused on a daily basis.
Something else that separates us from animals is RELIGION. So far as I know, there is not (or are not many; again, I am not a scientist) an animal or species outside of ourselves that actively worship any higher being which we have NEVER seen with our eyes. You may claim that you've had visions, or dreams, or seen pictures, or someone at some point in time DID see the diety, or the proof thereof. I am not meaning to sound like a skeptic here, or renounce my faith in any way, but I personally have not laid eyes upon the true God. I have spoken with him, or in some way communicated with him (speech wasn't really involved, it was way more internal than that, a THOUGHT) in the past, but have not witnessed any monkeys or koalas, lizards, donkeys or anything else actively building shrines and temples and churches and then congregating in their structures (or even in a holy place) for any action outside of eating, drinking, birthing, and dying. What spurs us to be so motivated to search for and believe in something that is SO truly unique to our species?
Religion cannot be limited to one or even a few human cultures. Every single human culture has had the following things: thought, language, religion, suicide, music and song, war, politics, scandal, murder, marriage, birth, and death. (I am not an anthropologist, so if I'm missing some utopian society by throwing in "suicide," "war," "scandal," and "murder," I apologize for my inaccuracy).
These are things in this life of which every person can be certain.
Again I ask you, why do we seek after these things which no other creature holds to be of any importance? Does that not mystify you? Of course it does. And if you feel you have an answer, please share it. I am open to all theories, this just happens to be mine.
I was reading an article today (I forget the title, the anthology, and the editor that put it all together), about fantasy fiction. The article discussed how we (in the royal sense) strive to discover that which is unknown to us, but that we also recognize that some things are better left undiscovered, unsaid. The question here is not how we differentiate or if we should, or whether or not one way is better than the other, but merely, WHY? Why do we have this YEARNING to know what is unknown? And better than that, WHY ARE WE SO SCARED OF IT?
Think about it!
What is one thing that is completely unknown to ANY and ALL humans?
What happens after death!
I mean, what does happen?
YOU DON'T KNOW!
I know this has got to drive a lot of people crazy.
*back on track now, promise*
As I continued reading the article about curiosity and the known vs. the unknown and why we are so obsessed with it, it discussed in more detail how we (again with the royal) are not satisfied with not knowing, but if we did know, we STILL would not be satisfied!
Such a conundrum!
What a quandary!
And then there was a bit about something C.S. Lewis said, that I cannot remember exactly, about being "constricted to this earth," or something of that nature, dealing mostly around the word "constricted."
And then I thought to myself, how glorious! How marvelous and uncanny (also topics of the article)! To be set here, upon this earth; to have descended from who-knows-what (since we didn't have a written or very well structured oral language waaaaaay back in the day) and become what we are; to desire a thing called "knowledge," regardless of who bestowed it upon us or in what manner--
To think we are the only creatures we know of that are this way!
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY
To think that, if we are so different from other creatures in life, then who can REALLY claim that we will be so similar to those same other creatures in death?
Upon death, will we cease to exist entirely? Will we go on to be with the Lord? Or will we find some other method of being released from this "constriction of life" as it were?
I think that this is enough mind-boggling for one afternoon, and now must see to the dishes that I mentioned earlier. ;-)
I've got curve balls coming in from all directions it feels like.
Mostly in the area of loans. I thought I had a lot, then I figured I had a lot less, then I discovered I had more than I thought I did the first time around. It sure is something. The phrase "hell on a cracker" comes to mind, and as I'm pretty sure I've never actually heard that spoken before, then I can't really say I've got any good examples for how to use it. Except now I'm hungry.
Today has got me thinking. A lot of things are a mystery. So much of life is based on "what we know," or "who we know." But what is knowledge really? Is it what we assume to be true? All those things we learn in elementary and high school are the basis of rudimentary knowledge, and everyone should have fair access. Yes I agree. Fair access. MMM-hmm.
