#52--Was It Worth It?

Maybe. I can't tell yet.

Lunch, which I thought was good. I felt the air was cleared. Or at least more clear than before.

Evening, which is tense. I don't know why. I can't even carry on a decent conversation. Talking goes both ways.

I can't decide if I'm ashamed or disgusted or upset or sad. But at what part?

I am a trusting person, and a forgiving person too. Does this mean that I have made the wrong choice? I saw/heard/read something recently that said something like "There is no *wrong* choice. Only another choice." I don't remember where that is from. It might be from the new Captain America movie. I'm not really sure.

*sigh*

Shooting An Elephant, George Orwell http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1SMRd5/ebooks.adelaide.edu.au/o/orwell/george/o79e/part4.html

#51--"Always A Reason To Smile"

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/8QPXfG/www.globalone.tv/profiles/blogs/16-rules-to-try-to-live-by

My husband sent me this link, probably because I am often in need of staying on track and remembering that life isn't always all about work (though work does help). I read through the list and I found that all of these were helpful to me, and that some of them could be used in multiple different aspects of my life, or in regard to different goals that I have for myself.

The last week (or so) has been pretty rough around the edges, and there is not a whole lot that I can really do to change things. People have died, others were married, and still others made their first appearance into this world. But that's the process of life, really.

Moving away from that which could very quickly become quite depressing, I still have school on my mind and I am still quite excited for orientation and the upcoming term. I am diving into literature that I haven't read since high school. It is a grand adventure all over again. I should also probably do at least a glance-over of some of my textbooks from my undergraduate semesters, just to brush up before I jump headfirst into teaching and taking graduate classes. I have a strong feeling that I am going to be quite busy this semester.

And next year we are hoping to be able to go to Australia! I am not sure if I have previously mentioned this on my blog, but there it is. As of right now there are four of us who are really planning to go, though four or six more have been invited to join in our escapades. I am not sure if the other six will be able to go due to some scheduling. Right now it is looking like the best time to go is in August. I am very excited for this trip. Number one, it's AUSTRALIA. Number two is, culture! and I think Number three is the bit about how I'm writing a story/novel/series that takes place in Australia, and so having the experience of going there and seeing everything firsthand will really be a benefit to my writing (and this will be the first official trip someplace where I am also using what I will see and learn to directly fuel the setting for a piece of my work). This is not to say that I do not use my other experiences in building the setting for my written works, it just means that most of the settings I have to pull from are of the midwestern influence, with a chunk of London and a small splash of Canada. I am truly looking forward to the vast differences that Australia has to offer, but that plane ride! Whew!

Well I suppose that is about all for now. I have some DDR on PS2 to get back to. Yay home workouts!

#50--Dreams and Money; The Money of My Dreams

Each dream is a hidden desire, a passion within me that I do not actively recognize.
There is some sort of truth about them--they say things about me that I would not admit to be true,
or at least not to your face.

But dream I do, and dream I have,
And for all those things that I dream and deny,
I cannot pretend or cover them all.

I am lucky to remember that which I dream,
Just like I am lucky to dream at all.
And in my heart I know that they should lead me to some part of myself that is hidden.

And a million and one questions rise up out of the gloom of my subconscious,
Unconscious,
And I find the questions are more numerous than my answers.

I feel that will always be the case.

Sometimes my wish is to dream, and I do not;
Other times I do not expect it and then I do.
It is quite hard coming back from those alternate realities that can seem almost better than the dawning of the day

But I have to remember that while I may be a different girl in my mind,
the one I am out here needs sustenance too,
And I cannot abandon her.

So the girl I dream of being, dream that I am,
she travels from my mind to my hand to the paper and lives;
She lives for so long that she is a legend, a myth--
A dream.

And so she comes full cycle,
taking pride in her effortless work
While I am breaking my back and my bank just to live,
Just to have food and shelter and a smile on my face.

The dreams that I dream and the girl within, they fade
into myth and legend and dream;
and I wonder if I will get to fulfill the same things as she.

#49--Heat Rising

What can you say about the middle of summer other than that it is usually miserable?

I had a lovely Fourth, though it didn't quite compare to previous years (which is good, while at the same time disappointing). Though I have more mosquito bites for having lit all the fireworks at night.