Well then, why are we so focused on educating ourselves with information that is all based on assumptions, or on some STORY that someone once told to someone else?
Of course, this all makes perfect sense. In ancient Greece and Rome, philosophers debated things day in and day out. They never tired. Ideas then were so new, so fresh (so clean), that it must have been very confusing indeed to really find a way through all of the mental sludge.
They talked about politics and sex and government and democracy and what that means to a people; they talked about education and who was the better philosopher and they solved puzzles that never had a moral to them in the first place and yet they were "satisfied" on some level.
Does this mean they were not satisfied with some of their discussions? Sure. But they sat around and THOUGHT about what the meaning or implication of a certain thing was or what it could be. How convenient! To have nothing better to do with one's time than to think and to talk!
But they were in for a change I'm sure. And who's to say that Plato or Aristotle didn't hoe their fair share of dirt in their day? After all, the beauty of thought lies in that you can do it while completing some other task. For instance, right now I am thinking about 1.) how much I don't want to do the dishes, 2.) that student loans suck and how did I accrue so much to begin with, and 3.) this conversation about philosopher's that break a sweat.
If we take it one step further, we could say that all animals or organisms have "thought" on some level. They can think about what they need to do according to what nature has divined that they shall do. They can think about the pecking order in their pack or how much food they need to eat before winter or how to hide in the bushes to avoid their predators. The same creatures also have emotion, and can experience pain, sadness, loneliness, love, heartbreak, happyness and contentment.
I feel then, that it is fair to say that those same creatures as mentioned above do not think about the things that humans think about. They aren't concerned with democracy (though we might call them democratic in their actions and behaviors, that is only a projection of our understanding of things onto them as a species or group). They are not concerned with how to further GAIN knowledge. They have a certain knowledge yes, and have the capacities to learn MORE certainly, but they do not actively strive for "knowledge." They do not strive for power through knowledge, unless it was through some knowledge they already possessed. We have a curiosity, a THIRST, to know more than what our instincts are.
What then, separates us from these animals? Well, thought of course. We cannot claim to have language all to ourselves, though we might be able to claim that we have the most different TYPES of language per species (but I am not a scientist and cannot prove that, nor do I wish to assert that my claim here is entirely 100% "true").
As humans, we THINK. And with "thought" comes sophisticated things, such as the concept of wearing clothing. What other animal actively puts on a garment before associating with other animals of its own or of a different kind? None that I can think of. And sure, little monkeys might put a leaf on their head to protect them from the sun, but that is not a daily routine, and those leaves are not washed, dried and reused on a daily basis.
Something else that separates us from animals is RELIGION. So far as I know, there is not (or are not many; again, I am not a scientist) an animal or species outside of ourselves that actively worship any higher being which we have NEVER seen with our eyes. You may claim that you've had visions, or dreams, or seen pictures, or someone at some point in time DID see the diety, or the proof thereof. I am not meaning to sound like a skeptic here, or renounce my faith in any way, but I personally have not laid eyes upon the true God. I have spoken with him, or in some way communicated with him (speech wasn't really involved, it was way more internal than that, a THOUGHT) in the past, but have not witnessed any monkeys or koalas, lizards, donkeys or anything else actively building shrines and temples and churches and then congregating in their structures (or even in a holy place) for any action outside of eating, drinking, birthing, and dying. What spurs us to be so motivated to search for and believe in something that is SO truly unique to our species?
Religion cannot be limited to one or even a few human cultures. Every single human culture has had the following things: thought, language, religion, suicide, music and song, war, politics, scandal, murder, marriage, birth, and death. (I am not an anthropologist, so if I'm missing some utopian society by throwing in "suicide," "war," "scandal," and "murder," I apologize for my inaccuracy).
These are things in this life of which every person can be certain.
Again I ask you, why do we seek after these things which no other creature holds to be of any importance? Does that not mystify you? Of course it does. And if you feel you have an answer, please share it. I am open to all theories, this just happens to be mine.