I write in my blog because sometimes it makes me feel relieved to have things out in the open. Granted there aren't many grand secrets shared here, but this is not the place for sharing secrets. And besides, if I did share them, then they wouldn't be secret anymore would they? I write on this blog so that someone may remember me.

Because after everything else in life, the only thing anyone wants is to be remembered. No one wants to be left behind or forgotten. I feel that a lot of life is based on a person trying to make themselves memorable. While there is nothing wrong at all with being remembered, it can be a treacherous road with many opportunities to go astray, or to be remembered in a negative light. I have no advice here, to offer the general public reading this as to how one should remain on the right path. And honestly, with each consecutive post I add to my blog, I feel a little more preachy each time.

I suppose that is a character flaw I will have to work on.

In other news, I am working on a project for a couple friends of mine, and while I have not spent too much time on it thus far, I am finding as I go along that I need more information than I have, and tools also, which are not readily at my disposal. What I shall have to do is make some time to go to KC so that I may use my mother-in-law's tools, or otherwise just have a craft day. I am excited to continue to work on this project, and the finished result should be quite impressive.

I am also working on my story "Morph" (working title), which I may have mentioned before. After a long conversation with Carol, I felt the need to make some changes, and from there I wrote out the general plot outline that I want to follow. I have also been playing Dungeons & Dragons recently, and I feel that is a great exercise for character building, and allows you to really get into the characters head. It nearly forces you to react and behave as that character. And while all characters have a little bit of ourselves in them, they will be almost completely different from their creator (with some similarities of course, either in behavior and habit of speech, or some such detail). I am wondering how that would work out in a classroom setting: to have each student create a character using a D&D character sheet and the rules thereof. It could make for an interesting exercise or segment of the class indeed. As a result of the D&D playing, I feel that I should make character sheets for my starring roles in Morph, so that I may come to a better understanding of how the characters would behave or interact. I say that I will do this for the starring roles because making sheets for 40 some odd characters would be SO intense. I'm not sure if I could handle that. But perhaps my writing would be better for it.

I picked up Rock Band yesterday with Carol and we played for several hours, until we started doing poorly on the songs/ran out of songs to play, and so we finally called it a night. And yes, my fingertips are particularly tender today, so writing this blog post has proved to be quite the challenge. However, I have made it this far and I feel that I am going to be just fine.

I have so many projects I want to work on its ridiculous. I have enough to probably keep me busy for the next two years at least, and who knows what kinds of new ideas will continue to be generated in that time. This fall I begin grad school and teaching, and I've been reading a lot more lately (fiction, of course) but I also want to get into a good autobiography or other non-fiction. Outside of that I am wanting to brush up on some textbook reading (gasp if you will, I feel compelled). I want to design outfits and other articles of clothing and then sew them and wear them around and post pictures of my creations online. Fashion seems to be a newer interest of mine, and I was never especially fond of keeping up with trends or giving them any value at all until last summer when I started working at F21. I also want to finish painting the upstairs room, which means we will need to get more paint (which of course costs money, but what doesn't cost money lately?). I very much need to organize my roll-top desk (yes, roll-top desk: an antique in fact!) and set up my desktop computer and re-organize my filing cabinet. And I need to do laundry and clean up the walk-in closet and vacuum the whole house and plan a Harry Potter Movie-A-Thon. And on top of all these ambitions and things I'm going to be doing, there is NaNoWriMo in November to think about, and Sigma Tau Delta (which I will pick back up with the school year), and I also want to try to get involved with the community as well.

This is a lot on my plate I feel like, and I'm hoping I can achieve even a fraction of it. But if i keep confidence in myself and my wits about me, while also managing my time and money in a more economical fashion, then I am sure that I will be able to achieve ALL of these things.

And what I'm saying here is, if you have something you want to do, and you've never been able to do it, then set your mind to it. Research what you need to do to achieve your goal, and then go out there and grab it. Don't let yourself get to a point where you can never accomplish what you dreamed of. Make that bucket list, and then cross everything off as you complete the task.

We only have one life here on this Earth (for all we know) so we might as well make the best of it.

#48--Life, Writing, School, and Many More

Things are going. As they always are.

My working situation is still kind of crazy, and I am anxious for the summer to be done (never thought I'd say that) so that I can start classes in the fall. I have been recently enrolled in my classes, and have discovered that there is a week-long orientation immediately prior to the beginning of classes. My advisor claims it is most likely that I will be teaching my first classes on the first day of classes, so that should prove interesting indeed!