I was reading an article today (I forget the title, the anthology, and the editor that put it all together), about fantasy fiction. The article discussed how we (in the royal sense) strive to discover that which is unknown to us, but that we also recognize that some things are better left undiscovered, unsaid. The question here is not how we differentiate or if we should, or whether or not one way is better than the other, but merely, WHY? Why do we have this YEARNING to know what is unknown? And better than that, WHY ARE WE SO SCARED OF IT?
Think about it!
What is one thing that is completely unknown to ANY and ALL humans?
What happens after death!
I mean, what does happen?
YOU DON'T KNOW!
I know this has got to drive a lot of people crazy.
*back on track now, promise*
As I continued reading the article about curiosity and the known vs. the unknown and why we are so obsessed with it, it discussed in more detail how we (again with the royal) are not satisfied with not knowing, but if we did know, we STILL would not be satisfied!
Such a conundrum!
What a quandary!
And then there was a bit about something C.S. Lewis said, that I cannot remember exactly, about being "constricted to this earth," or something of that nature, dealing mostly around the word "constricted."
And then I thought to myself, how glorious! How marvelous and uncanny (also topics of the article)! To be set here, upon this earth; to have descended from who-knows-what (since we didn't have a written or very well structured oral language waaaaaay back in the day) and become what we are; to desire a thing called "knowledge," regardless of who bestowed it upon us or in what manner--
To think we are the only creatures we know of that are this way!
AND MORE IMPORTANTLY
To think that, if we are so different from other creatures in life, then who can REALLY claim that we will be so similar to those same other creatures in death?
Upon death, will we cease to exist entirely? Will we go on to be with the Lord? Or will we find some other method of being released from this "constriction of life" as it were?
I think that this is enough mind-boggling for one afternoon, and now must see to the dishes that I mentioned earlier. ;-)
Monday, February 14, 2011
#37--Valentine's Day
Happy Valentine's Day!
I am now employed, and loving it so far! It is so exciting to be employed in my field, actually using the degree I went to school for, but its also very exciting to be employed after being out of work for so long. Okay, so it wasn't really THAT long, but it sure felt that way.
In the meantime, I've been working on some fictional writing of my own. I recently discovered a fiction contest, so I have been working on a piece for that. My limit is 2500 words, but when I counted them all, I have about 1100. So there is a lot of wiggle room for editing.
This last weekend the guys worked on a stop motion film that is pretty awesome. I'm not allowed to say a whole lot about it, but every part of it is going to be completely amazing. I really can't wait to see it when it is all finished.
Some goals I have for this year include:
- Finish writing my book and find a publisher (and hopefully get it printed!)
- Research and incorporate that research into the story about Jack Price.
- Finish Angela's story.
- Participate in NaNoWriMo AND SUCCEED!
- Conduct my own NaNo with my friend Grace
- Have my own home with my husband!
It sounds like a lot, but I think I can accomplish all of these things.
Well, here goes!
I am now employed, and loving it so far! It is so exciting to be employed in my field, actually using the degree I went to school for, but its also very exciting to be employed after being out of work for so long. Okay, so it wasn't really THAT long, but it sure felt that way.
In the meantime, I've been working on some fictional writing of my own. I recently discovered a fiction contest, so I have been working on a piece for that. My limit is 2500 words, but when I counted them all, I have about 1100. So there is a lot of wiggle room for editing.
This last weekend the guys worked on a stop motion film that is pretty awesome. I'm not allowed to say a whole lot about it, but every part of it is going to be completely amazing. I really can't wait to see it when it is all finished.
Some goals I have for this year include:
- Finish writing my book and find a publisher (and hopefully get it printed!)
- Research and incorporate that research into the story about Jack Price.
- Finish Angela's story.
- Participate in NaNoWriMo AND SUCCEED!
- Conduct my own NaNo with my friend Grace
- Have my own home with my husband!