Something I've been doing a lot of lately is reading, which is fine by me, and I understand (again) why I love it so much and why I am unperturbed when I read instead of doing important things like laundry. My husband does not find this terribly useful though, and since the third book in the series I'm reading is being read by someone else currently, then I suppose I shall have to spend this week catching up on all those household chores that I've let fall behind.

Speaking of fiction, the same person who has book three also had a discussion with me last night into the wee hours of the morning regarding a story she had thought up a long time ago and seems to have extensive notes on but has never tried to really write. She has also not shared the plot or ideas with anyone except myself, and for this I feel quite honored. As we discussed her ideas, I became more and more excited for her story, and I have offered my assistance as she feels it is needed. I told her we could aim for getting our stories published around the same time. *Because that would be awesome!* And if you're wondering anything about the story she passed along to me last night, then I am very sorry to say that I cannot and will not reveal anything, as it is not my story to share. But I will tell you that it is quite compelling, and should she happen to get the work published, then I will divulge the title/author/isbn number with you, and you shall all have to take my word for it that it is awesome and go out to purchase and read the book.

In other exciting news, my mother has agreed to get me a Kindle or iPad, whichever I choose, so that I may put my textbooks on the device and thus save much money as I go into graduate school. This has led to some barrels full of research on my part. I seem to know a lot of people with Kindles, and they all love the Kindle, and I know one or two people with an iPad, and they like it just as much as another person likes their Kindle. I have a lot of stipulations for the device, things that I need it to be able to do so that I may make the best use of it for graduate school. I have taken all of these into consideration and received some important feedback from peers and professors regarding the particular devices. I think I have decided to go with the iPad, as it has the ability to do more, and I can get the Kindle app on the iPad and still have the HUGE selection of books that I feel I need access to. :)

Back to my friend's fictional adventure--this has re-inspired me to pick up the story I was working on long ago (No, not Angela's Story, as some of you may have read/seen on my other blog page). This story is one that I am attempting to hand-write first. You may call me crazy as a result, but I am okay with that. I feel that writing it out by hand gives me a stronger connection to the storyline, the characters, and helps me care a little more about how well I have crafted the story. I am sad that I have not worked on it since February (which wasn't THAT long ago, but it feels like it has been ages), but at the same time, I am glad to have it finally unpacked and to be thinking about it again. My first goal was to try to have the first draft done by the end of 2011, but I really don't think that is going to happen (but that doesn't mean that it won't!).

Since the laundry machine just buzzed at me, I shall have to go take care of that.

Until next time...

#47--This Crazy Heat

And tornadoes and floods and wildfires and...

Every crazy weather phenomenon that *could* happen seems to actually *be* happening across the country. Between the weather and the economy, I'm surprised we're managing to survive (not entirely surprised, but you get my drift).

I know I'm not the only one with money problems, not the only person who can't afford the things I need in order to live comfortably--and I'm not asking for a handout either. I'm just expressing that it is hard financially to come out even, but we're scraping by.

My workplace presents a continuous (and unnecessary) level of stress that I could really do without. It doesn't look like things are going to be getting better any time soon either, at least not until we have a meeting with the manager's boss, but who knows when that will actually happen. I'm looking forward to it though, so I can voice my concerns and so that we as a staff can come to some conclusions and work on making our work situation better and make it more safe overall, for guests and employees alike. But all these things going on with this make me look forward to teaching in the fall, and starting my graduate career as well.

Which reminds me, I need to get my bookshelf organized! Which means that I need to unpack all my books. Which means that I need some bookshelves to put them on. Whew. We'll get that worked out too I suppose. But I do fully intend to brush up on some knowledge and skills prior to starting everything in the fall, just so that I can get into a good groove again by the time school starts, and so I can be practiced in the same things that I'll be teaching.

My sister is about to have her baby (they are inducing her today) or have already induced her, I'm not sure which. We are all very excited for little Drake to get here, but we will have to hope that the internet does him justice when she gets around to putting pics up, since she's in Hawaii and we're all on the mainland. On another note, Peter is doing better after his surgery (if you don't know and are family you can email me privately for the full scoop). He is attending physical therapy three times a week and is going through a cardio rehab program as well. My mom has hurt her back by sleeping wrong, which tore a muscle and now she is having quite a hard time getting around. She has been to the doctor and received some medication and has also been excused from work as well, so all that we can do is wait for her torn muscle to heal so she can get around again. One of my aunts had surgery on her hand last week, and will have surgery on the other one in July, so that is a whole different adventure, one my younger sister has been helping out with.