It sounds like a lot, but I think I can accomplish all of these things.
Well, here goes!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
#36--D&D Weekend
This last weekend was a weekend spent with friends, playing D&D. It was the second time I've ever played, and it was buckets of fun! I also have purchased my own dice, so that really helped me feel more connected as well.
Friday I had an interview and I am waiting to hear back from that. I have another one tomorrow at a different place, so I am hoping that goes well or proves to be something I am capable/want to do.
A writing contest has come to my attention, which has no entry fee, so I anticipate to be working on that soon in hopes to get something created in that way. I have also been working on the Rumplestiltskin story, and I'm becoming more wrapped up in it the more that I compose. Lately though, due to D&D weekend probably, I have been feeling creatively drained, and characters are bleeding from one into another, and becoming less distinguishable. So a brief break is in order it feels like. I'm hoping also that the editing process won't take terribly long, but who can tell at this point. In the meantime, I'm waiting to hear back from a potential publisher about whether or not they are able to accept international works (I'm assuming they are/will).
Also this weekend, I did a little dress "shopping" with Miss Kristen for her wedding, so really, I went along and gave feedback on the dresses she's tried on. It was a lot of fun, and she found (at least two, I think) that are viable options. :D
Outside of that I am feeling down still, but I am trying very hard not to let myself get discouraged about things. It is difficult to be positive when there's not much going on, and not a lot to do, and when getting out of the apartment (not counting dog walking) is a rare occurrence. I keep looking forward to the things we'll be able to accomplish soon, but all of it is pending upon employment.
There's not much else to report outside of this. Evan recently got jellyfish and they sit in our living room, providing entertainment for all. Sometimes they get stuck in the rocks on the bottom, and then they have to be pulled out from between them. The snow outside isn't melting fast enough I feel, and the weather is forecasting for more starting this afternoon and continuing all night long, with temps in the lower single digits all day tomorrow. Look at me, I feel like a weatherman. Ha. Either way, I'm tired of snow. I need some sunshine to warm myself up, and not only that, but to cheer me up too. I can't wait til I am able to go play tennis with the guys at our court at our apartment. We got all the stuff last year, but never had the opportunity to play. But this year, oh yes. Not to mention that I really want to be fit by summer, so I actually feel good in a swimsuit. I do not want to be overweight for the rest of my life. And for those of you that know me personally, and say that I don't need to lose weight, yes, yes I do. I don't intend to do this in an unhealthy manner by any means, but I can legitimately say I don't feel energized, or thin, and I don't fit in a lot of things that I want to fit in. It's pathetic, and I need to get on the ball. Which is why I'm going to finish this post right about now and turn on my Wii and workout with my Wii Active. So take that BMI! I'm coming after you, and you're going down.
Friday I had an interview and I am waiting to hear back from that. I have another one tomorrow at a different place, so I am hoping that goes well or proves to be something I am capable/want to do.
A writing contest has come to my attention, which has no entry fee, so I anticipate to be working on that soon in hopes to get something created in that way. I have also been working on the Rumplestiltskin story, and I'm becoming more wrapped up in it the more that I compose. Lately though, due to D&D weekend probably, I have been feeling creatively drained, and characters are bleeding from one into another, and becoming less distinguishable. So a brief break is in order it feels like. I'm hoping also that the editing process won't take terribly long, but who can tell at this point. In the meantime, I'm waiting to hear back from a potential publisher about whether or not they are able to accept international works (I'm assuming they are/will).
Also this weekend, I did a little dress "shopping" with Miss Kristen for her wedding, so really, I went along and gave feedback on the dresses she's tried on. It was a lot of fun, and she found (at least two, I think) that are viable options. :D
Outside of that I am feeling down still, but I am trying very hard not to let myself get discouraged about things. It is difficult to be positive when there's not much going on, and not a lot to do, and when getting out of the apartment (not counting dog walking) is a rare occurrence. I keep looking forward to the things we'll be able to accomplish soon, but all of it is pending upon employment.
There's not much else to report outside of this. Evan recently got jellyfish and they sit in our living room, providing entertainment for all. Sometimes they get stuck in the rocks on the bottom, and then they have to be pulled out from between them. The snow outside isn't melting fast enough I feel, and the weather is forecasting for more starting this afternoon and continuing all night long, with temps in the lower single digits all day tomorrow. Look at me, I feel like a weatherman. Ha. Either way, I'm tired of snow. I need some sunshine to warm myself up, and not only that, but to cheer me up too. I can't wait til I am able to go play tennis with the guys at our court at our apartment. We got all the stuff last year, but never had the opportunity to play. But this year, oh yes. Not to mention that I really want to be fit by summer, so I actually feel good in a swimsuit. I do not want to be overweight for the rest of my life. And for those of you that know me personally, and say that I don't need to lose weight, yes, yes I do. I don't intend to do this in an unhealthy manner by any means, but I can legitimately say I don't feel energized, or thin, and I don't fit in a lot of things that I want to fit in. It's pathetic, and I need to get on the ball. Which is why I'm going to finish this post right about now and turn on my Wii and workout with my Wii Active. So take that BMI! I'm coming after you, and you're going down.
Friday, January 28, 2011
#35--Discouraged
I feel disengaged from everything lately. I don't know if it is because I don't have a job and I'm having such trouble finding one, or if its for some other reason.
I'm not motivated to do things, like clean the house (which seems to be constantly dirty), to make dinner, and a lot of times, I'm not motivated to write. I feel like I really have to psych myself up before I can even *think* about writing, and then it takes forever for me to come to any kind of idea of what scene to write, or which story to write about, or what my characters are doing. And that's not quite the worst part of it: I feel, as I'm writing, like everything that I'm putting on the paper isn't making sense, or that it won't flow the way I want it to. I don't think this concern I have during writing is related directly to the act of writing itself, since I've never seemed to have a problem before, but that it is linked to the motivation issue I seem to be having.
Its hard to keep up confidence in yourself when you don't feel valued. Specifically, from employers. I honestly am so frustrated with the system its ridiculous. I don't *want* to apply for jobs. I'm starting to forget/not care what I even end up doing for a job, even if I end up miserable. I don't feel like this is any kind of resignation, just a lack of caring for my own jobless situation. It is repeated to me that I shouldn't give up; that I can't give up. This is all fine and good, but at this point, I don't know what to do to get an employer to notice me, my skills, my work ethic, or my willingness to do just about any job.
I'll scrub toilets if it means I'm getting paid.
Bills are constantly on my mind, and pressing on my wallet. Student loans start next month, and Alex's have already begun their repayment period.
No one ever said it was going to be this tough. I mean, sure, I expected it would be tougher than living at home, or at college. I don't mean to whine that no one warned me, that I am not being held by the hand anymore, but I feel like some sort of preparation would have been better for me, would have better prepared me for what was to come.
I think this is about where a psychologist would suggest depression, and potentially mania. And maybe they would be right about all of this. But perhaps they would also be able to recommend for me some kind of solution to these issues. I already know I have to keep my chin up, that I have to continue to apply for jobs until I finally get one, so that I can help pay the bills, get ourselves out of debt, and save for a honeymoon and/or new house.
No my tax refund will not save me this year. I don't know how taxes are going to turn out actually. And if I only get a small amount back, then that is still an amount that is able to be put towards something else. If I owe (which I doubt but who can ever tell) will be harder on us than I think I can stand right now.
And sure, the job market will pick up as spring comes on, but I can't wait that long for a means of employment, and the fact that no one is hiring at the moment only makes it harder.
I let my husband take my car to and from work to save gas, and since I don't typically have anywhere to go during the day since I am without a job, then I end up staying at home, and hoping to achieve some minor cleaning task or fill out a measly application.