Besides all of that we've had some issues with the house we rent and our landlord but nothing terribly extreme. I had a chance to talk to him today and he will come by to fix the broken things tomorrow whenever I give him a call to let him know we are awake and ready.

The summer so far has been kind of hectic but not in the bad way. It is tough though to get together with everyone that I want to hang out with, since we tend to have vastly different schedules. I did get some quality time in the other day with my gals Tina and Emily, and we went to see X Men First Class, which I'm pretty sure we all thought was awesome. If you haven't seen it, you should. I'm supposed to go swimming with some friends on Friday for more girl time (if it doesn't rain). But the weatherman has been talking about rain off and on for all week this week and it hasn't happened yet. Also we're going to our friends' wedding on Saturday, so we're all hoping that the rain holds off for that day too. They're getting married in the newly renovated "old" theater, that was built in the 1920s. It's really going to be beautiful.

And talking about weddings reminds me of pretty dresses and how I intend to make myself some. Also, I keep meaning to follow more fashion-oriented things and then I forget, which reflects badly upon me. What I really need (or feel the need to do) is start designing some things. Even if I never make them (even though I do hope to make them) then it will at least make me feel better. Maybe I can snag my roommate into helping me make them--that would be quite the series of projects.

Regardless of what I decide to do with my summer, be it reading or designing and sewing, I'm sure you'll be hearing much more about it in the near future. So until next time, goodnight.

#46--Acceptance

I did receive word that I have been chosen for the graduate teaching position I mentioned, which makes me very excited indeed for this fall. I am already giving thought to what areas I would like to study. Literature and Linguistics stand out the most to me I think, but I will have to see what my advisor says as well in regard to what his recommendations are for me.

We are finally getting things unpacked around the house too, and with our random and various work schedules, its hard to really see one another (or to see everyone) all at the same time.

I'm sure that whoever is reading this (besides my four or five loyalist readers) is probably pretty bored with what I've got going on. Because really, who wants to hear about someone else's day-to-day life, when they have their own (perhaps slightly dull) life to live and hear about a million times over from their families and friends?

So, we may be able to paint upstairs. If so, then I have a few swatches picked out. The main color would be "Sun Poppy" or something like that, with teal and dark brown accents. The brown would be used almost minimally, since we wouldn't want the room to become "heavy." I am also excited for the construction of new bookshelves, which may not happen for several months. But I am quite eager to get my books out of their boxes so they can "breathe" on the shelf. They will feel better which will make me feel better. And then of course I can read them all, all over again. :-)

And then I spent about an hour between that paragraph and this one, roaming facebook and checking various emails, and even discovering some new blogs (which I now follow). I do wonder sometimes if the whole concept of "following" someone on any of the various sites with the follow option is healthy or if it should be considered a form of stalking... Not to say that I seek out any other information from these blogs other than what is posted routinely (or not) by the blog operator. But isn't it weird how we creep on people and their lives, secretly peeking in at them and their personal moments? Whether we intend to be a more advanced form of a peeping-tom or if we're just looking to not be alone in the recesses of the internet, there is a level of mysticism to the whole act, and I feel that after a certain point, "following" gets to be too much. At what point do we become too wrapped up in someone else's life that we do not realize that we have our own? That perhaps we are not living our own life as we would want to because we are so caught up with making sure that some random person and otherwise a stranger made it through a particularly rough Tuesday afternoon, post-breakup, post-car wreck, post-raining for three days straight and now their flowerbeds have all gone to muddy awfulness. These details are not wrong to share, and probably not wrong to witness, but a flowerbed does not influence how I live my life, or the choices I make after I log off and go to bed. (On the same note, I do not necessarily mean that these details are entirely irrelevant either, just that there is a lot of mixup between what we do and what we wish we were doing, but instead we read about someone else doing those things we wish we would/could do, rather than seeking out a method to actually accomplish the goal ourselves.)

This seems like the kind of conversation that needs more studying, and more in-depth analysis, so for now, I really will go to bed and remember that I am me, and that no one else can be me.