I'm going nowhere and I know it, but its not like I don't want to go places. I just don't know how to move along at this point. The rut changed into a groove that is close now to being a dried up river valley.
I feel out of it. Discouraged. Disengaged. Disillusioned. Disenchanted.
Dis dis dis.
I think it's time for bed.
Nite.
I'm not motivated to do things, like clean the house (which seems to be constantly dirty), to make dinner, and a lot of times, I'm not motivated to write. I feel like I really have to psych myself up before I can even *think* about writing, and then it takes forever for me to come to any kind of idea of what scene to write, or which story to write about, or what my characters are doing. And that's not quite the worst part of it: I feel, as I'm writing, like everything that I'm putting on the paper isn't making sense, or that it won't flow the way I want it to. I don't think this concern I have during writing is related directly to the act of writing itself, since I've never seemed to have a problem before, but that it is linked to the motivation issue I seem to be having.
Its hard to keep up confidence in yourself when you don't feel valued. Specifically, from employers. I honestly am so frustrated with the system its ridiculous. I don't *want* to apply for jobs. I'm starting to forget/not care what I even end up doing for a job, even if I end up miserable. I don't feel like this is any kind of resignation, just a lack of caring for my own jobless situation. It is repeated to me that I shouldn't give up; that I can't give up. This is all fine and good, but at this point, I don't know what to do to get an employer to notice me, my skills, my work ethic, or my willingness to do just about any job.
I'll scrub toilets if it means I'm getting paid.
Bills are constantly on my mind, and pressing on my wallet. Student loans start next month, and Alex's have already begun their repayment period.
No one ever said it was going to be this tough. I mean, sure, I expected it would be tougher than living at home, or at college. I don't mean to whine that no one warned me, that I am not being held by the hand anymore, but I feel like some sort of preparation would have been better for me, would have better prepared me for what was to come.
I think this is about where a psychologist would suggest depression, and potentially mania. And maybe they would be right about all of this. But perhaps they would also be able to recommend for me some kind of solution to these issues. I already know I have to keep my chin up, that I have to continue to apply for jobs until I finally get one, so that I can help pay the bills, get ourselves out of debt, and save for a honeymoon and/or new house.
No my tax refund will not save me this year. I don't know how taxes are going to turn out actually. And if I only get a small amount back, then that is still an amount that is able to be put towards something else. If I owe (which I doubt but who can ever tell) will be harder on us than I think I can stand right now.
And sure, the job market will pick up as spring comes on, but I can't wait that long for a means of employment, and the fact that no one is hiring at the moment only makes it harder.
I let my husband take my car to and from work to save gas, and since I don't typically have anywhere to go during the day since I am without a job, then I end up staying at home, and hoping to achieve some minor cleaning task or fill out a measly application.
I'm going nowhere and I know it, but its not like I don't want to go places. I just don't know how to move along at this point. The rut changed into a groove that is close now to being a dried up river valley.
I feel out of it. Discouraged. Disengaged. Disillusioned. Disenchanted.
Dis dis dis.
I think it's time for bed.
Nite.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
#34--The Dullness is Overbearing
So it's been awhile. I know that.
I'm in the third book of the Twilight series. It is entertaining, and I still can't make up my mind about it.
You either love it or you hate it, but I seem to want to do both simultaneously. But because of the reactions people have, either loving it to death or hating it with equal passion, I feel that any person who regards it in both ways is, uncommon (to say the least).
Otherwise, things are dull a lot.
Last night I baked a cake. It is not as delicious as I thought it would be, but I'm going to eat it anyway. It was slightly overcooked, but I'm blaming it on my oven, which cooks hotter than it thinks it does.
There is lots of snow again, right when most of it had melted away. The guys are out shoveling the walks, some of them are using tillers to clear the sidewalks a little better for the guys with the shovels who come along behind.
Two months to the date that I walked out and I'm stressing, but I can't let it get to me too much. I am hoping the thing I really want pulls through, and soon. Not having a paycheck is killer, and may lead to bigger problems than one can legitimately anticipate.
However, there are bigger fish to fry in other areas of life, and I am hoping that I am not the only one to make the right decisions. I know the difficulties brought on by certain situations and connections with people and I know they can suck a lot, but sometimes that is required for the overall bettering of oneself.
*sigh*
Life goes on.
I will one day have a novel. And it will be published and it will be awesome. And then I'll tour with the book and for signings, and then from there I will travel around to colleges and high schools and writing groups and give little speeches and someday have enough money to go on the European honeymoon with my husband that we never got to take. And then I'll pay off my debt, and buy a house and have a baby. Then I'll publish lots of other novels and help my husband open his business.
So much to do, so little time.
But I'll make it.
We all will.
I'm in the third book of the Twilight series. It is entertaining, and I still can't make up my mind about it.
You either love it or you hate it, but I seem to want to do both simultaneously. But because of the reactions people have, either loving it to death or hating it with equal passion, I feel that any person who regards it in both ways is, uncommon (to say the least).
Otherwise, things are dull a lot.
Last night I baked a cake. It is not as delicious as I thought it would be, but I'm going to eat it anyway. It was slightly overcooked, but I'm blaming it on my oven, which cooks hotter than it thinks it does.
There is lots of snow again, right when most of it had melted away. The guys are out shoveling the walks, some of them are using tillers to clear the sidewalks a little better for the guys with the shovels who come along behind.
Two months to the date that I walked out and I'm stressing, but I can't let it get to me too much. I am hoping the thing I really want pulls through, and soon. Not having a paycheck is killer, and may lead to bigger problems than one can legitimately anticipate.
However, there are bigger fish to fry in other areas of life, and I am hoping that I am not the only one to make the right decisions. I know the difficulties brought on by certain situations and connections with people and I know they can suck a lot, but sometimes that is required for the overall bettering of oneself.
*sigh*
Life goes on.
I will one day have a novel. And it will be published and it will be awesome. And then I'll tour with the book and for signings, and then from there I will travel around to colleges and high schools and writing groups and give little speeches and someday have enough money to go on the European honeymoon with my husband that we never got to take. And then I'll pay off my debt, and buy a house and have a baby. Then I'll publish lots of other novels and help my husband open his business.
So much to do, so little time.
But I'll make it.
We all will.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
#33--Chili at Twilight
This Sunday, we're hosting a chili cook-off at my apartment. We don't have categories, other than we're making chili for the general eating and enjoyment by ourselves and our friends. We're hoping that everyone will be able to make it (lots of snow fell yesterday, so it's a tad slippery outside).
Other than that, I've started re-reading the Twilight series.
It is a group of books that are not only extremely popular, but that also seem to be highly scrutinized by those that do not love them to pieces. I have to admit that I am guilty of judging it for what it does to vampire culture set up by Bram Stoker and others before him, including the actual legends and stories from multiple cultures across the world.
Let me be clear. Stephenie Meyer found a niche in literature that was otherwise unobserved--shiny, dazzling vampires. She has written four novels dealing with the same characters that are based around these vampires with diamond skin. As a traditionalist and having a deep love for the traditional (and quite scary) vampire, I feel that how she has portrayed vampires in her novels is a bit of a disgrace to those fearsome creatures that most people know (and tend to write off, though they wouldn't have been writing it off hundreds of years ago).
Not only that, but some of the writing is just plain bad. In the first book, there is a scene where Bella is in the kitchen, talking about "dust moats." The definition of "moat" is a body of water surrounding some structure, generally a house or castle. The term that should have been used is "dust motes." I realize this may not be a mistake on Meyer's part, but if the editor is to blame, then a big-time editor should have caught the mistake in the first, third, or seventh reading before it went to printing.
On another note, the characters and their emotions seem to be well written, even though Bella can tend to be whiney and stubborn, and Edward can be kind of a tool--but people are that way in real life as well, so I suppose it's forgivable. The storyline itself is compelling, but quickly-paced. I, as a reader, feel that it is highly demanding. I sweat with everyone in the story as they rush along to catch the evil vampire, to save Bella, and so forth.
I also feel that the writing gets better the farther into the series one goes, and the mistakes become fewer and fewer. I do not mean for this to be a scathing review of Meyer or her writing, I merely want to point out that I am personally torn on how to feel about her writing. Her books are fascinatingly irresistible (and believe me, I never thought I would say that, ever) and compelling. I simply cannot stay away from her books. I have the Twilight series and The Host all in hardback, though I have not yet begun reading The Host.
Something else about Stephenie Meyer--she's young, in her thirties--and she has achieved something miraculous for herself. It is SO inspiring for someone to achieve something they set themselves to. And perhaps it was never her initial intention to write and publish five novels successfully, but she did.
I feel that it is very important to accomplish one's dreams. And seeing it happen, every year, every day, gives me hope and fuels me to reach for the things that I want to accomplish--like publishing my own novels.
Additionally, I have been working on Morph, though it is slow going. Especially since I've picked up the Twilight series again.
In any case, I have to go walk the dogs now, in the blistering cold outside. No fun.
Other than that, I've started re-reading the Twilight series.
It is a group of books that are not only extremely popular, but that also seem to be highly scrutinized by those that do not love them to pieces. I have to admit that I am guilty of judging it for what it does to vampire culture set up by Bram Stoker and others before him, including the actual legends and stories from multiple cultures across the world.
Let me be clear. Stephenie Meyer found a niche in literature that was otherwise unobserved--shiny, dazzling vampires. She has written four novels dealing with the same characters that are based around these vampires with diamond skin. As a traditionalist and having a deep love for the traditional (and quite scary) vampire, I feel that how she has portrayed vampires in her novels is a bit of a disgrace to those fearsome creatures that most people know (and tend to write off, though they wouldn't have been writing it off hundreds of years ago).
Not only that, but some of the writing is just plain bad. In the first book, there is a scene where Bella is in the kitchen, talking about "dust moats." The definition of "moat" is a body of water surrounding some structure, generally a house or castle. The term that should have been used is "dust motes." I realize this may not be a mistake on Meyer's part, but if the editor is to blame, then a big-time editor should have caught the mistake in the first, third, or seventh reading before it went to printing.
On another note, the characters and their emotions seem to be well written, even though Bella can tend to be whiney and stubborn, and Edward can be kind of a tool--but people are that way in real life as well, so I suppose it's forgivable. The storyline itself is compelling, but quickly-paced. I, as a reader, feel that it is highly demanding. I sweat with everyone in the story as they rush along to catch the evil vampire, to save Bella, and so forth.
I also feel that the writing gets better the farther into the series one goes, and the mistakes become fewer and fewer. I do not mean for this to be a scathing review of Meyer or her writing, I merely want to point out that I am personally torn on how to feel about her writing. Her books are fascinatingly irresistible (and believe me, I never thought I would say that, ever) and compelling. I simply cannot stay away from her books. I have the Twilight series and The Host all in hardback, though I have not yet begun reading The Host.
Something else about Stephenie Meyer--she's young, in her thirties--and she has achieved something miraculous for herself. It is SO inspiring for someone to achieve something they set themselves to. And perhaps it was never her initial intention to write and publish five novels successfully, but she did.
I feel that it is very important to accomplish one's dreams. And seeing it happen, every year, every day, gives me hope and fuels me to reach for the things that I want to accomplish--like publishing my own novels.
Additionally, I have been working on Morph, though it is slow going. Especially since I've picked up the Twilight series again.
In any case, I have to go walk the dogs now, in the blistering cold outside. No fun.
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